Sunday, August 9, 2015

Shitty people and the crap they leave you with

After spending so much time with shitty people it's hard to stop being afraid. For the longest time, I was legit afraid of men. I am still somewhat. People are dangerous and unpredictable.

But not everyone, really.

It was normal to be surrounded by people who I didn't know. Strangers. People who could do anything. I was around people who would steal your things the minute you turned your back. People who were drug dealers. People who ripped off drug dealers. People who didn't give a shit who they put in danger, whether it was you, them, children, didn't matter.

I had a mother-in-law who I had only met at a court appearance. I had a father-in-law whose quality time included an NA meeting. A husband who was no stranger to overdoses. I couldn't even depend on him to wake up in the morning. A boyfriend who insisted I was hitting on our waiter.

I've had game systems stolen. My car was stolen twice. My ring. Money. My sense of security. I have hid from guns. I knew someone who was so fucked up he set his apartment on fire and killed his grandmother.

People would stop showing up when they went to jail. "Friends" who would flee from the cops after getting everyone arrested. Friends who were advised by their lawyers not to talk to you. Friends who would stop talking to you after you told them to leave their husband after he had attempted to kill them.

I wish I was exaggerating. I wish I could say that this happened to someone else. I wish I could tell you that after so many years I have gotten over all of this. I cannot. I have not.

I've met great people since then. I have a very hard time trusting them. I know they will let me down. I know they will make me uncomfortable. I know I am better off by myself. But I'm not. There are some great people out there and I need them around. I need to learn to trust them and me. It's hard though. Even after a decade, it's a lesson I'm still working on.

Friday, January 23, 2015


I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school until 3rd grade. Then we moved and couldnt afford private school. Soon we stopped going to church because the church wouldnt accept my parent's non-Catholic friends as godparents for my sister. There was very little talk of religion growing up and in school I fell in love with science.

During my teenage years, I started declaring myself agnostic. I didnt know if there was a god, but I didnt really put much thought into it either. I didnt really care. I figured agnostic was safe because I could not care, but if there was a god, I was safe too.

Finally, as my knowledge of science increased, my disbelief did as well. What bibles and preachers said did not fit into the observable world. I am now a proud atheist. I do not look down on people for believing in a higher power, in fact, sometimes I envy them. I think life would be easier if I could blame a god for things that happen or ask a god for help with difficult situations. Maybe I would not feel so alone. On the other hand, I like not being deceived. I see things as they are. I dont accept things that I dont understand as something a god does. No, I question things and I investigate things and I learn. I take responsibility for my actions and believe others should as well. I do not hate in the name of any higher power. I believe all people are equal. 

While I am not an antitheist, I do believe that religion can be detrimental sometimes. I am not against it, as a whole, because of all of the good it does bring, especially to those in need, but I do believe that without it, peace would be more attainable.

Finally, I should admit, that if there were hard evidence of such an entity I would be open minded and consider said evidence. I do not expect such evidence to exist, though.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Depression is an Illness

It is truly amazing what an effect medication has on my life and how much different it is without it. I was feeling terrible, so I started my Abilify up again and the sadness melted away. Now I am out of the meds and into the darkness. I am currently unemployed and my doctor doesn't take Mass Health, so here I am. I'm going to try to call him. I have to be able to work something out to get what I need.

Who knew though? A tiny blue pill could be the difference between not caring and caring. Between light and dark. If this doesn't convince me that it is a physical problem, not some psychosomatic thing, I don't know what can. I always wonder if it is all in my head. And I guess it is, but it is a physical problem in my brain.

I usually don't consider myself "sick." I consider myself "crazy." There is a world of difference there. I forget that depression is a legit illness, like the flu or cancer or something, and it can be fatal. The depression does that, though. Convinces me that it is my fault. I am broken in some way. How can I expect other people to treat depression as an illness if I do not even believe it myself?

It is hard and the depression makes everything in the world way harder than normal. I want to share this great post I read: 10 Ways to Show Love to Someone with Depression. I think this is a great article for significant others and caregivers, but I also think it is a great article for the person who is depressed as well. In a way, you are your own caregiver as well. In a way, I think it is actually harder for you to love yourself while depressed than it is for someone else to love you. They always love you. I know that I do not love me. I need to work on that. Bring myself outside. Encourage myself to care for myself. Challenge my own destructive thoughts. Remind myself why I should love myself.

This is so hard.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Don't Follow Your Dreams

People who tell you to follow your dreams should have some kind of disclaimer. "You might fuck up your life and not even achieve your dream" or "You might find out that your dream kinda sucks, a little too late," or "Single moms need not apply."

I had a dream. I had a dream that I might be a social worker and get out of science. Well, let me tell you, I did get out of science. I'm no social worker, though. Nope. I do nothing. Except search desperately for a job.

You know, this goes back to me feeling like I'm always doing things the right way yet they never work out for me. School, then marriage, then children. Yeah, that didn't really work out so well. Now it was: take night classes online while working full-time. Check. Pretty hard and my child hated it, but I did it. Next was to do an internship. I fought for the internship and finally, after 6 months, I secured one. I tried to make it work for a month. My job made it very difficult for me and I could not do both. I quit the internship and when I asked for my normal shift back, they said no. So I had to quit. And, because I dropped the internship, I now owe the school $3000, which I need to pay in order to begin there again.

So I have nothing. No job. No school. No way to get into a new school because with an outstanding bill I do not have access to my transcripts. Oh, and because I cannot get a transcript, I cannot use my schooling to get a new job (government jobs, at least, require proof.)

In short, don't follow your dreams. I was told by many many people to just do it. It'll work out. "How will I do an internship, though?" Don't worry, they said, you don't know what your circumstances will be then. Nope, I had no idea that the circumstances were the exact fucking same and I wouldn't be able to do it. It did not work itself out. It fucked up everything. What am I supposed to do now? Where is all of the good advice now?

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Doing Nothing

Most people, when they say they are doing nothing, actually mean "I'm watching a show I don't really care about," or "I'm painting my nails," or "Reading Reddit." When someone suffering from depression isn't doing anything, I tell you, we are not doing anything. I can literally sit for an hour, not moving, not watching anything, not talking, nothing. It is like I am too sad to even move. Even just standing up is beyond comprehension.

My grandmother suffered from depression and sometimes she would enter these catatonic-like states where she wouldn't move. She spent months at a time in the hospital. That was a long time ago, of course. There is no health insurance in the world who would pay for that shit nowadays. It makes me wonder, though, would I have been hospitalized fifty years ago?

Doing nothing isn't easy, either. I am too depressed to move, so I do nothing. Because I am doing nothing I feel like I am wasting time. Which makes me feel worse. Which makes me want to move even less. Which makes me feel worse. Etc. Usually, best-case scenario is that I fall asleep and wake up with a little more motivation. At least enough to get up. That is a start.

So, sometimes, when someone tells you they aren't doing anything they might be sitting in front of an open window getting soaked because they cannot get up to close it. Thankfully they still have the will to speak to you, so there is hope.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Sadness and Hopelessness

**Trigger Alert**

You know, everyone is talking about Robin Williams and depression. I'm kinda mixed about it because hearing about depression constantly is making me very very depressed, yet I am glad that people are talking about it. Maybe they are too much. You can tell that a lot of people who are talking about it do not suffer themselves. It was suggested that maybe in the wake of this tragedy people will get help for themselves. I think, for me, I take it completely oppositely. He was a very successful man with a lot of money, doctors, friends, family, support. He was open about his struggles. He was open about going to rehab and such. He was funny and brought a lot of joy to a lot of people's lives. And he could not escape the darkness. If such a successful man with so many resources couldn't do it, why do I think I can? I don't even have a job. I can't even afford to go to my doctor any more. Maybe I'm the only one who is thinking like this, but probably not. I think for someone who feels so hopeless already, this news just deepens it. And the constant talk about it makes it worse.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

I Was Such a Jerk

I mean, I know we were all jerks as kids and/or teenagers. I mean, we were, weren't we? Well, I was.

I went to a lot of shows with my friends. Concerts, plays and I almost always drove. I had a car and I liked to drive. And I had a bunch of lame friends who had cars but didn't want to "put the miles on it." Anyways, I drove.

We'd find a show, ask enough people to fill the car and off we'd go. This one time, at the end of senior year, we were going to a show. I can't even remember which one. I asked my friend Matt if he wanted to come with us. He did and he bought a ticket. Apparently more people were invited than could fit in my car so I told Matt he'd have to find his own ride. He got angry, appropriately. I countered with I asked you if you wanted to see the show, I didn't say that you could ride with us. What an asshole and ridiculous response. Of course he was right in assuming that he'd be riding with us, that's how it always worked.

That was the end of our friendship.

We are now friends on facebook, 15ish years later. I want so badly to apologize and tell him I was a complete asshole, but I've read that people don't want to be reminded of these things. That apologizing for something that happened in high school will make me feel better, but it is not necessarily what the other person wants, so I don't.

But I wish so badly that I hadn't done it in the first place.

Mama’s Losin’ It
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