It Happened

So, it happened. Ryder asked (sorta) about his dad. I knew the day would come, but I thought I would have longer to prepare.

We were in the middle of a crowded Christmas Tree Shop when he said "I don't have a dad."

"Well," I tried to explain, "you do have a dad you just don't know him."

"Is [your boyfriend] my dad?"

"No, he is not."

"Is he your dad?"

"No, honey, he is not a dad. He has no children."

"I want to go to Chuck E Cheese," wrapping the conversation up.

So, I know that this is only the first of many conversations like this. Hopefully they don't happen in the middle of a crowded store again. I could feel the eyes burning my flesh.

Depression and Twitter

One of the things with anxiety and depression is that they are invisible diseases. I know I walk around assuming I am the only one panicky or sullen. I feel like I am the only one around that has to pause and take some pills to help me feel centered. To help me feel normal.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 10 adults report depression. That seems like a lot. I am picturing all of the people I take the train with every morning and 10% of them suffer from depression. Who knew?

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has a slightly smaller number. Major depression is a serious medical illness affecting 15 million American adults, or approximately 5-8 percent of the adult population in a given year. They also say 2% - 5% of Americans have panic disorder. Again, who knew?!

Now that I know I am not alone, there are some great places to meet others with the same feelings and problems. I really like Twitter for this. Facebook is too personal. I really don't want my uncle on my mother's side knowing my daily depression issues. I like Twitter better. I participate in a chat (#mhsm) every Tuesday night at 9:00 pm EST that talks about Mental Health and Social Media. You can follow @MHSMchat to stay in the loop about that. I also like searching #depression. Sometimes it is just stupid kids who are sooo depressed that there are no more Twilight movies, but a lot of the people on there have similar issues as I do. 

A few great resources are @NAMIMass, @unsuicide,  @natasha_tracy, and @bandback2gether. These help me and I hope they help you too. 

I know this post is full of links, but just try a couple first and if you like them, try the others. No rush, my Loyal Readers. 

And if you find any great resources that I haven't named, please leave them in the comments! I love looking for more support and knowing there are others like me.

Raine in "The Return of the Black Dog"

I pretty much hate everything right now. Including this blog. What did I really think I was going to accomplish by starting and maintaining some dumb blog? I don't even have a computer at home, so I can't even write when I want to. I have to wait until I have 5 minutes of downtime at work. Which has shrunk down to 2 minutes already.

I feel worthless. I want everything to change. I want to set fire to my apartment and start over. I want to stop hating myself. I would really like to stop falling into these fucking black holes. I don't know what to do about them. After all this time, you would think that I would know how to deal with them when they come, but I don't. I just want to lay in bed all day. Doing nothing. Instead, I am here, at work, doing a shit ton of stuff. Makes me cry.

It's just so hard. So hard to care.

"Black Dog" was Churchill's name for his depression, and as is true with all metaphors, it speaks volumes. The nickname implies both familiarity and an attempt at mastery, because while that dog may sink his fangs into one's person every now and then, he's still, after all, only a dog, and he can be cajoled sometimes and locked up other times.

via

Stay Or Go?

Return to work after baby was born or stay home? How did you make your decision?


I feel like I didn't have a decision, like it was made for me. Who are these people who get to stay at home? Not single mothers, that's for sure. But even when I was with my ex we couldn't have survived without my salary. I only stayed out 7 weeks because that is all I could get paid for. Hopefully next time (next time??) I will have more time saved up. I would have loved to stay at home with the babe, but I just could not afford it.

A Fine Day

I went snowboarding last week. It was a weekday, so there weren't a ton of people.

The day was beautiful. The snow was wonderful.

I might have fallen a few times.

Massachusetts has never looked so beautiful to me.

Look how wide those trails are. So much snow ready to be carved.

See that lake? That is where the water comes from when they make the snow. Fun fact.


I did not go with those people. They have no idea that I have a picture of them.


Or that it is now on the internet.


I went by myself which was actually really nice. I could go at my own pace. I could go on whatever slopes I wanted to go on. I met a few people and left when I felt like it.










I can't wait to go again.

Economic Hardship

It is really hard to qualify for any kind of economic hardship. I'm having a hard time paying my student loans so I was interested in deferring them for a bit. But they insist I make enough money to pay them. They don't know how much I pay in rent and that I am in an expensive housing area. They don't know how much I pay to daycare. They don't know how much money I spend just getting to work every day. And they don't ask. Luckily, I was able to forbear my loans for a few months. Hopefully I will be able to pay them then.

In Which Raine Fucks Up

I am sad. Again. It's been a rough couple of days here. I've been horribly busy at work then I get home and just want to lie in bed.

I feel horribly guilty because I lost (had stolen) all of the money I got from Christmas. I was supposed to put it in my vacation fund and now it is gone. Most of it was from my parents and I feel like I squandered their hard earned money. Of course I didn't really, I just irresponsibly left my purse with my coat at a New Year's party. I feel like I fucked up.

At work, I work inside a hood, it's kinda like a cabinet. Usually I sit down in front of it. Yesterday, I had to stand and I kept hitting my head on the top of it. Over and over. I got really angry and punched it. Of course that did not help, it just caused my hand to hurt a bit. Thankfully there was no one to witness my adolescent behavior.

I just want to stay home and sleep, but I am too busy to do that. Maybe I will anyways.

Tell us about something you punched.