There is no one to shield Ryder from my breakdowns.
Now, I am not saying for one second that it would be better to still be with my ex. Obviously an occasional breakdown on my part is far preferable to being neglected by his father.
With that said, I feel bad for Ryder when I have these attacks. I get anxiety attacks. Yesterday we threw an anniversary party for my parents (more on that later) and I was so stressed. Before the party even began, I was done. D. O. N. E. I could not handle it any more. Ryder took his open water bottle and was going to drop it in the cooler. I told him not to. He did anyways, of course, and I tweaked out. I grabbed the water bottle and threw it and yelled. He was crying because I yelled and because now he didn't have any water. I felt like shit.
Today, we are both exhausted from all of this weekend's excitement. I went out and got some Thai food and put on a movie. We never eat in the living room. Not because it is clean, I just really believe in eating meals at the table. But, I thought we'd just relax in front of the TV today. Well, guess what happened. He spilled sticky sauce all over the place. Then, when I went to get a towel, he took his saucy fingers and turned off my laptop - while some things were downloading. Then he spilt the OJ. Omigod. I started screaming. Actually my throat hurt a bit from it. I put him in his room so that I could calm down. I felt like shit.
I know that there are way worse things that could happen then me yelling and throwing a water bottle or two. I know that if I was still with the ex, then there would be 5000% more yelling and throwing. I know that having someone else here doesn't necessarily mean that he would be sheltered from anything. I know that I am still a good mom. I know all of this, but I still feel shitty about it.