Monday, July 6, 2009

Who Am I?

So, Ive been thinking about different things, including my adventures on Thursday. And I was also thinking about the past, which I have yet to share, some of which is not pretty. And I have come to the question: Who am I?

I'm not trying to be transcendentalist or anything. In my first year in college, I just drank and did loads of drugs. Its a bit hazy from there on. Then I met my ex and still did drugs and drank. But I kinda slowed down. I thought it was a natural progression from getting older, wiser, more responsible. Then, I separated from my husband. I turned into a wicked drunk. I drank all the time. I literally walked around with a bottle of Southern Comfort.

Then we got back together and I got it back together. Then he left again (left, kicked out, whatever). But then I had a baby to care for. Then I was Ryder's mom. I had to keep myself together for him. Then Ryder leaves for the night. What do I do? Bar, pot, random guy's car.

Are you noticing the same pattern as I am? And it wasnt really just the other night. I kinda drink alot. I drink when I am lonely, which is usually.
Anyways, what my point is, I don't really know who I am. When I am by myself, I get wasted. Maybe I am overthinking everything. Possibly not.


  1. Raine,

    You're never alone because where ever you go, there you follow. Becoming friends with yourself is one of the best investments you can make. Making an enemy of yourself...not so good. Be understanding, kind, gentle and loving to yourself. You have no idea what a huge part you play in this world - how many lives you touch near you and far away...(smile).

  2. Raine, Ebony already did an excellent job of offering encouragement, very eloquently, I might add. While I don't know excatly what to say, I can at least say that I am reading and will continue to read. As Ebony said, you are never alone. Oh, and for what it's worth, I always overthink things. :)

  3. Thank you both for your kind words! It helps to know that someone reads. :D

  4. I'm late to the party, as usual, but I couldn't not comment on this. Speaking from personal experience, and since you seem to recognize the pattern here and are concerned about it - try to find something else to fill your time and the void you are feeling quickly. Stay away from the booze before you find it is the only crutch holding you up and you no longer have a choice on whether you are going to drink every night. Believe me when I say that missing your son's eighth birthday because you are in rehab is even shittier than it sounds.


Whatcha think?