Thursday, October 15, 2009

In Which I Share Too Much

A 1987 tranquilizer advert with an indirect re...Image via Wikipedia

I hope you do not expect insight every time you click on my link. I don't feel very insightful. Actually, I feel downright shitty.

I am overwhelmed with blogger. Every time I refresh there are a gazillion new posts. I think I need to weed some out. I like them and want to read them, but it makes me terribly anxious looking at them. This was supposed to be stress-relieving, not stress-inducing. It is ridiculous.

Like Facebook. I have now limited myself to farming and checking email once-ish a day. I was getting so frustrated seeing all of these people (some of whom I care nothing about) posting all of this shit that I care nothing about. I do not care what you are eating. That you are going food shopping. That you are watching America's Got Talent. I do not care that your spirit animal is a squirrel or if you were a drug, you would be acid. It is just too much for me.

I know that I need some adult time for myself. I know I need a babysitter. I know I need to meet people. Just typing that, though, makes me want to cry. It causes me sooo much anxiety. I take meds for panic disorder, agoraphobia, depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. Cool, huh? So, I equate taking meds to being sick. The healthy thing to do would be to have some me time. But that causes anxiety so my doc told me to take more meds. Which makes me feel as if I am sicker. Which makes me need to go out even more. Which causes me anxiety. Which causes me to take more meds.....

I finally worked up the courage to ask my daycare lady if she knew any babysitters and she said that she would babysit. I was dangerously close to crying. She is so nice. I don't even think she thought I was a bad mother.

Somehow things I enjoy doing become chores somewhere along the way. Books are like that. So are movies. There are so many to read and watch. How can I just sit around not doing anything when there are so many books and movies to get through? How can I sit down and write if there are so many blogs to read and comment on? Then emails to read and respond to.

I am terribly lonely. It was fairly depressing that my psychiatrist was giving me dating advice. I suppose that is not outside his realm, but I have always felt dating was so embarrassing. Hmm.. Why is that?

Look what they erected outside of my house.

An eff-ing Ferris wheel. This is the view from my porch. I can see it from my bedroom, but its a crappy picture. You'll have to take my word for it.
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  1. Oh honey. You are so not alone! I totally hear where you're coming from! And I'm confident that the ferris wheel does nothing to help your mood! Chin up, have some alone time, don't worry about catching up in your blog reading - they'll still be there tomorrow and the next day, and the next day!

  2. I tottaly understand...I have been away for awhile cause of computer problems, when I got back on tonight I thought I might faint at all I should catch up on....I have decided to do a certain number a day...its the only way to keep me from pulling out my two remaining hairs on my head;)

  3. I'm happy you're going to take time for yourself! Whittle down all that white noise and see what's really calling you.. you'll be surpised and relieved I think :-)

  4. You could do what I do: take some time out, go to a bookstore, buy a coffee and a book, and sit there and read. Granted, the only books I've done this with were Pearls before Swine anthologies, but laughter, coffee, and getting out for a bit are just as good as any meds. At least, I think so.

    And, hey, at least it wasn't a ferrous wheel.

  5. Sweetie I agree with Mjenks (shock of all shocks).

    Slow down. This stuff we write is here, take a day, or 5 off and relax. There's no pressure and and we won't leave if you do.

    You must put your self first. I know, I'm a mom of two, wife of one, government of my house, etc....and putting yourself first is a ridiculous thing to say. So, let's do this: Indulge is one small thing today that is a guilty pleasure.
    Curl your hair. Put some lipstick on. Get a coffee that costs 10$. Go trough pictures...

    Something just for you. Dating will come.
    I thought I told you to kick that bitch out??

  6. Okay - I get the anxiety of reading all the posts...that is why from time to time I just "mark all as read" in google reader.

    But, what is wrong with a Ferris Wheel, I am confused.

  7. Man I feel you. Sometimes things just snowball into what feels like crazy.
    So actually this week I went through all the blogs I read and deleted the ones who hadn't updated in a while. Then I deleted all the ones who I just read because I have been reading them.
    That actually got rid of a lot.
    It kind of felt good.

  8. The ferris wheel is right outside my window - with the other rides (pirate ship, etc). Late at night I can hear the kids screaming on them. Its only around til the halloween but it is still crazy.

    And who looks outside their window to see a ferris wheel?

    Thank you everyone for your comments, I really appreciate it.

  9. Devoting some time to yourself will make all the difference. I still remember the feeling of walking out the front door on a lovely evening, with nowhere special to go, just knowing that I didn't have a little one hanging on my leg for the next couple of hours...

  10. Ferris wheel needs a mute button :)but escape time will help too.

  11. Oh Raine. *hugs* It's an endless cycle, you feel guilty and you don't go out but then you feel worse because you haven't gone out. But get a babysitter and go out for an evening! If you're miserable, that's no good for anyone.

  12. Less facebook is definitely a good move! I like to metally categorize bookmarked blogs according to mood so I don't look at them all at once and if I dont feel particularly creative then I don't feel bad for not keep up with those. I would suggest you take time and go somewhere you've never been before and/or do something you've never done before. Maybe spend $20 and attend a bellydance lesson for an hour. It'll be fun and you'll feel sexy! (after initial awkwardness and lack of coordination)

  13. Oh -- gotcha. Screaming kids would get on my nerves.


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