Post #100: It is gonna be depressing. But you probably expected no less. Anyways, I could have sworn that I had told this story before, but I can't find it. So, if I cannot read it I will retell it. Or tell it for the first time. Whatever.
Have you ever been unsure of what to do? Where to go? How to move forward? Then one small thing happens. Something that on any other day would not have been given a second thought and everything changes. All of a sudden you know exactly what to do. You know exactly where to go and how to get there. There were two such moments for me in my relationship with my ex that I cannot seem to shake. They are my proverbial straws.
We were living in Denver, far far away from our family and friends, when he left me. I was crushed. I did not know what had happened. Why things had turned out the way that they did. I was lost. I wanted so desperately for him to come back. I didn't know about the meth.
When he was high, he loathed me. When he was not, I was the fucking best. During these times we hung out. We went to dinner, we hung out at his bachelor pad, we hung out at my place. This was all very confusing for me, as you could imagine.
One of these days we were hanging out at my place. It started out as tickling and ended in sex. I was blissful. Finally we can put this all behind us. I don't remember what I said but I sure remember what he said.
"This doesn't change anything."
That was it. Those four words were my proverbial straw. I drove him home and I packed my shit and came back to Maine.
We eventually got back together, had some great times, and had a baby. Money started going missing, he stopped coming home, I started catching him in lies. I thought it was just the stress and shock of having an infant. I thought, well, I really don't know what I thought. I thought about taking care of my newborn. I didn't know about the oxy.
He ended up in the hospital. He told me some lies about why he was in there and I believed it. I did not want to raise this baby alone. How the hell was I supposed to do that? He ended up in some kind of hospital/rehab place. DSS visited me and set me straight about what was going on and what had gone on. I told him he couldn't come home.
He had bounced some checks in my name. My name was on the check but it was a joint account that I had taken myself off of. Follow? I was being charged with larceny. I had to go to court. I was so scared. On top of everything I was somehow in legal trouble and it was all his fault. I called him before I was supposed to go in. I cried. I was scared.
He said "I don't care what happens to you."
Fuck him. Done. I was fucking done. No one who loved my son and me could ever say that. I will never forgive or forget that. Again, the proverbial straw. I stopped taking his calls, contacted a lawyer, got a restraining order.