Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Proverbial Straw

Post #100: It is gonna be depressing. But you probably expected no less. Anyways, I could have sworn that I had told this story before, but I can't find it. So, if I cannot read it I will retell it. Or tell it for the first time. Whatever.

Have you ever been unsure of what to do? Where to go? How to move forward? Then one small thing happens. Something that on any other day would not have been given a second thought and everything changes. All of a sudden you know exactly what to do. You know exactly where to go and how to get there. There were two such moments for me in my relationship with my ex that I cannot seem to shake. They are my proverbial straws.

We were living in Denver, far far away from our family and friends, when he left me. I was crushed. I did not know what had happened. Why things had turned out the way that they did. I was lost. I wanted so desperately for him to come back. I didn't know about the meth.

When he was high, he loathed me. When he was not, I was the fucking best. During these times we hung out. We went to dinner, we hung out at his bachelor pad, we hung out at my place. This was all very confusing for me, as you could imagine.

One of these days we were hanging out at my place. It started out as tickling and ended in sex. I was blissful. Finally we can put this all behind us. I don't remember what I said but I sure remember what he said.

"This doesn't change anything."

That was it. Those four words were my proverbial straw. I drove him home and I packed my shit and came back to Maine.

We eventually got back together, had some great times, and had a baby. Money started going missing, he stopped coming home, I started catching him in lies. I thought it was just the stress and shock of having an infant. I thought, well, I really don't know what I thought. I thought about taking care of my newborn. I didn't know about the oxy.

He ended up in the hospital. He told me some lies about why he was in there and I believed it. I did not want to raise this baby alone. How the hell was I supposed to do that? He ended up in some kind of hospital/rehab place. DSS visited me and set me straight about what was going on and what had gone on. I told him he couldn't come home.

He had bounced some checks in my name. My name was on the check but it was a joint account that I had taken myself off of. Follow? I was being charged with larceny. I had to go to court. I was so scared. On top of everything I was somehow in legal trouble and it was all his fault. I called him before I was supposed to go in. I cried. I was scared.

He said "I don't care what happens to you."

Fuck him. Done. I was fucking done. No one who loved my son and me could ever say that. I will never forgive or forget that. Again, the proverbial straw. I stopped taking his calls, contacted a lawyer, got a restraining order.

9 comments:

  1. What a gigantic asshole. Well I guess you live and learn. Sometimes you have to be with an complete ass before you end up with your Prince Charming (who I'm sure is out there!).

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  2. Great post. I don't think this is depressing I think it's empowering, a 'you go girl' post.

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  3. Darling, you need to give yourself credit when it's due. It is very hard to leave. Especially when children are involved. I know. I've been there. Hold your head high! Kiss that beautiful boy of yours. Br grateful you were able to walk away when you did!

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  4. Honey. This is not depressing. (tsk tsk). This is empowering, Melinda is right. Your son needs the best mommy in the world, and he's got her.

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  5. Ass wipe is what I would call him!

    As you know from reading my blog, Ive been through some shit...but it made me stronger, who I am.....sounds like you are stronger for what youve been through too...and your baby has one hell of a mom....awesome!

    power on!

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  6. Hey, I'm proud of you for taking charge and leaving him for good. I echo the sentiments above: "You go, girl!"

    I'm guessing it wasn't easy, but you did the right thing!

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  7. While I am a cut at run at the first time I notice they chew weird or their breathing starts to annoy me, I have to say I didn't find this post annoying at all. I read it and thought good for her! Love is a hard thing to get right. I'm just glad you loved yourself, and your son, enough to realize you both deserved better, deserved more, and were better off without him. Congrats on being such a smart cookie xo

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  8. Yes, I had a bad boyfriend too. Luckily I got out before anything truly bad happend - but not until I spent about 15 months and moved 800 miles from home with him. I should have ditched his ass when I had to go visit him at the mental institution after one month of dating...they explain things so cleverly, don't they?

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  9. It's amazing how much we can block out. I sure have. But it sounds like you are a very strong woman and that Ryder will be stronger and a better man because of it. You go, girl!!

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