December 2008 was filled with courts, and lawyers, and courts, and woman's advocates, and courts, and judges, and crying. For my birthday I was trying to get a restraining order. I got a temp one and had to come back ten days later. Later in the month my divorce was finalized. (I haven't told that story yet? Humf.) Yesterday was my birthday and I just cried all day. Cried at work, cried when my parents surprised me with cake, cried when I opened my gift, cried in bed. I'm crying now.
Birthdays have always kinda sucked for me. I lay it right out, what I want to do and that is not what happens. So this is why I thought that I was dreading my bday. Then I remembered last year. My 28th birthday was spent in a court room with a woman's advocate scared as shit that he was going to show up.
So my 29th brought back all of those emotions. In addition, it reminds me that in 10 days I have to go back to court to renew the restraining order. Fuck, I do. not. want. to go. A friend offered to come with me, so hopefully that helps.
Everyone was super sweet - those who knew (thanks facebook). People called, but I didn't answer my phone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I listened to all the voicemails, but didn't call anyone back. My friend told me that I shouldn't let something that happened a year ago ruin this year's birthday. The only way that I can describe these feelings are when someone dies. Then for every year after that, on that day, you think of that person and mourn him or her. I feel as though I am mourning the death of my husband and my marriage.
This past year has been good. Not super swell, but good. But I cannot focus on that at all. No matter how hard I try. Everyone tried to make me smile on my bday, but I just want to be like Brian Wilson and stay in bed. Forever.
I honestly do not know how I am going to make it through this whole month. Fuck, again.
And then there is all of this holiday bullshit. It is too much.