Wednesday, December 2, 2009

One Year

December 2008 was filled with courts, and lawyers, and courts, and woman's advocates, and courts, and judges, and crying. For my birthday I was trying to get a restraining order. I got a temp one and had to come back ten days later. Later in the month my divorce was finalized. (I haven't told that story yet? Humf.) Yesterday was my birthday and I just cried all day. Cried at work, cried when my parents surprised me with cake, cried when I opened my gift, cried in bed. I'm crying now.

Birthdays have always kinda sucked for me. I lay it right out, what I want to do and that is not what happens. So this is why I thought that I was dreading my bday. Then I remembered last year. My 28th birthday was spent in a court room with a woman's advocate scared as shit that he was going to show up.

So my 29th brought back all of those emotions. In addition, it reminds me that in 10 days I have to go back to court to renew the restraining order. Fuck, I do. not. want. to go. A friend offered to come with me, so hopefully that helps.

Everyone was super sweet - those who knew (thanks facebook). People called, but I didn't answer my phone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I listened to all the voicemails, but didn't call anyone back. My friend told me that I shouldn't let something that happened a year ago ruin this year's birthday. The only way that I can describe these feelings are when someone dies. Then for every year after that, on that day, you think of that person and mourn him or her. I feel as though I am mourning the death of my husband and my marriage.

This past year has been good. Not super swell, but good. But I cannot focus on that at all. No matter how hard I try. Everyone tried to make me smile on my bday, but I just want to be like Brian Wilson and stay in bed. Forever.

I honestly do not know how I am going to make it through this whole month. Fuck, again.

And then there is all of this holiday bullshit. It is too much.


  1. Ok, I know you dont really know me from Adam...but reading this I cried, I could feel your pain, Ive been in that pit of sadness, overwhelming me to the point that getting out of bed seemed a bigger task than I could handle...I just want to say that I made the mistake of shutting everyone out, it seemed like what I needed at the time, what I could handle...but it actually sucked what little life I had left in me right out the window, try(and I realize this is so much easier said than done) to let the ones who love you help...

    I will stop rambling now, just know peace is being sent your way

  2. I am sorry that old hurts are surfacing and ruining your day and your holidays.

    No one should ever cry when presented with cake.

  3. My heart aches for you. I wish you peace, and am sending love.

  4. Oh honey. I wish I could give you a giant hug, a box of kleenex and some patron.

  5. I am sorry you are going through all of this but I know in time that things will get better and what not. Hell on Christmas last year my husband informed me he wanted a divorce so we are in the same boat with the emotions.

    Keep your head up!

  6. Hey there. I haven't been in the blogosphere as much lately but I happened to check in today. I just want you to know that while it's been more than a year for me, I can identify with so much of what you wrote. Only I didn't have a restraining order, I got something called an "Order of Protection." (It pretty much does the same thing, however.) For whatever it's worth, you will get through this. Even if you don't know that, know that I know it. :)

  7. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt.

    Don't let a jackass who tried to ruin your life a year ago, make you cry when presented with cake. CAKE! Cake should make you happy. :)

  8. Even though we're only bloggy friends, we'll always be there if you need us. :) Don't ever let the bastard get the best of you again, you can be the person you were before. Fear should never rule anybody. I have 10 long married years of experience so I can tell you that I absolutely now where you are right now.

    Happy belated B-day!

  9. I'm sorry you felt that way... Sometimes things just take time, and that's ok. If I were there I'd let you cry on my shoulder and even cry with you (cuz I know that sucky feeling, maybe not to the same degree, but... ya know it when you've felt it!) and order us take-out and play with your son while you stayed in bed all day! Then we could watch bad TV til all hours of the night and eat ice cream! Sounds like the perfect bad day to me. Wish I coulda been there for ya, but I'm sending you all those wishes right now! Super big hug + some Kleenex and a prozac. <3 U!

  10. Oh, Raine, it is so hard, isn't it? Even when you know you've done the right thing, it can feel like the "death" of a marriage, a husband, a life you envisioned, when things just didn't work out the way they were "supposed to."

    And it's hard, too, feeling sad and having everyone tell you that you "should" feel happy because it's your birthday or Christmas or whatever. You feel however you feel, and there is no "should" about it.

    But, for your own sake and Ryder's sake, please do think about calling a counselor to help you work through some of the issues and feelings, if your sadness / possible depression hangs on much longer.

    None of us want you to suffer.

    Sending love and good thoughts your way.

  11. I'm sorry that you will always have this memory on birthday, but honestly the pain will lessen and the bad memories will be replaced with good ones. Just wait until Ryder understands the concept of birthdays. You will be overwhelmed by the excitement that a little boy can have for his mommy's birthday! I'm also sorry that I haven't been around too much in this here bloggy world. I am thinking of you and alsways sending good wishes your way! Do you want to be friends on Facebook? I'm on there all the time (sadly!) Look me up, Jennifer Lega Distler and send me a request if you want! Also in response to your comment (from way too long ago...sorry again) my email is...

    Talk to you soon girl!

  12. Birthdays sometimes bite. I think the laying it out thing doesn't work when you are a SAG. I have a theory. Next year all Sagatarians should ban together and create their own birthday fun but not call it a birthday call it a Sag Day and then the bad memories surrounded by our B-Days can be forgotten.

    Chin up and Happy Sag Day!


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