Have you ever seen SubUrbia? It's this great flick and one of the lines that always stands out is "No, you don't belong here." I was going to put the video up so you would no what I'm talking about but it's in the middle of a 10 minute video and I know we don't care enough.
Anyways, I have been trying to find my place. I've been trying to find people to connect with. People who know what I am going through. People who I can trust and maybe after time, have someone to pick my son up from daycare in an emergency. Or somewhere I can go and feel safe. Or maybe people who I can have some fun with.
It has been a major fail.
My ex was the one who made the friends. I did have my own friends, but they were all old friends. Granted, my friends have always been true friends and my ex's friends were always just mooching, but he could talk to people. He could become fast friends with anyone. That was, probably, his fatal flaw, but you see my point, right? He talked to people, I didn't.
So, being tossed out on my own for the first time in, well, forever, I find myself very lonely. I do have friends, but they all seem to be very far away. And when friends are far away, you can't see them all that often, and when you don't see them all that often you lose touch.
I have been on this mission impossible for quite some time now and it seems fruitless.
I should probably say now that I exclude my bloggy friends from this post. I have met some wonderful people who know what I am going through and are great listeners, but I can't come over to your house. You can't come over to mine.
First I started with Meetup.com, looking for mommy groups. I went on some play dates but they were all disasters. I had nothing in common with these women. I could not stand half of them and the other half didn't seem to need any new friends.
I met this woman through this support group I went to a few times. We hung out a few times, our kids played a few times, but honestly, I didn't really like her.
I don't feel like I belong at work. I am surrounded by smart, ambitious people. I am not ambitious. They all just work in my position for a couple of years then go on to graduate programs. Not me. I never really liked school in the first place. And I always feel like the bad kid. None of them ever did drugs or went home with strangers or got married on a whim or been arrested.
I tried going to a Unitarian Universalist church a couple of times. They were all perfectly nice people and they kept saying how welcoming they are, but I didn't feel particularly welcome. I chatted about the weather with a couple of people but no one took any interest in knowing me. Maybe I that was my job. I don't know.
I would try other churches but I don't "believe in God" so I just don't think a church is the place for me.
I never felt close to one side of my family but recent events made me feel even more like an outcast.
Recently I haven't even felt right in my own state. Massachusetts is supposed to be a liberal state. Why would they elect a Republican? When did everyone jump the fence? Sometimes I fear that the whole country is conservative. Then where would that put me?
I am an atheist liberal single mom of a toddler who works full time in the city. Where do I fit in?