Sunday, March 28, 2010

Too Much

I am having such mixed feelings right now. 

Ryder and I picked up an old friend and his girlfriend this afternoon.  The ex and I used to live with him when we were dating.  He was a lousy roommate, but that is for another time.

We picked them up and went to Chuck E. Cheese.  Apparently the rest of the seacoast had the same idea.  I practically had a panic attack just driving into the parking lot.  We had a lot of fun, even though it was quite overwhelming. 

The girlfriend is awesome, I really liked her.  At one point she took Ryder off and I got to talk to my friend.  He told me that he had spoken to the ex a couple days ago.  He is working in Connecticut.  I felt a little strange about talking about the ex to him, because I don't want to put him in the middle of anything.  Although, I think he likes it.  He was amused that he would be able to tell the ex that he hung out with his kid and ex-wife.  Makes me smile too.

We reminisced a bit about the fun that we had.  I filled both of them in on some of the shittier parts of the divorce.  I talked about Denver and my crazy father-in-law and when you know about him, Ryder never seeing his dad doesn't seem all that weird.

And we also saw a girlfriend of mine that I hadn't seen in about a year.

All this amidst the craziness of Chuck E. Cheese.

Let's review:
  • Happy - seeing old friends, making new ones
  • Good memories
  • Bad memories
  • Confused - do I want to know where the ex is?  What he is doing?
  • Concerned - the ex suggested offing himself for the life insurance (old threat)
  • Sympathetic about the ex's fucked up childhood
  • Excited - going on vacation, making future plans with my friends.
  • Stressed - large crowds
That is a lot of feelings to sort out.  Ryder and I drove the hour home in silence.  I am exhausted.  I want to talk it out but do not want to verbalize my feelings at the same time.  Verbalizing feelings validates them.  I do not want to work them out, I just want them to go away.


  1. It's really good to have other adults to talk things out with especially friends. Are they friends with the ex? Are you worried that they'll go back and tell him everything you said or is that a non issue? If you don't have to worry about that maybe they can hang out with you at home sometime. Have a BBQ or something where you can talk, get stuff out, have some adult time and not feel claustrophobic in a crowd.

  2. The last line....I don't want to work them out, I just want them to go away...

    Nice line there, Raine. I love it.

  3. Listen to your own them out when your ready, only you will know the right time.

    peace my friend

  4. Raine...I've been there. Validating is hard work and sometimes it's just too exhausting. Sounds like a full day!

  5. That is a lot to deal with at once especially in a crowd. I myself can’t be in the middle of a crowd for long, I start feeling claustrophobic. Atleast the experience wasn’t really bad for you.

  6. These feelings are there for a reason. Maybe you haven't been able to deal with a whole lot of stuff up until now. Good luck with figuring it out and coming to terms with it. I think you're very brave.

  7. Chucky Cheese is not the right environment to attempt to think in any manner!


Whatcha think?