Sunday, June 13, 2010

Keeley the Katerer

My sister's wedding was beautiful.  The flowers were gorgeous, the dresses perfect, and the guests lovely.  Her first dance was awesome.  They were introduced by some epic music, danced to a romantic piece, skanked to some ska, then finished off with another slow romantic song.  We were all afraid that my mom was going to ruin everything, but she didn't.  The person who nearly ruined it was the caterer:  Keeley the Katerer.

First off, I love alliteration but I HATE blatant misspellings.  Caterer with a "K" is not cute.

The woman was a bitch.  We called her the Wedding Nazi.  She wanted things done her way and when my sister wanted things her way, the woman complained.  She was clearly confused about whose wedding it was. 

We practiced outside.  The wedding was always supposed to be outside.  That's one thing my sister wanted from the start.  It had rained the night before, but during the day it was beautiful.  A perfect day for a wedding.  When we showed up, the hall was set up indoors.  When asked about it, the Nazi said that it was inside and if she wanted it outside, then she needed to have called by noon and it would be an extra $300, although we had practiced less than 24 hours ago outside.  My sister ran to the bathroom crying.  Bitch.

The Nazi claimed that she knew best.  She has been doing weddings for 40 years and the brides think they know what they want but they don't.  She knows best.  She knows what works and what doesn't work.  When my sister wanted to do the dance first, thus placing it out of proper order, the Nazi was not happy.  Kept claiming my sister had changed everything.

I sat down at my family's table where Ryder was and he reached for one of his glasses.  I asked if it was water and almost gave it to him when someone said it was wine.  Wine?  When was it poured?  It had been poured before we had arrived, hours before.  My bff was not going to sit back and drink old warm wine.  She approached the Nazi and voiced her complaint.  The woman claimed that the wine could be served warm and that is how they always did it.  It was my sister who had changed everything around, that's why it had been sitting out so long.  Also, the longer my bff complained, the warmer the wine was getting.  My bff ended the conversation by asking the woman not to go up to my sister with this.  There was no need to bother her on her wedding day with details.

The woman went straight up to my sister and asked her who my bff was and told her she was complaining about the wine.  She explained how it was my sister's fault because she changed everything around.

First of all my bff was sitting at table #1 with my family, so clearly she was close to my family and my sister told her so.  Then my bff turned around and saw the Nazi talking to my sister and marched right up and told the woman how she had just told her not to talk to my sister about it.

Anyways, to make a long story a little shorter the Nazi was complaining about my bff all night.  She and her coworkers were talking about her (pointing and the works) right in front of everyone! 

The guests complained about the wine, but they didn't have to worry long because right after the toast, the glasses were swept right up.  Actually, all of the glasses were swept right up.  They were taking people's drinks if they left them on the table to dance.  The Nazi herself started to take my drink and I was sitting in front of it!  And I am talking about drink drinks, the sort you pay $4.00 for.  Oh, and soda prices were anything but consistent.  People reported paying any where from $0 to $1.50 per soda.  And all the drinks, including the water was taken away by 8 pm, though we had the hall until midnight.

Speaking of leaving, they turned the lights on at 10:30.  They started removing table cloths at this time, despite the fact that people were still sitting at them.  Everyone felt as if they were pushing us out the door.

My SIL wanted to speak to the owner, but he would not come out of the kitchen.  She planted herself outside the door, but he just ran out back to hide.  The Nazi kept coming up to my sister with questions, comments, and complaints all night long.  Even once interrupting a dance. 

It is too bad, really.  The hall was pretty, the garden perfect.  The food was good - although the Nazi came up to us and said "Boy, you girls sure do have an appetite!" because we were still eating.  We were still eating, not because we are heifers, but because we were socializing. 

I would strongly advise against hiring Keeley the Katerer in Portland, Maine, for anything.


  1. She was a nazi. I hope their business declines because of this and if there was any justice at all, her ass would get fired.

  2. OMG! you have to be KIDDING me! I wish I knew this before I went to Portland just a few days ago... I would have found her and done something highly unscrupulous! Thats the kind of bad business that you hope runs itself right into the ground. I feel so bad for your sister that it cast a shadow on what should have been one of the best days of her life :( that totally sucks.


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