Tuesday, August 24, 2010

After Midnight

I am scared.

It is after midnight and everyone knows things are scarier after midnight.

It was a dark and stormy night.  That's how tonight's story starts.  It is dark and stormy and eerily quiet.

I'm scared.  I have to have surgery to remove a cyst from my ovary.  It most likely isn't cancer, but that doesn't mean that the remote possibility isn't scary.

I've never had surgery before.  I had my wisdom teeth removed, but I was so scared of IV that I didn't even go under.  Just some nitrous for me.  So, yeah.

I have been distracting myself.  Even just having the computer on is better.  I watched Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist which I think I am in love with.  For 90 minutes I just thought about how wonderful a night like that would be.  Well, not all of it, but definitely the end.  Then, like all movies, it ended.  I turned off the tv and the lights, closed my eyes, and there was my fear, waiting for me.

I don't know how long I'll be in the hospital and it kills me that I won't be able to take care of Ryder while I am there.  Did I take that into account when I decided to have surgery?  I don't think I did.  Or at least I didn't enough.  I have several wonderful people who I know I can count on to help out.  I never ask, because I am not the asking type, but I seem to have little to no choice here.

I don't want my mom to help.  I have been so scared and worried and anxious and she never called to find out if I was having the surgery.  Then when I called her she had lots of lame excuses.  Then when I explained that I wouldn't be camping and wouldn't be going to Story Land with them she made it clear that I ruined her weekend.

I was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago and I needed someone to watch Ryder.  I knew I could leave him at daycare, but I also knew that if I didn't ask my mom to come down from Maine she would be pissed.  So there I was, in the hospital with needles stuck in me and I was more concerned about my mom's feelings and how pissed she'd be if I didn't let her pick up Ryder.  WTF, really?

I am scared and she is clearly no help.  And I should know that by now, but a girl always wants her mom.  Especially when something is going to be removed from her ovary.  Especially when part of the reason the girl is so scared is because her mom has ovarian cancer and it scares her to death to think she might have it or might some day develop it.

I wasn't going to share any of this.  God knows I do not want a friggin' pity party, so I'm turning the comments off, but it is midnight and dark and quiet and I am scared.