Sunday, November 28, 2010

Depression: the levels

Level 1: sad
Level 2: really sad
Level 3: dark rain cloud follows you around
Level 4: you fall into a hole or well or something. You are at the bottom and it is dark black all around and you cannot climb out
Level 5: the darkness and blackness is inside you. It is in control. The only way to get this darkness out is by cutting your skin and letting it out. You feel the darkness seep out immediately but only a little is released.

I'm at a level 5 right now.

Here is a short not all inclusive list of topics that should not be mentioned in my presence:

No random trivia on the ex. Unless you are telling me that he has money for me.
Horses. I can't explain it right now but in the same vein no camping, rock climbing, or vacationing either.
Don't ask me about my birthday and what you are not getting for me. Also don't talk about the fucking restraining order.
Don't ask me when I can get a babysitter. Let's just assume that I never can.
Don't ask me about my plans or ambitions. I have none therefore I have nothing to say. Don't ask about the job hunt either. There is no hunt.

I'm not sure what leaves, exactly, but that's fine too. It's hard to talk with all this darkness in my throat.
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  1. The darkness is such a whore and I wish it would gtfo.

  2. I have nothing left to offer but a hug from far away.

  3. I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so awful. ((Hugs)) from Arizona.... I'll be thinking of you often.


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