Wednesday, March 31, 2010

How Are You?

Hi!  How are you?

Good, you?


This exchange is probably the most frequent dialog spoken in the world.  Everyone knows it is polite even though no one really cares, or has time to care, how you really are.  Maybe you would care if you had time to sit down and catch up with this acquaintance, but you don't.  You both go your own ways.

With friends I like to switch it up sometimes and answer "Shitty, you?"  That usually causes them to hesitate for a second because it was unexpected - although you may know that I am shitty, you don't actually expect me to say it in such a casual exchange.

This makes me think about when you are given a glass of clear liquid that you think is water.  You take one sip and nearly spit it out because it is disgusting!  It is actually Sprite.  You don't dislike Sprite.  Actually you are rather fond of the carbonated beverage, but it was unexpected so it throws you off.

Anyways... onto my point.

I used to answer "Wonderful!" every time.  I thought it was funny.  At first.  I usually got a "Wow" as an answer.  Occasionally the person was compelled enough to stop and ask why I was so wonderful.  This was the hard part.  I had three options:  I had to think of something good that had happened recently, make up something good, or confess my deception - which was embarrassing at best.

I was waitressing at the time, so I had many many opportunities to use my patent reply.  I think sometimes it was nice.  It was like some sort of mantra, making myself believe that I was, indeed, wonderful.

Until one day.

It was a bad day/week/month and things were on the continual down slide.  I was not, by any stretch of the imagination, wonderful.  I was sick of putting up a front.  I was done pretending I was happy.  I couldn't friggin do it any more.  I stopped saying I was wonderful.  I went back to more socially acceptable responses such as 'good' 'fine' 'okay'.

I have only said it a handful of times since then - Ryder's birth, when the divorce was finalized, when I was trashed.

I think I learned a lot from my little experiment.  I learned about social norms and how others react when faced with the abnormal.  I learned about myself.  I learned it was so much easier to just say 'good.'

What I Meant to Say....

I haven't played along before, but I have something that I really meant to say but didn't.

Phone rings.

Me:  Hello?

Ex-husband/dead-beat dad:  I was wondering if I could call him on his birthday.

Me: ....

Hang up.

What I meant to say:

What the fuck you piece of shit?  First of all I have a restraining order against your harassing ass so I really should call the cops right now, but honestly I would rather you not be in jail so that you can work and give me my fucking money!!  NO you cannot call him on his birthday.  You cannot pretend to be a father once a year.  It doesn't fucking work like that.  Even if I did let you talk to him, he would have no idea who the fuck you are.  You could be the fucking mailman for all he knows.  If you want anything at all to do with your son, you better believe that you have to drag me to court.  And good luck with that, by the way.  You will walk in the court house and they will arrest you so fast for all of your outstanding warrants you won't know what hit you.  Then when you do get in front of the judge, he will see the $15,000 you owe me right now and you won't get SHIT!  So, give me your phone number, address and place of employment so I can hand those over to the state - because they've been looking for you.  Fuck off you fucking douche bag.  We are so much better without you.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Too Much

I am having such mixed feelings right now. 

Ryder and I picked up an old friend and his girlfriend this afternoon.  The ex and I used to live with him when we were dating.  He was a lousy roommate, but that is for another time.

We picked them up and went to Chuck E. Cheese.  Apparently the rest of the seacoast had the same idea.  I practically had a panic attack just driving into the parking lot.  We had a lot of fun, even though it was quite overwhelming. 

The girlfriend is awesome, I really liked her.  At one point she took Ryder off and I got to talk to my friend.  He told me that he had spoken to the ex a couple days ago.  He is working in Connecticut.  I felt a little strange about talking about the ex to him, because I don't want to put him in the middle of anything.  Although, I think he likes it.  He was amused that he would be able to tell the ex that he hung out with his kid and ex-wife.  Makes me smile too.

We reminisced a bit about the fun that we had.  I filled both of them in on some of the shittier parts of the divorce.  I talked about Denver and my crazy father-in-law and when you know about him, Ryder never seeing his dad doesn't seem all that weird.

And we also saw a girlfriend of mine that I hadn't seen in about a year.

All this amidst the craziness of Chuck E. Cheese.

Let's review:
  • Happy - seeing old friends, making new ones
  • Good memories
  • Bad memories
  • Confused - do I want to know where the ex is?  What he is doing?
  • Concerned - the ex suggested offing himself for the life insurance (old threat)
  • Sympathetic about the ex's fucked up childhood
  • Excited - going on vacation, making future plans with my friends.
  • Stressed - large crowds
That is a lot of feelings to sort out.  Ryder and I drove the hour home in silence.  I am exhausted.  I want to talk it out but do not want to verbalize my feelings at the same time.  Verbalizing feelings validates them.  I do not want to work them out, I just want them to go away.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

No One Ever Asked Me

Our prompt from our gracious hostess Mama Kat:

Why didn’t they ask you? Write a list of 5 or 10 sentences that begin with the words ‘No one ever asked me’; then, write about one of them in detail, or use them all in a poem, or use several in a personal description of yourself.  (

No one ever asked me to sing in their band.
No one ever asked me to travel to Ireland.

No one ever asked me to fly to the moon.
No one ever asked me to go on a honeymoon.

No one ever asked me to pose nude.
No one ever asked me "Where's my car, dude?"

No one ever asked me to go to senior prom.
No one ever asked me if I wanted to be a single mom.

No one ever asked me "Where's my dad?"
No one ever asked me "Why, as a father, was he bad?"

No one ever asked me why we're not friends.
No one ever asked me why good things end.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Toddler Apps?

My iPod has so many uses that I never imagined.  I can read my blogs on the train.  I can watch TV shows at work (on my breaks, duh!).  I can play games while I wait for my doctor.  Oh yeah, and there's music too.  BUT the coolest thing so far is this app that I downloaded for Ryder.  I was trying to keep him occupied while my friends and I played a game and he just wasn't digging Fingerzilla

First I found Spongebob Tickler.  (By the way, these are all free apps - I don't pay for anything.)  Spongebob is super cute.  You touch him and, guess what?  You tickle him.  You turn it to the side and he slides to the side.  You get the picture, it is cute.

 Then, THEN, my friend, I found Toddler Teasers.  This game was made especially for Ryder, I am quite sure.  Several shapes appear on the screen and a voice tells you which shape to touch. 

When you touch the correct shape it cheers.  You do this several times and you get to a sticker screen.  You pick your sticker and put it on the sticker page.

Ryder LOVES this.  Seriously.  He played with it for 30 minutes straight.  He'd start fooling with it and touch everything except the shape they said.  He thought it was funny.  I love it because it gave me sometime to play a game with my friends.

Do you know of any other good apps?

Monday, March 22, 2010


What the fuck is happy?  And where do I get some?

Shouldn't I be happy?  Haven't I fulfilled the requirements?

  • Potty training - check
  • New Ipod - check
  • Health care reform - check
  • Preschool - check
  • Vacation plans - check
  • Nice weather - check
  • Fun with friends - check
  • New microwave - check
  • A great son - check
Fuck, you get the picture.  What's there to be sad about?  Why can't I stop crying?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Thursday 13

So Amber and Meg are celebrating their birthdays all month long!  Here's this week's challenge:

It’s time to start packing for your trip to Vegas next week with the girls.

The airlines have changed their luggage policies and you can only take 1 carry on bag (That means NO PURSE ladies!) and it’s only large enough to carry Thirteen individual items.

I would wear a tank top, nice sandels, undergarments, hoodie, jeans, my hair up.

So I would need to bring:
1. My phone
2. laundry detergent to wash what I was wearing
3. Razor
4. Toothbrush
5. Hair brush
6. Deodorant
7. perfume
8. phone charger
9. credit card
10. Driver's license
11. Anxiety meds
12. lip stick
13. a dressy dress

Yikes! Im not taking that airline again!

The Uncertain Future

This week's chosen prompt:

2.) When do you first imagine yourself wishing you were older or bigger? Write about it.  (

 First of all, that question hurts my head a little.  Is it asking when was the first time I wished I was older?  Is it asking when do I think I would've been wishing?  Or is it asking when in the future will you be wishing?  I am going to assume the first.  Although I am not, in a way, going to answer it.

When I was younger, I did not think that I was ever going to get older or bigger.  I remember specifically in first grade looking at the third graders and trying to imagine myself as one of them.  I could not.  Therefore, I came to the conclusion that I would never be a third grader.  That I would die before then. 

When I was in third grade, I remember looking at sixth graders and not being able to picture myself as one of them, therefore believing that I was going to die before sixth grade.

This continued on.  Every year I assumed that I was going to die that year, due to the sole fact that I could not picture myself older. 

I am not really sure when this ended.  I am not really sure it has.  It just doesn't seem possible that I could ever be, say, 50.  So, if I am not ever going to be 50, then surely I will die before then.  Makes sense, right?

I'm not sure I've ever told anyone this....

Mama's Losin' It

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Come, Walk With Me

Now that the weather is getting nicer, I have begun walking from the train to work again.

I am very lucky to have such a nice walk.

Come, walk with me.

This is 93 going into the tunnel.

The Zakim Bridge

Come with me, over the locks.

Looking out from the locks.

The other way.

Under the bridge.

The yacht club.

Bunker Hill Monument

The USS Constitution

Ahh, here we are, the Charlestown Navy Yard.

Not much farther now.

I love cobblestone.

When I'm not pushing a stroller.

Just down here a ways.

Those are cool to be in.  It's really pretty up there.

The Tobin Bridge

We made it.  Wanna go in and have some tea?

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Remembering Jana

I had never met Jana.  To be honest (because that is my forte), I probably would never had known her name, had it not been for Facebook (thank you Harvard overachievers.)  I have an extremely close immediate family, but due to fucked up family dynamics, we are not as close to extended family.

My cousin met the love of his life online.  This, of course, was source of many rumors within my family.  Rumors that I was too young/naive/self-absorbed to question.  Rumors, that I did not learn until hooking up with them on Facebook, that were slightly hugely embellished.  My extended family can be jerks.

The few things I learned about my cousin and his wife I learned about via the internet.  Chatting back and forth and such.  They lived in Florida and were madly in love.  If there is one thing that I will remember about Jana is that she loved Nick deeply.  You would've thought they were newly weds cause all the cutesy things they would post.  They both love games.  They both are the type that post every single achievement.  It was annoying, but now I will miss it.

I am deeply saddened by this loss.  She was a good woman.  She was a young woman.  Her time with Nick was too short, yet I hope that he remembers every good moment and is able to hang on to them.

This has reminded me that life is short.  Sometimes, you don't even realize how precious time can be.  Although I do not choose to be depressed, there is no time for that.  It is important to tell those that you love that you love them daily.  I do not mean to be cliche, but there it is.  It has also reminded me to keep in touch with those you love.  It makes me incredibly sad that I never had the pleasure of meeting Jana.  I am sad that I was never invited to Cousin in Italy's party and did not meet his wife and children.  I am incredibly sad about how much my Grandmother is a bitch.  (Not for just the party, for other reasons that I will not go into here.) 

I hope that no matter what happens, my cousin knows that I am here for him.  I am a good listener.  Maybe someday soon I will be able to visit him, because life is short.  There is no time for idleness.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Sometimes I Wish I Believed in God

Sometimes I wish I believed in God.  I have mentioned this before.  Sometimes I wish I believed that when a person died, they went to heaven.  I wish I believed that their loved ones who passed before them would meet them at St. Peter's Gate.  It would be comforting to think that they are some place happy.  Not just gone.

I also wished I believed that I would see them again.  That they would be waiting at the Gates when it was my time to return home.  Wouldn't it make grieving and death easier?  Believing that it was not Good bye, but See you soon.

People with faith must have it easier.  Not that I am suggesting that it is easy for anyone to lose a loved one.

And what do I say to the widower?  I'll pray for her?  Nope, can't say that.  You are in our thoughts and prayers.  Nope, that either.

But you know what?  I don't believe in God.  I believe that God is a concoction made up by people who did not understand something.  We are so evolved as a species, that if there is anything in the world that we don't understand (life/death) then it must be because of a higher power.  Couldn't be that we just do not understand it.  I think that is a little self-righteous. 

I live my life believing facts and deriving information and theories from facts.  It is a fact that people die.  At work, I get through by knowing that animals die.  That is how it is.  Animals die.  People die.  Children grow.  Time passes.  Parents die.  Pets die.  People die.  Maybe it is better, at least for me, to remember and come to accept those facts.  It is hard, but everything in life is.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

This Blog is in Mourning

  Angel of Grief

My cousin's wife died yesterday, suddenly and unexpectedly.  I had never met her, but became friends over facebook.  I had posts that I wanted to put up, but can't.  Nothing is right.  So my blog is in mourning.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Today's prompt from Mama Kat is:
What lights your fire? Describe five things you are most passionate about.

  1. Family - Not just being a mom, everything about family.  Extended family and friends that feel like family.  All are so important to me.  (Click the link, it is one of my favorite posts)
  2. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - I know that there is no 'saving' the environment, but I can help lessen the damage.  I want there to still be beautiful places when my son is old enough to enjoy them, and then when his children are old enough to enjoy them.  I try to incorporate these principals into all areas of my life.
  3. Busting Stereotypes - I am not an idiot.  I know that there is some truth in stereotypes; they came from somewhere.  There are Jewish bankers, flamboyant homosexuals, bad woman drivers, lazy poor people, and some African Americans do like grape soda.  But I want everyone to understand that not everyone is like that.  Not everyone follows the stereotype.  I actually find it a bit annoying when people do.  Like that kid in high school that everyone said was gay, but he adamantly denied it, then turns out that he is.  That makes me a little sad.
  4. Conscientious Consumerism - I do not support large corporations.  Especially the ones that treat their employees poorly.
  5. Health Care - So many people I know and love have been affected by the crappy health care system we have here.  I know how many times I was sick and could not go to the doctors because I could not afford it.  Seeing people I love struggle with disease and medical bills.  It is not right.
So, if anyone knows of any ways that I can make money doing any of these things (without going back to school), I am open to suggestions!  
    Mama's Losin' It

    Tuesday, March 9, 2010

    It is Bad Politics to Bend

    No, I don't mean bending like John Edwards.  Although, come to find out, that is bad politics too.  Nor do I mean break like Joe Lieberman.  I mean finding a middle ground, splitting the difference, compromise.

    Obama has removed the public option from the health care bill and in it's place put government subsidies.  Republicans are against it because they are against everything and the Democrats are pissed because it is not the public option.  Obama has reached out into the aisle and been snubbed by both parties.

    This reminds me of Martha Coakley's stance (not that it matters anymore.)  She is pro-choice and would not vote yes on a bill unless it allowed abortions.  In a way, I think this is admirable, I am pro-choice too.  But there is no way the Republicans will agree with it.  Abortion is such a hot topic, can't we save that fight for later?  Health care is the issue here.  But if Coakley submitted, she would lose her pro-choice supporters.  Can't win elections without supporters (which she ultimately didn't.)

    How do you get 75 people to agree on something?  Compromise.  Everyone has to bend.  But, if you do not stand firm, you may be called a flip-flopper (like John Kerry).  And, like Kerry taught us, that is bad politics.  Compromise just does not get you reelected.

    I admire the president for going forth with his plans, despite them being bad politics.  He is certainly not winning any popularity contests.  I also admire what Nancy Pelosi said last week telling House Democrats to step up even if the bill is unpopular at the moment.  "We're not here just to self-perpetuate our service in Congress," she said. "We're here to do the job for the American people."source


    I just bought an Ipod Touch!!

    Go ahead, it's okay to be jealous.

    I apologize in advance if I don't comment on your blogs.
    I am a Cool Kid now, so I will be reading them on the train.  And typing on the Ipod is kinda awkward.

    I'll be able to keep up with reading them now!