Sunday, November 28, 2010

Depression: the levels

Level 1: sad
Level 2: really sad
Level 3: dark rain cloud follows you around
Level 4: you fall into a hole or well or something. You are at the bottom and it is dark black all around and you cannot climb out
Level 5: the darkness and blackness is inside you. It is in control. The only way to get this darkness out is by cutting your skin and letting it out. You feel the darkness seep out immediately but only a little is released.

I'm at a level 5 right now.

Here is a short not all inclusive list of topics that should not be mentioned in my presence:

No random trivia on the ex. Unless you are telling me that he has money for me.
Horses. I can't explain it right now but in the same vein no camping, rock climbing, or vacationing either.
Don't ask me about my birthday and what you are not getting for me. Also don't talk about the fucking restraining order.
Don't ask me when I can get a babysitter. Let's just assume that I never can.
Don't ask me about my plans or ambitions. I have none therefore I have nothing to say. Don't ask about the job hunt either. There is no hunt.

I'm not sure what leaves, exactly, but that's fine too. It's hard to talk with all this darkness in my throat.
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Wednesday, November 24, 2010


You keep me here
Behind this wall
Behind this dark wall
Behind this black wall

Where I can hear see feel only you

then a hole
A small hole
One I can peek out
I can see things
Talk to people

Almost fall in love

But just as quick as it came the hole shuts up
And you, my guard, starts talking yelling
Telling me how worthless I am
How shitty I am
Reminding me of all the bad things that happened
The bad things I allowed
I was responsible

I try to defend myself against you
But you are as strong as I am, but more
I am no match for your hateful words

You throw me back into the black hole
You throw me a lifeline covered in razor wire
You care for me
You do not want me to dehydrate so you send liquor
You need me to need you

You want me to forget
You want me to look out the hole
You want me surprised and scared when the abuse starts

You want me to yourself
You cannot let me out
I am stuck in here with you

With myself.
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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Kind Words and Cruel People

Good morning fellow travelers. We are on our final approach to North Station. The sun is shining and it is a beautiful day. Be kind to each other out there. Have a good day and help make it that way.

People are unbelievably cruel. Sometimes someone does something just so far outside my comprehension that I can't get over it.

We are sorry for the hold up, folks. We are having signalling problems but should be on our way in a few minutes. Those on the left side of the train can look out your windows and see a red winged blackbird.

I actually enjoy my morning commute. First, if I get to the station early enough for the express, I can get a good parking spot. I can see my favorite conductor. I can hear my favorite engineer. I can walk to work across the locks and down cobblestone. One thing has changed.

Good morning fellow travelers. I am sad to say this will be the last time I will say that. Three months ago someone complained about an engineer saying positive things in the morning. Then the voice was silenced. Three weeks ago the voice retired. I would like to bid adieu by reading this poem entitled "Traces"...

I cannot believe people would be this angry over a man sending out positive messages in the morning. It is not like he talked for the entire 25 minutes. He only spoke for the last few minutes. I sleep on the train and am more than happy to be woken by his kind words.

I am going to miss my favorite engineer and I hope he continues making the world a happier place.

And I hope the person who complained has a new person in their life trying to make them happy. They are clearly a miserable person.
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Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I had never done it before.
I had never wanted to.

But as we spoke
More and more
I decided
I would

The day drew near
And my fear grew
But you are my friend
And I trusted you.

Then you came
And it was wonderful
As if we'd been close
All along.
I knew this wouldn't be the last

Something unexpected
Something I don't do often

But it was grand.

You traversed country borders
State borders
You came and made me smile

And for this I thank you.

For Mel

Mama's Losin' It
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Monday, November 15, 2010

Old Poems

I am not sure when I wrote these, but considering the writing I was clearly intoxicated. The first is untitled.

ask for my slice
I cannot use yours

love is a full glass
he and she like its
red liquid
leave some for I

Follow Your Heart

What's the matter?
I don't know.
You ask and I reply
I don't know

All that I know is that
I love you
and miss you
If I wait much longer
to see you
I'll go insane

Life is rough
When you are not around
You make my life bearable
and wonderful.

I love you
I miss you
I wish you were
sleeping here next to me

Where are you tonight?
I don't know.
All I know is that you're
not next to me

I love you
and I miss you

If you want to know
what is wrong with me
It's that you are not
next to me tonight.
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Sunday, November 14, 2010

A Fantasy

Sometimes I listen to country music and pretend that I live in the heartland. I wear an apron and bake. I wash the dishes with the window open, with the sun on my face. When I get time, I knit on the porch where I can watch the cows.

The men work in the fields and the children play in the barn. I married a real cowboy. He is strong and manly. I feel safe with him. He loves me deeply and writes songs on his guitar about our love.

In the morning I have chores such as milking the cows and collecting eggs. My cowboy takes care of the harder chores around the farm.

In the evenings we go to the local dive where we play darts with the rest of the locals. We are all friends, we grew up together. We sing and dance to the music on the jukebox.

But my favorite thing to do is ride. I jump on my horse and go. My horse and I know everything there is to know about each.other. We ride all over the county. I can clear my mind and only think about the wind blowing through her mane and mine. I love her and she is part of our family. The children adore her, but it is clear that she is mine.

I wonder how much riding lessons are...
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Saturday, November 13, 2010

Intelligent Design: Clearly Lacking Intelligence

First off I want you to know that evolutionary biologists are not Nazis. Also I might point out at the onset that Hitler was Christian.

Okay, some more general information. I watch a lot of documentaries. Good documentaries, like good papers, first explain your position and continue throughout to present evidence supporting your theory.

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed is poorly done. At no point does it explain what intelligent design (ID) is or any evidence supporting the theory. It rags on Darwinism saying there is no evidence supporting it, which we all know is just plain false.

I worked with this Catholic guy and we were arguing about whether global warming exists or not. He kept asking me for hard proof linking emissions to the rise in global temperatures. I pointed out that for a religious man he sure did need a lot of proof to believe something. He asked if I was implying that there was no evidence of god. I was indeed and he said the proof was the bible. In that case my proof is a docu made by a former vice president.

This movie begins with all of these stories of scientists being fired for mentioning ID. Oh, and stating quite clearly that ID is not creationism, which is bullshit in my opinion, but moving on.

Another fact that I must point out is how scientists get paid. You have a hypothesis and you go around to different foundations presenting your idea and experimental design and hopefully they give you a grant. Many times they ask for progress reports, and you must submit them if you want to continue to get paid. Here is the kicker: you cannot just study anything. You need someone to finance your research so if one day you decide that you want to research ID, expect that you are not going to be funded. And its nothing unusual to be underfunded. I worked on a devastating disease that we are having a hard time getting funding for.

Next the movie goes onto explain how unlikely that the proper molecules were arranged perfectly to form a living cell. I think they missed the point that the universe is fucking huge and surely the process had many years to get it right. This has never been repeated in a lab setting. Duh. We have no idea what the proper conditions were. Darwin believed that the first cell was very very simple, but ID people argue that cells are very complex therefore he was wrong. I don't understand their position at all. Not every cell on earth is complex. Some are quite simple.

Evolutionists suggested that the first cell may have occurred on the back of a crystal because they have high rates of mutations. Or Frances Crick theorized DNA was "seeded", meaning aliens? Stein can't believe that real science would consider a crystal theory or aliens. Yet apparently god is a better explanation?

ID is saying that evolution is very unlikely but they don't address how unlikely their theory is.

"Science is not a democracy" - no kidding. "It's only a theory" - as is gravity. As is relativity. As is most things. They kept saying "Darwinists don't know how everything works." Well we don't know how lots of things work. Our brain for example.

Stein asks the question "what do other countries do?" So like a good fair unbiased person would do, he went to Poland. Yup, Poland. And only Poland. And only spoke to one Polish person.

Finally after subtly hinting at the relationship between Darwinists and Nazis they finally came out and said they are practically one in the same. Here is where I want you to remember that Hitler was christian, not atheist. Eugenics was explained in evolutionary terms. Did you know that planned parenthood was just a big conspiracy to give contraception to the poor and underprivaledged so they don't reproduce. I think they are failing in their mission.

"Will eradicating religion lead to utopia?" Well, I don't know about utopia but I'm sure it would be a better place.
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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Confession #371

I am doing 2.) What are your confessions? (inspired by Usher)  You might think that this is sorta a cop-out but it is not!  I swear!

Tabatha is doing this 30 questions a day for the month.  

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I have a few of these so I'm only gonna talk about two people.  I'll tell you about the rest another day.

When I was in high school I had three really good friends.  One went away fairly quickly and that is a story itself, but the other two were friends into college (S and M).

I went to college comparatively closer to home than either of them did.  The first thing that really started to get to me was that M would come home and not tell me until after the fact.  I kept insisting that she tell me because I'd gladly drive up.  I was always the driver when we were in high school and I maintained that roll in college.  I drove out to western New Hampshire to visit S and Boston to visit M.  I did this fairly often.  Needless to say I think they only visited me once.

We all smoked together in high school, but when we went off to college, I started smoking more (and drinking more) and they turned away from drugs and stuck with the alcohol.  So, I guessed that part of the reason they didn't visit me was because they didn't want to hang out with me and my stoner friends.

Then I met the ex.  A couple of months later my friends, S and M, staged a kind of intervention for me.  They said that they thought he was all wrong for me.  That he did too many drugs (no comments from the peanut gallery.)  I didn't understand because I did just as much as he did.  I felt it would be terribly hypocritical to say that he did too much when I was using the same amount.

I started seeing and hearing from S and M less and less.  I thought it was a combination of them disliking my boyfriend and them going clubbing looking for men, which I had no interest in doing.  I married in Denver, but had a reception back in Maine.  They were both invited (along with others) and no one RSVP'ed.  No lame excuse, no we hate you, no nothing.  I decided I hated them all.

I didn't talk to any of them for a while.  I moved back to Maine and saw S in the store.  She seemed honestly excited to see me.  We exchanged phone numbers and promised to get together.  I was excited.  I called her a few times, left voicemails, but none of them were ever returned.  So I gave up.

I joined good ol' Facebook.  I asked to be friends with both girls.  They both "accepted" and because I do not friend people just to make myself feel popular, I messaged both of them saying hi, how are you, that type of thing.  Guess what?  No response.  Zero.  

It makes me sad.  I really really loved S - M a little less.  I  have spoken to other people from that time - even S's sister.  But neither of them.  I don't really know what made us drift so far.  It could've been their dislike of my ex or the drugs, but honestly I don't think so.  Perhaps they just live such different lives and have so many new people in their lives that I just don't fit into it anymore.  Or maybe they stopped liking me.  Whatever the reason, it is what it is, but if either of them emailed me today and wanted to hang out, I would drop everything.

Mama's Losin' It

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

An Epic Post

Do you even know what the word epic means??

adjective Also, ep·i·cal.
noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style:Homer's Iliad is an epic poem.

So the use of the word epic should always pertain or resemble this type of literature.  So, if you are a damsel in distress and a prince slays a dragon and comes to get you, then you write a blog on the whole thing, then you are allowed to use the word epic to describe said story.

If you ate a pretty big breakfast, they you are not allowed to call it epic.  Period.

Heres what our Urban Dictionary folks say about it:

the most overused word ever, next to fail. for even more asshole points, use them together to form "epic fail." everything is epic now. epic car. epic haircut. epic movie. epic album. epic shut the fuck up. saying "epic win" doesn't make you sound any better, either. and for fucks sake, don't ever say it in person.

So even the folks over there the word is totally obnoxious.  Your haircut cannot be epic.  Maybe if a hero swooped in and gave you that much desired haircut and then you write a poem - you know what?  No.  Don't even use it in that circumstance.  

Okay so I will agree that epic can be used to describe a movie.  Although not a movie such as Land of the Lost or Love Affair or any of the Saw movies.  Beowulf is obviously an epic movie as is Lord of the Rings.

Now I am sure that 90% of my Loyal Readers use the word "epic" daily.  And I certainly don't want anyone to stop cold turkey - god how that never works....  And I have to admit I, myself, have called things epic fails.  I think what really bothers me about the word is it's sudden prevalence in everyone's vernacular.  I know it is just a fad word like, um, well, probably fail, and I am sure that it will fade away like other fad words.  I'm just hoping that is sooner than later.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Future Smuture

I think I have mentioned before how when I was in first grade I would look up at the third graders and think how I would never be that big. How I just assumed that I would die before then just because it didn't seem possible. I didn't know until recently that that was depression. I just thought it was how it was.

I think this is the same reason I have made a lot of decisions in my life. Why I was so willy-nilly about college - because I couldn't picture myself going then graduating so I just thought I'd die or something before then. I only applied to one school and didn't really care if I got in or not. I picked a major without really thinking about it. I graduated with a decent gpa but not because I worked hard. I never really thought about getting a job after graduation. I think because I never believed I'd live that long.

I think that is why I'm so unmotivated all the time. I don't want to go to school, I don't really care enough to look for a new job, I'm gonna live in this shitty apartment forever.

I can't even get excited for Greece next summer because it is just too far away. I couldn't even talk about February because who knows what will happen before then.

My therapist urges me to remember to take my antidepressants. I dunno. I think who cares if I plan or not, but then that is probably what got me into the messes I've been in. Marriage? Sure, why not? Tomorrow? Sure, fuck it.

And if I plan things, there is the danger of looking forward to it and therefore the danger of being disappointed. And who wants to be disappointed, right?
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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Being Gonzo

While I was growing up, I was always considered "weird." I heard it all the time. I don't know why, though. Maybe it was because I watched MST 3K and the Twilight Zone. Or maybe because I read King and Koontz. Maybe because I didn't like New Kids On The Block or 90210. Or maybe because I wanted much more than this provincial life. Or maybe it was my big blue nose?

I always identified with Gonzo. Everyone called him weird and he felt like he didn't belong. He did things differently. He didn't know where he was from or who he was or what he was. He always felt like an outsider and I did too.

As I grew old though, I felt a kinship to Camilla the Chicken. Camilla was fairly normal, being a chicken and all, yet Gonzo loved her. They didn't care that they were so much different from each other. Camilla was generally quiet, just a squawck here or there, but when she had something important to say she spoke up. No one understood her like Gonzo and no one understood Gonzo like Camilla.

The Wishing Song
sung by Gonzo

I wish I had a coat of silk, the color of the sky.
I wish I had a lady fair, and then a butterfly
I wish I had a house of stone that looked down on the sea
But most of all I wish that I was someone else but me.

(Madeleine cheers up Gonzo)

Now I don't have a coat of silk, but I still have the sky
Now I don't have a lady, but there goes a butterfly
Now I don't have a house of stone, but I can see the sea
Now most of all I know that I am happy to be me.
I'm happy to be me.