Friday, December 30, 2011
The preschooler will decide that your lap is much nicer than his seat and sit on it. Then he will decide that your boyfriends lap is even better than both. He will look up at the show and want to dance. He will want to dance in the aisle because where you are sitting is too small of an area. You will not let him dance in the aisle because it is too far away. He will see Santa on stage and he will awe. He will hear Santa start talking about the Rockettes and turn his attention to something more exciting.
He will decide that he does not want his seat any more, but he wants yours. You will get up, move his booster and sit back down on the seat he has chosen for you. You will be trying to enjoy the show. He will decide that your lap is better than his seat and sit on it, again.
Near the end of the show, he will start crying that he wants to go home. You will try to calm him just for the last ten minutes, but it will not help. You get up and leave because he is inconsolable. You will enter the lobby and his crying will slow. By the time you get to the garage he is fit as a fiddle. He will buckle himself into the car and, odds are, when he gets bored, he will ask for your phone to play Angry Birds.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Yes or No?
Maybe is an unacceptable answer recently with Ryder. He wants a yes or a no. Everything is black and white.
You are either a Good Boy or a Bad Boy.
It is interesting the way children develop. This must be some sort of milestone or marker or something.
You are either a Girl or a Boy or a Boy who is about to turn into a Girl. I don't understand that last bit.
You are either a Baby or a Big Boy or a Boy who is about to turn into a Baby. I don't understand that last bit either.
Yes or No?
Thursday, December 8, 2011
This year, though, is a whole lot better. We are going to have Christmas morning at our house this year. We've always gone to my Mom's, but that always made me sad. The fact that I didn't have a big enough family to stay home for. This year I am happy with the size of our small family. And speaking of which, my wonderful Boyfriend will be joining us as well on Christmas. He actually makes me (dare I say it?) happy. And finally, we set up a great tree that hasn't tried to kill me once! We had a great time decorating it and I really feel like it is important this year. That's a big change from last year.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
My birthday is this week and that really begins the horribleness. It is the first day of December and, of course, December reminds me of the horrible holiday season. Along with this, my birthday always fucking sucks. Surprise parties that I begged not to have, broken promises, being alone, restraining orders, crying. Suck suck suck. This year my boyfriend and I are going to have fun F1 racing (I wish I could say I got paid for saying that.) It sounds fun but the more I think about it, the more scared I become of it.
My car's exhaust is broken. The damn thing sounds like an F1 racer already. My mechanic is all the way up in Maine so it is such a hassle every. single. time. And this exhaust? has been fixed 3 times in the past 2 years. Yup. FML.
I can't go into stores in December, they give me panic attacks. So I thought I would get everything done before Thanksgiving. Try to stave the madness off. But, as you know, the best laid plans of mice and men. A couple of the gifts are not happening, or are and I am stressed out about it. I still need to go to the stores. I still need to medicate myself before that can happen.
Every year, I never really worry about a tree because we don't spend Christmas at my house. This year is going to be different. We are staying home for Christmas. At least the morning of. I always thought it would be very sad just Ryder and I opening gifts. But then I decided that this is my family, as small as it might be. We would enjoy the holiday in the comfort of our own home. Enjoy our own tree. And hopefully my boyfriend will join us as well. I am happy about staying home and extremely sad at the same time. It is what it is, but that doesn't stop me from crying about it.
My plan at the beginning of the year was to plan on going snowboarding a lot this winter. That was going to be my light. Even that can't shine bright enough. Not today, at least.
What are you doing to keep away the winter blues?
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
There is a great article over at Blogher about organizing your bathroom. I posted my tricks to keeping an organized bathroom over in the comments section. You should go over there and join the conversation. And while you are over there at Blogher, you should enter the $250 giveaway. You just have to share your life well lived moment. You can read mine there. You have to hurry, though because it ends today.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I am planning on keeping gifts to a minimum this year. Try to knit a few things. Buy Ryder some much needed clothing instead of a bunch of toys, which he doesn't need. Of course I'll get him something to play with!
This then leads me to thinking about how much it costs me to get to work. Between daycare, the train pass, and parking, it is so much money. It makes me wonder why I come at all.
I called the Dept. of Revenue yesterday to find out about all the child support I have not received. They have no information. Just running his social daily. It is all that can be done. It really is not fair. I am struggling and raising our son, while he's doing god-knows-what. He is a fucking asshole.
Then I start thinking about how much I hate my job. I make just enough to mostly make it through, week by week. I have no idea what I would want to do, though. It's hard to look for a job when you don't know what you are looking for. So I do not look. I just try not to think about it. I just stay where I am and try not to complain too much.
I am stuck in a rut. Things need to change, but I do not know how to change them. I'll just sit here and cry, that'll probably help.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
I did not dress up, despite having a costume to do so. I wasn't in the mood. But it was okay because no one else in my party did either. Guess it wasn't the year.
I am glad the effing ferris wheel is gone, but I kinda miss it. It didn't seem to bother me much this year. It wasn't as bright.
Til next year...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I was very afraid of men. The first time I went to daycare, I saw that she had two grown sons and I freaked a little. I hadn't really interacted with any men since I kicked Ryder's father out. I wasn't sure what to do. What if they started yelling at me? I knew I was a shitty person, though I wasn't clear on why. What if they got angry enough to hurt Ryder or me?
I still am a little afraid.
I didn't interact with men, besides work and such, for a long time. I could not even think about dating. That was crazy talk.
I have a hard time thinking that all men are not like the ex. All men are not going to fuck me over. They are not all mean. They are not all going to call me names and get angry at any little misstep.
I still am a little afraid.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I have had a broken laptop in my possession for a while now. All it was doing was collecting dust until my friend suggested I sell it on eBay for parts. What a novel idea! I never thought such a thing possible.
She helps me set up the listing. Bidding starting at $25, buy it outright for $75, shipping $14. As soon as I listed it someone bought it for $75! I was psyched.
I waited for payment. And waited and waited. None came. I had to report the buyer. I planned on just relisting it, but since I am a new seller, I could only list one computer every 30 days. So I had to wait a little longer.
Finally my 30 days were up and I relisted it. I watched the bidding for a week. The final bid was $41 - and I was psyched. All I had to do was ship it. I tried going through UPS online, but they quoted a shipping price of $17. Well that could not be right. So I decided to go into a store. I checked the email I received from eBay and made the shipping label out to the PO Box they had listed.
Once inside the store, the clerk said that because it was a PO Box, it had to be shipped USPS priority shipping and would come to $26. I was so flustered that I just said okay. It was the only address I had, after all.
I went to my friend all upset that it had cost so much to ship. She told me to contact the buyer and tell them what happened. She said they would pay me, if only so I wouldn't give them a bad rating. So I did. I politely explained the situation and asked that she pay the difference.
I received a response today. The woman said that in the transaction details it not only says I shipped it UPS but it also gave me her house address. Furthermore, she told me that she does this all the time and if I did actually pay that much for shipping that I got ripped off. This really upset me. I didn't ship it UPS, I didn't have her home address, and I did not know if I did get ripped off. How could I have? Shipping prices don't change. Do they? So I double checked the email I was sent. Yup, PO Box. I checked the shipment tracking number, yup, USPS. Then I went online under transaction details. It does say that it was shipped UPS. I think this is what I was going to ship it. And sure enough, there was her home address. I had never seen this page, and why would I? I received an email with all the pertinent information. I blame eBay for not being user friendly, confusing, and sending me the wrong shipping address.
I am grateful that I have $30 more than I did before, but it was not worth the hassle.
Friday, October 14, 2011
|She is too cute.|
Do you have any pets?!
I sure do! I have a mini schnauzer mix named Penny. She is a very smart dog. Although I rarely admit that. She is awfully cute, but awfully needy. I don't really do needy. I have a hard time when my kid is needy, forget about the dog. But I try to bring her to Maine on occasion so that she can run around the backyard. She is good enough that I just let her out into my backyard a couple times a day and she rarely runs away. And always returns.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
The last book I read...
was Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes. It is about a woman who overdoses and is sent to a rehab facility by her friends and family. Rachel does not think she should be in rehab, but not many of the patients do, actually none of them think they do. It is a great book. Marian Keyes does a great job at addressing serious issues and putting a funny outlook on them. I have also read Anybody Out There and that's another I'd recommend. They are easy reads but not just fluff like some.
Friday, October 7, 2011
But for now I am excited! Last night was the Grand Parade. (Pics coming soon) We had great seats down on Front Street, which, apparently, is not a popular spot. All the better for us. And now you. Now that you know.
Ryder wore his super cute costume:
He got so much candy because he was cute. Especially from the college girls.
Tonight is Trick or Treating at the shops downtown. More candy. I still have candy from last year, of which I need to throw out before our excursion tonight. Good month to decide to eat healthy.
Anyways, the effing ferris wheel is due to go up in just under two weeks. I am not looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to fried dough, root beer floats, costumes!, trick or treating, and the Bizarre Bazaar.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
- Sleep in!
- Bring Ryder to the park. We don't get the chance to go very often.
- Travel. To anywhere.
- Put him on the bus. I've only done it once and that was only because I was running horribly late.
- Volunteer in Ryder's classroom. All the other parents get to...
- Run. A lot.
- Attend all those classes that are only offered during the weekdays.
- Blog more.
- Learn how to cook and then cook all the time.
- Demand that no one else had to work either.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
So here I am again. I've been having a good time. I've been hanging out with my beau, my family, my son. Work has been going okay. Same shit, you know. For some reason I cannot get into a sitting position today. I finally left my bed just to lay down on the couch.
Fucking depression. It hits at any time. It doesn't even care that my life is pretty good right now. It just waltzes it's ass in and sits on top of me. Threatening to choke me. Suck my breath out.
It is starting to become one of those times that I really need to talk to someone, but can't call anyone. I feel dumb calling someone for purely selfish reasons.
I had a couple of nightmares where I commuted several acts of arson. It was horrible. In the dreams I felt really bad about it, but felt like I needed to, anyways. I don't know.
My scar, at time like these, reminds me of how bad things can get. How bad I do not want to reach that point. I use the scar as a reminder of the pain.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
1. The illness I live with is: Severe depression, panic disorder, and agoraphobia
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2004, officially
3. But I had symptoms since: as long as I can remember. My earliest panic attack was somewhere between 4 and 6 years old.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Being aware that my intrusive thoughts are caused by depression and I can do something about them.
5. Most people assume: That I'm just a bit sad and should just get over it
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Caring enough to get up
7. My favorite medical TV show is: I don't really watch TV
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My phone - I love it
9. The hardest part about nights are: Getting to sleep and then staying asleep
10. Each day I take minimum 5 pills some days up to 8
11. Regarding alternative treatments: I've tried loads of things to get me to sleep and to stay asleep, but that is it
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: invisible, if I really had to choose
13. Regarding working and career: It is difficult to work or just get to work, when you don't care about anything. Or on the flip side, I get panicky really quickly, so any stress could cause a panic attack
14. People would be surprised to know: How quickly I can go from normal to depressed as shit
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: It is not really new
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Connect with others with similar situations
17. The commercials about my illness: Usually depict depression as a black cloud. I wish it were just a black cloud. It trivializes it
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: again, I've really always had it
19. It was really hard to have to give up: See above
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Blogging
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Be at peace with the world
22. My illness has taught me: Not to judge others, who knows what they are thinking
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "I'm so depressed that I'll never see a new Harry Potter movie again." That is not depressed. That is sad.
24. But I love it when people: Ask how I am
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It will be okay.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How many other people have the same problems
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Watch Ryder for me
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I'm pretty much not. But I want to help spread awareness about depression and anxiety and let people know they are not alone
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Special. It is a long list and there are no chocolate or vanilla questions
Thursday, September 15, 2011
On a side note, one of my traffic sources is some porn site. What? How is that even happening? Then a few others are in Russian. You probably don't know this about me, but I cannot speak, read, or write Russian.
Blog stats can be very strange.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Lucky Brand should totally hire me. As we speak my outfit is from Lucky. I love their clothes. They are so comfy... If I could get free shit or even paid (gasp!) that would be awesome. Maybe they will read this...
I usually buy Lucky stuffs from Marshall's. It is way cheaper than at the store.
Who should hire you?
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I was lying in bed. I believe that I had just woken up. I was staring at my wallpaper. It was some kind of kid wallpaper that you would put in a nursery. Slowly I felt my head getting smaller while my extremities grew enormously. They were going to get so big that I would not be able to lift them. In my mind's eye there was a hammer on the wallpaper. Bang. Bang. Bang. It was banging, rhythmically, in my head. I had no idea what was going on. I would not find out what went on until well into college. I believe I laid there for quite sometime before it subsided enough to get up. I tried telling my parents but I did not have the words to express how I felt.
It was so scary, not unlike the panic attacks I have now.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I loved summer camp at the YMCA. I remember loving winning the Who Can Fall Asleep Fastest award every day! I have always loved my naps. Sometimes they took us on field trips, usually to the playground a couple of blocks away. On one of these trips I was standing in the middle of the jungle gym and I desperately wanted to reach the top. So I took a huge jump but at the height of my ascent I felt a sharp pain in my arm. I fell on to the tar - because we were tough kids who didn't need pansy wood chips on our playgrounds. One of the counselors came running over and told me that a bee had stung me. I remember crying and crying and the counselor carried me back to the Y. I remember him telling me that bees only stung once because they die when their stinger was torn out. This somehow made 5 year old me feel better.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Bath time: First off, I do not make my kid take a bath every day. I have two hours with him a day, I'm not going to spend it fighting with him about bath time every day. He hates the bath. I think he doesn't like the water on his head. It has been very difficult getting him clean lately. At first he was screaming like I was killing him. It really helped when there was two people, one to hold him and one to clean him. When we were at a hotel I was convinced someone was going to call the police. Anyways, I had to hold him down to keep him in the tub. He hit and kicked me. It was ugly. Now, I try to use a washcloth instead of pouring water on him as much as possible, then when I do have to pour the water I do it very slowly. Very slowly. And I get him to wash himself, which seems to work pretty well. He still says he is scared of the bath.
Scared: I laughed at a coworker a few months ago when he told us his daughter was afraid of everything. "Oh that is so cute!" I exclaimed. Not cute. Really annoying. He claims to be afraid of everything: his bed, my room, the dog, water, dinner, leaving the couch. He is not afraid of the GameCube though. That is just fine. I don't know what is real and what isn't. I don't want to make anything worse, but I don't want to give in to every fear, real or imagined.
Bed wetting: He has only done this twice, but it makes me worry. Sure, they are probably truly accidents, but what if there is an actual problem? How would I know? Should I be doing something different? I'm probably worried about nothing.
That is how it is, though, right? Worry, worry, worry. Worry and guilt. Sometimes being a parent is fun. Sometimes it is so not.
What do you worry about?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
<p>Another summer is coming to a close and I feel like mine was not complete. Which is ridiculous. I went to Canada, North Conway, camping, swimming, hiking, letterboxing, and went on a few dates. What is wrong with me? </p>
<p>I feel like we didn't go to the pool enough, so I desperately want to go this weekend, but there is a friggin hurricane coming. </p>
<p>I think it stems from plain old mommy guilt. I work all week, then I try to spend time outdoors on the weekend. That's really all I get with him, the weekends, and that makes me feel shitty. To top that off, Ryder goes to summer school, so this is his real first week off, just to start again in two weeks. His school is only 10 hours a week and he loves it, but I still feel guilty. I hated school and I assume everyone else does to.</p>
<p>He is such a happy boy. He loves everyone and he does way more than I got to do when I was young, yet I constantly worry I am not enough.</p>
<p>Speaking of that, every once in a while I get so angry that I don't receive child support. I do fine by myself, but I find myself dreaming how life would be with an extra $100 a week. I could get the internet at home. Buy a new (used) car that I could love. I see fathers who pay child support and struggle a bit. Yet Ryder's father gets off scott free. And the amount he owes is so large that that amount makes no difference what it is. What's the difference between a hundred and a million when you are getting nothing? That makes me angry.</p>
<p>That covers guilt and anger. I have, actually, been happy lately. I am staying busy and have had some adult time lately. Man how I've missed adult time.</p>
Summers are not long enough. Weekends are not long enough. Days are not long enough.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
- How to make friends
- How to enjoy life
- How to dance
- How to love unconditionally
- How to sing - even if you don't know the words
- How to take my time
- How to enjoy school
- How to live without the internet
- How to assert myself without thought of repercussions
- How to play nicely
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
- Do tip your waitress 15% - 20% - Waitstaff make less than minimum wage. They depend on tips for their living.
- Don't base your tip on the food, just the service - Your server did not make the food, it is not their fault if it is bad. But it is their business to get you a new dish or whatever.
- Do tip your delivery man - They probably make minimum wage, and I don't know what it is like where you live, but you cannot survive on minimum wage around here. A flat $2 tip is fine.
- Don't worry if you can only leave change - I actually liked change. I told everyone it was my honeymoon money.
- Do tip the hairdresser and taxi driver - Unless you want to look like Stevie Nicks next time you go to get a hair cut.
- Don't tip everyone - I mean, if you really want to by all means, but you do not have to. The guy pumping your gas does not expect a tip. And, please, those postal workers get better benefits than I do.
- Do tip more for exceptional service - Again, you don't have to, but a good tip is incentive for waitstaff to provide out-of-their-way service
- Don't tip based on the chart on your receipt - Lately I have been seeing on receipts that they tell you how much to tip based on 15, 20, and 25 percent. Sometimes they are wrong! Some are trying to trick you into tipping too much. Buy one of those pocket tipping charts.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Dating makes me feel normal for some reason.
I didn't ever really date before I was married. Sure, I hooked up with plenty of guys, but I didn't date them.
At first I was feeling almost like I was weak for wanting to date. Like I don't need anyone else. I'm secure by myself. I've been this long by myself.
But now that I'm trying it out, I feel normal.
Kinda like Seinfeld or Sex in the City or some other third show. Especially now that I think it is okay for me to date someone I don't necessarily want to marry. Then again, how will you know if someone is the marrying kind without dating them. I picture those shows where they have bad dates and that makes me a bit more optimistic (shaky ground here). Makes me feel like if the date goes badly, that is okay too.
This is all new to me, but I am glad I am venturing into new territory. It doesn't mean I'm weak. I just want to have some fun.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I am from the murky bottom of the lake, from Cabbage Patch Kids and Big League Chew.
I am from the smell of a candle, from noisy family dinners. I am from delicious no-bake cookies.
I am from using a buttercup to determine the affinity for butter. I am from misty waterfalls, from rock hopping, from the amazing sight at the top of a 4,000 footer.
I am from dry jokes and thick hair. I am from Larry and Ellen, from Wyatt and Rose.
I am from the insistence that you are wrong. I am from generosity, knowledge, and love.
From digging to China. From not picking up dirty feathers. From surveillance equipment in the back of a Humpty Dumpty truck and getting you face hit by a train.
I am from Catholicism. I am from baptisms and first communions. I am from denying the existence of God.
I am from Boston. I am from Germany, Ireland, and England. I am from boiled potatoes and baked chicken.
From not knowing where Pleasant Street is. From setting up the Taj Ma Tent in the rain.
I am from the low pipes in a cobwebby basement. From piles and piles of dusty boxes. From the irreplaceable family photos stored in said dusty boxes.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Okay, so the title is a bit misleading. I don't really know how to simplify my life, but that is what I am going to do. I started by whittling down what I carry around. I really do not need rewards cards from every store. At grocery stores, you can just ask the cashier to scan the store card. Then for the other stores, have you even earned any rewards off of these things? I do from my CVS and AC Moore cards so I kept them and tossed all the others. That was a huge relief.
Speaking of supposed savings, I used to keep all the coupons I got in the mail, just in case. Just in case what? The valvoline place blows up and I have to get an oil change elsewhere? I will certainly need $5 off. So those get recycled. Papers that probably have interesting articles but have been sitting on my table for a month? Gone. And I don't miss them.
I can't watch Hoarders because it gives me a panic attack, but I'm sure they have some great advice. Post any ideas or links in the comments. We could work on this together?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
It is the end of the fourth day of my vacation. As much as I have enjoyed not going to work, I have not been happy. I have felt guilty about not being at work. I have been feeling very lonely not having anyone to talk to. I have been sad and bored, even when I am doing something.
A couple times I was doing something fun and I just wanted to stop and lay down in bed. I just feel like crying all the time. I thought a vacation would help me shake this depression off. Au contraire, it seems to be making it worse.
So, I'm sitting in a hotel room, watching mtv, and sorta wishing someone was here with me. Anyone would do, really. I wish I was at home, in my bed, crying.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Eden Fantasys sent me a Ben's G-Spot Smoothie to me for free to review!
A couple of other things I love about it is the shape and texture. It is curved to fit the contours of your body. You can really feel the whole vibrator. It is easy to hold or just leave in, if that's how you prefer to play. It is made of plastic so it is super easy to keep clean, but is still soft.
Eden Fantasys is a great place to buy sex toys from. Ordering is easy and the packaging is discreet. If you are a Blogger, you should contact them, because they love bloggers!
If you get one, be sure to tell me what you think!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Inside it is stiffling, so I grab my wine and keys and head out into the fresh night air. The night is alive with music. Spanish music that I cannot understand, but makes me want to dance. Tengo que bailer.
There seems to be people everywhere. Kids trying to procure adult beverages, young adults racing down the street, a truck that is having a hard time parallel parking. I am not outside long before it begins to rain. Starting slowly at first and deterring no one. A woman walks by with her dog.
The rain comes down harder, yet the party continues on. Children walk by with basketballs even though it is much too dark to play. Even in the city lights. The truck gives up trying to park and goes somewhere else. A second truck comes up and easily takes the spot.
My feet are getting wet, so I need to retreat a bit farther onto the porch. My glass is empty and is screaming to be refilled. I yield, running inside real quick to grab a refill and my pipe. My dog follows me out. She, too, is curious of the city noises.
The temperature is dropping and there are less people wandering about. Even my dog comes back under shelter. It gets colder and I realize I am exhausted.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Ryder came home the other day and I told him it was dinner time. "I have already eaten dinner," he told me. Then continued to tell me what exactly he ate.
He didn't talk for the longest time and now he is telling me about what he had done.
I tried to help him get onto the first ride. He didn't need help.
He is finally tall enough for the log flume ride. I dragged him on and he was so scared. After the first hill he said "I'm done! I'm done!" but unfortunately for him there was another hill. I think it was good for him.
My parents babysat Saturday while I went out to see a show. I got back around 2 am and snuck into bed with him. He woke in the morning, hugged me and said "Mama, I missed you!"
Be still my beating heart.
Monday, June 13, 2011
How could we resist after seeing a dachshund puppy everyday? He was our neighbor's dog and looked something like this:
|Who could resist those eyes?|
|Penny and Houdini|
|Can you believe this is the best pic I could find?!|
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Fresh Air Fund contacted me and asked me for a hand, because they are looking for host families in the Northeast and Canada. Twelve hundred host families, actually, for this summer. They are looking for volunteers to host a child in their home for up to two weeks. The children are ages six to twelve and the volunteers can request the age and gender of the child.
This is a great organization and I am happy to help get out the word about them. They have been doing this since 1877 and hopefully will continue to help children for another 100+ years. If you would like to help or would like more information check out their website. It is packed with information.
Friday, June 3, 2011
My Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer in October, 2007. She had surgery to remove all but the inoperable tumor. Since then she has been through so many different drugs. Some make her hair fall out, some gives her peripheral neuropathy (numb hands and feet), some just make her tired. The drug she is currently on has cardiac symptoms. No one wants to mess with their heart. They carefully monitor her to see if she is able to continue on the drug.
|This is last year's poster, but don't we look awesome?|
This is why I do the Jimmy Fund Walk every year. To raise money for cancer research that might, hopefully, save my Mom.
We need your help too! My goal for this year is $500 and I am quite behind. Could you donate to my walk and to cancer research everywhere?
Thank you everybody! You are my heroes.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
1. Buy something from a child in Mexico, paying more than asked.
2. Find out what makes me happy.
3. Have a song written for me.
4. Have a second child.
5. Grow a garden.
6. Learn to rock climb.
7. Learn to play tennis
8. Teach Ryder to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the piano.
9. Go on a cruise.
10. See Circle de Soliel
11. Drink an ale in a pub in Dublin.
12. Attend a World Series game.
13. Buy a joint legally.
14. Finish the New York Times' Sunday crossword.
15. Forgive my ex-husband.
What is on your bucket list?
Monday, May 30, 2011
~Other parents are way more tolerant than I think. Ryder seems to ask every adult on the playground to watch him, or catch him, or help him. I run over and try to help him myself, but of course he doesn't want my help. I've learned that the other parents are okay with the whole thing. Maybe their kids do the same.
~Sometimes it is okay to break the rules. You'd think I would know this by now. It us a really difficult lesson to remember. Sometimes pretending not to see him is okay as long as it is not dangerous. What playground nowadays can you even do anything dangerous in?
~You don't have to maintain clear sight at all times to be a good parent. If Ryder runs behind a tree for a second, it does not mean he has been stolen. It is okay for a piece of playground equipment to obscure my sight for a second or two.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
For instance, with my mom, a two year old playing with buttons? Fine. Playing with rings? Good. Nevermind they are choking hazards. A four year old saying "Jesus"? Hell no. Playing with the shell-game-like toy he got at Wendy's? I might as well get his jail cell ready for him now.
Another major difference is teaching him the difference between when an activity is okay and when it is not. I say never climb up the slide the wrong way. Major pet peeve of mine. Mom says you can as long as there are not too many kids on the playground. What does that mean? How many are too many? How does he know? Or she says that he can climb on her legs but not her abdomen. I say don't climb on people.
However differently we parent, neither of us could be too wrong. Ryder is very happy and my mom raised four of us successfully. Though, I must say, my dad sides with me.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Mental illness is one of these invisible diseases. Much like arthritis and lupus, others cannot tell that you are sick and often just plain out don't believe you. "It's all in your head," we are told. "You don't *look* sick." Someone said yesterday that mental illness is a disease, not a choice.
In the interest of this important day where we are all getting together to promote awareness, I will be candid. Well, even more candid than normal.
Most of you know that I suffer from depression, panic disorder and agoraphobia. Depression is severe sadness along with feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. It is not just I am having a bad day or I'm so depressed because my dog died. Depression doesn't leave when you are done grieving and it certainly does not wait for something bad to happen to rear up. Panic disorder is an anxiety disorder where you get anxiety, or panic, attacks. Anxiety attacks are where you are so anxious about something that you can't think straight, you can't breathe, you can't function. And finally agoraphobia is defined as the fear of open spaces, but that is a little misleading. It's really the fear of leaving a safe place. A fear of going into a situation that will cause anxiety. Personally, I think it's just playing it smart. But I'm no MD.
Personally I'd rather have anxiety than depression any day. With anxiety, at least I get shit done. When I am depressed, forget about it. The only thing I want to do is lie in bed and not move.
I refer to depression as a black hole. When you are sad normally, it feels like there is a black cloud following you, right? Depression is more like falling into a black hole. It surrounds you, gnaws on you, keeps you prisoner in it's deep recesses. When the depression is really severe, I feel like the darkness is inside me. It is actually coursing through my veins. It has tainted my blood. It is times like these that cutting, thoughts of suicide and hospitalization come up. I have never been hospitalized but I've been extremely close. Like one day away close.
People always comment on how happy I am, or how patient or how calm and down-to-earth I am. It's very deceiving. I put on a pretty good act, if I do say so myself. Being depressed or panicked can be embarrassing. People say things like just cheer up. Just calm down. Just snap out of it. As if it is that easy.
Do you know what I am talking about? Can you relate? I hope you can't, but if you can you should talk to someone about it. At the very least, you can email me. I don't judge. There is no equal to professional help, though. I see a psychiatrist who gives me meds to help stabilize me and a therapist who helps me through life. They are indispensable to me.
I went into it knowing that I wanted to change my blog. I wanted a new name and along with that a new center. Something more aligned with who I am now. One of the first suggestions made at the conference was "Buy your own domain name." So, that went right up there with my first priorities. Who doesn't want their own dot com?
The first presentation was from Amy Bradley Hole from Be Better Branding. This was right along the lines with my goals. She gave us some questions for us to answer for ourselves. Including "What is my promise?" and "What is my story?"
There was some information that I wasn't interested in/didn't understand. SEO, for instance, what the fuck? I do not get that shit at all. Writing a good pitch, just not what I need.
I met a ton of people. A ton. Everyone was super nice. Not everyone had a blog. Some were in marketing, advertising, or was just interested in starting a blog. Everyone had a business card. You need a business card. No joke. I remember reading that on Mama Kat's blog and thinking she was exaggerating at best; no, she wasn't. My problem now is trying to match up the cards to the faces. The quickly fading faces. I need to get on that.
My favorite presentation was from Mommy Niri. She talked about using your bloggy power for good. For helping out with charities and other noble causes. But, she stressed, not letting anyone walk over you. Your time is still worth something.
I would suggest the BBC for anyone who is serious about their blog. If you are just keeping your family updated on your endeavors, you probably won't get much out of it. But if you want to improve your blog, marketing, branding, or writing, then this would be a good fit for you.
Friday, May 13, 2011
2.Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Rocky Horror) – Many of my choices is people who are not afraid to be themselves. The Dr. is one of them.
3.Frankenstein’s monster – He travels around and people are scared of him. Like the monster, I don’t always know what is right.
4.Bilbo Baggins (Lord of the Rings) – “It's a dangerous business going out your front door.”
5.Spongebob Squarepants – I can relate events in my life to Spongebob episodes.
6.Jacob Grace (God-Shaped Hole) - "If your intentions are pure I am seeking a friend for the end of the world." Jacob was himself. No apologies. And he loved so passionately.
7.Gonzo (Muppets) – Gonzo is always depressed and unhappy with who he is. So am I.
8.Eeyore – Eeyore is also depressed. Even his happy is sort of sad.
9.Batman – Batman is my favorite superhero. He is an ordinary guy who goes out and serves justice. My hero!
10.Gambit (X-Men) – I wanted to marry Gambit. Still do.
11.Daisy (The Great Gatsby) – I am not sure why I chose Daisy. Maybe it was her great love towards Jay.
12.Michael Corleone (The Godfather) – Michael thought he knew what was right. He thought everything was black and white, but it isn’t. Something I am still learning.
13.Daria – Daria is who I imagined I was.
14.Rayanne Graff (My So-Called Life) – Rayanne was someone who I wanted to be. And her nickname was Rainey.
15.Laura Wingfield (The Glass Menagerie) – Laura is so fragile and innocent – like her glass. I think of myself as fragile.
Monday, May 9, 2011
I bought my very own domain name! Yay! Just need to leave out the "of". Update your bookmarks, please.
Thanks for being here for me xoxo
I never liked romantic comedies, for the record.
Action/adventure? Yes. I think I first really noticed that this was my genre when I would go into the section with my ex and find all my favorites. Apocalypse Now? Oh. Who knew?
Mobster and war movies are my favorite sub-genres. The Departed has that extra Boston element to it too. I do not like Jason Statham movies. Crank was about the worst movie ever. Though it is not the lack of plot that I hate. I hate plenty of movies lacking plot: Sucker Punch for one. That is a great movie about girls kicking ass. What more does a movie need? A great soundtrack maybe? Check! It's got that too.
What is your favorite movie genre?
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Anyways, it was a fun job. Everything worked like an assembly line. The food preparation, distribution, and cleaning. My favorite part was cleaning. They gave you a powerful hose and told you to get everything wet. ¡No problemo!
Of course we were an unlikely bunch of coworkers who became an equally unlikely group of friends. There was always good chatting, well meant jabs, lively cigarette breaks, singing, dancing, and soaking each other with the aforementioned hose.
The job itself sucked, but the people made it fun every day.
Friday, April 29, 2011
It's happened. I have lived in the city too long. I am fully assimilated. I kinda enjoy all the honking.
People only honk when someone is dumb, and it's not always the one being honked at. So whenever I hear a horn lately I think "haha, who is being dumb now?"
Thursday, April 28, 2011
I have a good kid and he drives me mad. How do parents with not so good kids do it?
The problem with trying to read someone that you don't really know is that you don't know them well enough to read them. Sounds like its obvious? Not to all of us, okay?
A quick story for Mama Kat's writing workshop: an embarrassing story from school. I generally don't get embarrassed. I have a high tolerance or something. Drunk friends can easily spit out something told in confidence, though, and my face turns redder than a beet. (Does anyone even eat beets?) I was out and about with a friend in college and we saw this guy I knew from high school. I'm about to say hi when she says to me very loudly "Isn't that the guy that you like from your high school?" Extremely awkward.
One last thing. I'm going to the SITS Bloggy Boot Camp May 7th. I'm going with Mel and Frannie! We are going to have so much fun! Has anybody else been to anything like this?
Friday, April 22, 2011
I have mentioned before that I understand the tortured artist thing. How when you are the worst, your art is the best. My mom said something to me today: "Why haven't you been making more birds?" And I answered something vague about not having time or they being hard.
But the real answer is is that I've been happy lately. I've been doing things and seeing people. I've been socializing. I haven't had the time nor the want to sit around knitting. But now that I've fallen into my hole, it sounds like a grand thing to do. I feel worthless so I need to make something to convince myself (even for a fleeting second) that I am not.
Understanding is not easy. Dealing with it is not easy. Trying not to freak you child or new friends out is not easy. Nothing about depression is easy.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Yesterday was Ryder's birthday. He was all happy, of course, but I was not. I hate birthdays. They remind me of the beginnings. They remind me of things before they became miserable. Or rather when they were miserable.
Yesterday I was thinking of when Ryder was born. We waited and waited and waited. Then four years ago, I went into the hospital to be induced. Andrew was there.
My family was there. We were watching the Sox when my water broke. They left and I didn't invite them back. Andrew was there. He was probably more scared than I was.
They gave me an epidural and told me to rest. Andrew went to wait outside. I was later told that he was on the phone getting drugs.
I couldn't rest. The epidural made me itchy so everyone came back and I pushed. Pushed and pushed. Andrew was there. Ryder came and he was amazing. Our family had just grown to three. And that's how it was supposed to be. Three. Because Andrew was there.
And now he's not. He was not there for long after Ryder was born. It was just Ryder and I and it still is. I cannot grasp how that happened. It happened so quickly. He was there, then he wasn't. He doesn't even see Ryder now.
Ryder is amazing. I don't understand how he goes about his day not caring to know that. He loved him so much four years ago. How did that change?
Friday, April 8, 2011
I hate him. I have no good reason, I just hate him. Loathe him perhaps.
He's normal enough looking, I guess. An older man with a briefcase. He parks near me, gets on at the same door on the same train as me. He takes the same return train, then we walk parallel to our cars.
Couldn't he be a friend? We have so much in common. No. Because I hate him.
One morning I decided I would speak to him. That should dispel any hatred I have, just seeing him as a normal person. We were paying for parking, next to each other of course, when I said "Wow, the parking lot is filling up quickly today." He said "Well, people park in this lot because it is cheaper than the other." No shit. That's why *I* park in that lot. Not because I want to walk farther. So that was it. The end of Operation Speech Will Set You Free.
As if I couldn't hate him any more, he got this Celtics jacket. It is so obnoxious. Besides being the mandatory Kelly Green, it has banners on the back. You know the type. The ones that teams get for winning this or that, then hang around the arena. Yes those. On the back of his jacket there is a replica of each and every banner the Celtics have won. It sorta makes me want to beat him over the head.
One last piece of evidence for you, before I bore you and anger myself. When he gets his receipt from the parking meter, he places it on top of the meter. Wtf? I am tempted to tell him to just throw it on the ground. Is is really kidding himself by thinking that by putting it on top of something, it is not littering? I bet 5 minutes pass before that thing is flying all over the damned parking lot.
Maybe I'll offer to take it next time. "Instead of you littering, I'll take that paper for you." Maybe.
Or maybe I'll just hit him over the head.
Monday, April 4, 2011
La de da... I hate vacuuming... La de da...
Fuck this couch is heavy. Maybe I should put it off til next time. No. That's what I said last time. Just behind the couch then I can get started on my keg.
What the... I don't remember this little door. No, I definitely would've remembered an Alice-in-Wonderland-door. I wonder... hey, it opened easy enough. If only I had one of those nifty "Eat Me" cakes. Well, what do you know? Ask and you shall receive. Mmmm... Carrot cake. I ought to find out who makes these and... Whoa there! Okay, smaller, smaller, I dig it.
Holy shit! This place is beautiful! Look at all the butterflies! And the sun, so bright - not sure how it fit in my house... and the trees. Are those... yeah, there are books growing on the trees. I'll just grab one, here, ah, Catcher in the Rye, that's a good one. And I'll just sit upon this soft grassy knoll. "'If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born..."
"...Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." Ahhh... how nice it is to finish a book in one sitting. I... oh no! How long have I been in here? The kids are probably looking for me. Where's that door? There it is. Kids! Mommy is coming!
That's weird, I'm normal sized again. And the house is quiet. What time... its not a minute later than when I went through the door to begin with... so peculiar.
Imagine you're home alone (I know this may be hard to visualize but work with me here) and you stumble upon a secret passageway in your living room. The passage leads to a room of your very own, one that you will never tell another living soul about. This is your sanctuary. What does your room look like? What will you do here? Be as creative as you want and add a twist of magic.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Bethel is in the middle of the woods. During the winter, Shawnee Peak is open so there is a lot of skiing to do. Not so much in the summer. Drinking, hanging at the general store, catching a shitty movies in the shitty theater, smoking butts and js, and driving around looking for trouble. We stuck, mostly with the latter two.
One day we were doing what all the townies were doing, which is to say nothing. Driving, smoking, maybe a swig or two. The friends took us down a long lonesome road. They began to tell us of a haunted house. A house abandoned, forgotten and probably a hotel to those visiting from beyond. We didn't believe it. Much.
Finally we entered a clearing and there was this tall old Colonial style house in the middle of the woods. "How can some one abandon such a gorgeous house?" someone asked.
Someone, of course, suggested that the old woman who was living there had died and her family did not want it. "Shit! We'll take it!"
It could have been the ghost story, or the drugs, or perhaps all of the NO Trespassing signs we blatantly ignored, but the house scared us. What was a group of 16 year old girls supposed to do? Beth and I volunteered to go in, under the condition that they honk the horn like mad if a car (or ghost) comes. Everyone agreed.
After a little B & E we were in the house. It looked like the last person that was there was in the middle of eating because there were dirty dishes around. No one lived there, because there were drapes on the furniture. "What should we take?" I asked my partner in crime. She didn't know. She found a game of jacks that she pocketed. While I searched for something more my style.
I picked up an old wine bottle that had wax dripped down the side. At the same moment that I was admiring the glassware mad honking came from outside. We both ran out the way we came in. I still carrying my wine bottle. We jumped into the car and the three girls that had stayed behind were freaking the fuck out. There was no car. There was no ghost. There was nothing but a couple of scared girls. They said we'd been in there too long. They just wanted to leave. I just wanted to go back in. At least I hung onto that bottle. I still have it and I love it."
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I grabbed the journal that was lying on my bed. Nothing too recent since I'm sure I blogged about everything I wanted to share already. I flipped to the front. I stopped randomly. It was too sad.
December 2004. The Sox had won the World Series. Bush had been elected for a second term. My husband had left me. I was all alone in Denver. I had a couple of friends, but god knows I don't hang around people when I'm in the hole. I was drinking and smoking too much. Drinking and driving like it was the only way. I didn't care. A good car accident would probably help things, right? Couldn't possibly get worse, right? Well, thankfully it didn't, but it certainly could have.
I could not even read the entry. The first paragraph is all I could get through. Then I realized, they'd all be like that. I only write down bad things. I write things so I can get them out of my head. Not unlike Dumbledore's pensieve. I didn't want to write happy things because I wanted them to stay with me. I needed them. Sure, when I was a kid I wrote happy things down... maybe I should've tried them first...
Anyhow, I'm not going to share. I guess I kinda did. Either way, it still inspired me, somewhat.