Among my other diagnoses, I am afflicted by seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.). As if the others weren't enough. That link brings you to the Mayo site and it has some good information. This basically means that winter and the holidays cause depression within me. It is coming on strong.
My birthday is this week and that really begins the horribleness. It is the first day of December and, of course, December reminds me of the horrible holiday season. Along with this, my birthday always fucking sucks. Surprise parties that I begged not to have, broken promises, being alone, restraining orders, crying. Suck suck suck. This year my boyfriend and I are going to have fun F1 racing (I wish I could say I got paid for saying that.) It sounds fun but the more I think about it, the more scared I become of it.
My car's exhaust is broken. The damn thing sounds like an F1 racer already. My mechanic is all the way up in Maine so it is such a hassle every. single. time. And this exhaust? has been fixed 3 times in the past 2 years. Yup. FML.
I can't go into stores in December, they give me panic attacks. So I thought I would get everything done before Thanksgiving. Try to stave the madness off. But, as you know, the best laid plans of mice and men. A couple of the gifts are not happening, or are and I am stressed out about it. I still need to go to the stores. I still need to medicate myself before that can happen.
Every year, I never really worry about a tree because we don't spend Christmas at my house. This year is going to be different. We are staying home for Christmas. At least the morning of. I always thought it would be very sad just Ryder and I opening gifts. But then I decided that this is my family, as small as it might be. We would enjoy the holiday in the comfort of our own home. Enjoy our own tree. And hopefully my boyfriend will join us as well. I am happy about staying home and extremely sad at the same time. It is what it is, but that doesn't stop me from crying about it.
My plan at the beginning of the year was to plan on going snowboarding a lot this winter. That was going to be my light. Even that can't shine bright enough. Not today, at least.
What are you doing to keep away the winter blues?