Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Wordless With Santa

Have you made a visit to the North Pole yet? Share your Santa pictures!

Mama’s Losin’ It


Okay This Can Be Over Now

I am over the whole Christmas thing. I bought my gifts online. My postman gives me the little you-have-a-package-to-pick-up slips every Saturday. Then I have to wait a whole week to pick them up. How inconvenient. Especially when I am home when he tries to drop it off. Although that is not his fault - my doorbell doesn't work.

Just found out that my daycare will be closed the 26th as well as the 24th and 25th. I don't know what to do about work. I think I'll just have to stay home, but they are not going to like that. What is a girl to do, though?

Ryder started karate classes Saturday and he will be going every Saturday til the end of time. (Which is actually Friday, I hear?) He really likes it and I think it will be really good for him.

What else? Oh, yeah, wrapping, dry cleaning, baking for party, buying stocking stuffers, work, a lot of driving, school stuff. I've got a lot going on, some of it better than others. It is not easy, but I am going to try to go slow and not stress out too too much.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Reusing Stamps

This is a surprisingly controversial topic. Reusing stamps. Apparently people can be very passionate about the US Postal Service. Who knew?

I letterbox. What it is in a nutshell is a treasure hunt. The treasure is a box with a hand-carved stamp in it. You stamp it in your logbook and you stamp your personal stamp in it's logbook. The clues are up at Atlas Quest and Letterboxing North America. It is all good fun.

Anyways, on AQ, you can trade letterboxing trading cards (LTCs). Basically a baseball card, but with a hand-carved stamp instead of a baseball player. Then you trade them with other people.

Well, sometimes, when you mail your LTCs in a padded envelope, the post office doesn't cancel the stamps. Then you reuse the envelope. I then reuse the stamps, but apparently there are a lot of people who do not. They say it is stealing from the post office and ultimately we end up paying more for postage. All that is fine (and probably true) but I still reuse the stamps.

Here is the thing, I think the USPS dropped the ball here and it would be a shame to throw away perfectly good stamps. Someone mentioned that you would never steal a $2.00 jug of milk from a grocery store. To that I say, firstly, if I had to for my family, I would (I guess that is the Breaking Bad excuse.) But secondly, I would not steal it, but if I went through the check out and they did not ring it up, I would not go back to the store to pay for it. That, I suppose, is the same thing as stealing, but I wouldn't go back to pay for it.

Another argument against reusing is perhaps the USPS has invisible ink that only its computers can see. To this I say "Bollocks." There is no way the USPS would have that kind of technology, plus it would be useless. Why not just use the visible ink?

So, I was wondering where you stand on this issue, if you made it this far through the post. Would you reuse stamps?

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Holidays Suck

The holidays have been killing me. I have finished my Christmas shopping except for a few stocking stuffers, now I am just waiting for them to be delivered to me. Yes, I did all of my shopping online this year. I cannot do stores in December. It is just too much for me. Too many people.

But online is great! I can easily find the lowest price instead of having to look all over town.

I was really stressed out about it though. I wanted to make sure I ordered everything so that they would get to me by Christmas. As it is, there is one gift that I am not 100% sure will get here on time. (Damn you Groupon and your excellent deals!) And there is one gift that I needed by the 15th, which thankfully showed up already.

So shopping is the worst of it, but there was the tree too. My son kept asking me when we could put it up. We finally did this past Sunday. OH! and cards! I haven't mailed out our cards yet! I have bought the stamps though, so that is something.

Anxiety is at an all time high in December. I need to remember to use my happy lights. Hopefully it can help keep away the anxiety and S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder).

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Sometimes I Feel Like A Terrible Mom

All in all we had a great weekend. Really we did.

We played some games, went to the Rainforest Cafe, made some recycled crayons, played some mario party 6. We had a great time.

Sunday night. 6:00 PM. I am done. I am so mentally exhausted that I just feel like tearing out my brain. Physically I am fine. I got more than enough sleep, but mentally I feel like I was hit by a train. But somehow I have to keep going.

He was a good boy all weekend, considering he is five. So it wasn't perfect, but who could expect that. He was good. Still bedtime could not get here soon enough.

I love him so much. But sometimes bedtime is my favorite time. And these are the times that I feel like a terrible mom. When all I can think about is "When will he ever let me alone."

I know this is normal but it doesn't assuage the guilt.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Most Grateful

Here is my obligatory post about what I am grateful for.

I am grateful for my friends and family's support. They are great. They support me no matter if it is a hard day at work or if i am trying to apply to grad school. My friends and family are my best cheerleaders. They believe in me when I do not. They trust in me when I do not. They know I can do it when I do not.

Even my five year old has more faith in me that I do in myself most of the time. He loves me unconditionally even when I don't like myself very much.

My boyfriend is so good with compliments. It may be hard for me to take a compliment, but I am forever grateful that he gives them.

I may not have many friends, but the ones I do have are dear. I appreciate every one of them, even if I do not tell them enough.

My family has always been there with me. Through everything I've been through, my family has been my rock. Always there to lean on.

I am grateful to these people in my life. I should tell them more often.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Monday, November 19, 2012

Eden Fantasys

You know I love Halloween and you probably noticed that it is over. Here in Salem, costumes are worn year-round. You don't need a holiday for an excuse to dress up.

Eden Fantasys has costumes that you are going to want to wear year-round. Inside. It would get awfully chilly outside in these outfits. Right now select outfits are 25% off! Check out the school girl:
School girl bustier - Bustier

I think it is wicked cute. I bet your partner would too ;)

Of course they have more than just costumes. Sex toys, candles, lingerie, and more. I've already shared some of my favorite things. Some of my favorite things are couple's toys. I think this is a great way for couples to come together. It is fun to go online and shop together. There are a lot of video reviews of the products and I like watching them together. It gets discussions started about what each other likes and would like to try.

Eden Fantasys is a great site to buy from. Everyone is super nice and everything is discreet. The packaging is non-descript and the billing is the same. Shopping online is nice because you don't have to awkwardly enter a store full of people and try to have private conversations out of earshot of others. Like I said, there are videos that you can watch that you would not get in a store.

Oh, and use the coupon code: SEXYTHANKS for 20% off sitewide. 

Have fun!

I will receive a gift card for my honest opinions.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Hats and A Kid!

Remember I told you about the hats I've been making? Here are a few of them:

And here is my kid being cute. Excuse the shitty video my phone takes:

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Winter Knitting

It is cold outside again, so that means knitting!

I have finished a few hats already. Sorry no pictures. I'm a slacker. Maybe later. And I am working on another one for my sister's brother in law.

My phone takes shitty pictures, but there is my most current hat. It is a much nicer color than it looks. I work on it on the train mostly. I should have it done by Thanksgiving, or at least that is my goal.

I just started working on mittens for myself, too. They are brown alpaca wool. They are going to be the best mittens ever. Hopefully they are done before Spring ;)

Mama’s Losin’ It

Wednesday, November 7, 2012


Have you been to Influenster? They have just launched a new site and it is way easier to navigate.

When you log in, the first page is your profile. Here it is easy to see your Influenster score, your badges, and your fun file, which lists your current VoxBoxes. Do you know about these things? If you qualify, they send you a box full of goodies. All that is mandatory is that you check the box into the website, then fill out a survey at the end sharing how you felt about each product. There are other fun things to do, mostly sharing your favorite products on your social networking sites. And the great thing about it is that you only are asked to share products that you truly like. None of this trying to say something nice about a product you are not crazy about.

Back to the website. Once you click on you current VoxBox, it is easy to see what tasks you can do and it clearly shows you what you have completed by putting a big check next to the task.

What I am not crazy about is the product reviews and information. I feel like if you click on your VoxBox under your fun file, you should have a link to the product information from there. It just makes sense to me. Instead you have to click the heading "Reviews" and then the VoxBox that the product came in. It is by no means difficult, but a little counter-intuitive to me.

That is all, if you want to join you just need to go to to request an invite.

I was not paid in any way for this review. Only the promise of a neato badge that goes on my profile. All opinions are my own.


Tell us about a time something happened or something was said that gave you the chills.

I get the chills a lot. I feel like a lot of things speak to me. I watch a lot of animated shorts that I find on Boing Boing and they are usually so amazing that they give me chills. Same thing with videos of people proposing. Shit. The chills and tears. For every. single. one.

But what gives me the chills daily is my boyfriend's touch. Every morning he rubs my back as I am trying to get up and it makes me just want to sit there all day. It is truly amazing. His hands are big and strong and, apparently, magical. His hands are full of warmth and love. They remind me of a nice warm blanket on a cold day. They make everything okay.


Mama’s Losin’ It

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Boots No7 Beautiful Skin Review

When I first received my complimentary VoxBox from Influenster, I was a little unsure about the contents. I'm not really into makeup or hair cream, but the Boots No7 Beautiful Skin tubes caught my attention.

Boots No7  Beautiful Skin Cleansing Lotion Normal/Dry
Beautiful Skin - the newest and easy to use two-step range of everyday skincare cleansers and moisturizers, tailored to your specific skin type eliminating the need for toners. Products are color-coded, making it easy to find just the right products for your skin type: Normal/Oily (Pink), Normal/Dry (Green) and Dry/Very Dry (Lilac)

I received a day and a night cream. I put the day one on in the morning and then wash it off. The night cream I put on just before bed and leave it on throughout the night. It has made my face noticeably brighter. My face is definitely less dry than before and a little patch of excema that I had has gone away. It's nothing short of a miracle.

My boyfriend LOVES the smell. He commented once that my face smelled delicious. I have to admit that worried me a little bit :)

I think the price of $8.49 is reasonable on such a great cream. You can buy it on their website. Let me know how you like it!

I received this complimentary in my VoxBox, but all of the opinions are my own.

Friday, November 2, 2012


I was at an indoor bouncy castle place once with Ryder. I was just hanging out, waiting for him when a couple of kids started fighting. It soon became physical when two boys started shoving a girl. I was shocked. I was even more shocked because someone should have been helping. Someone should break it up, but everyone was just standing around gawking. Then I realized that I was someone. I was someone who could tell these boys to stop. So I did. I jumped in and stopped it. I realized the importance of acting that day. If everyone just stood around saying that someone should do that, then nothing would ever get done. Someone needs to just do it and I try to be a someone who does.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Halloween, Again

Halloween is almost here and we already have a bowl full of candy! Salem is great. It is unique in it's Halloween celebrations. The Salem Witch Trials were here like 300 years ago. They hung and crushed to death 20 people in the span of only about a year. For a while it was embarrassing for the town but now it is embraced. Not the killing bit, but the witch bit. I feel like they missed the point somewhere, but who am I to break up the fun?

Back to the candy: Ryder got a ton during the Grand Parade at the beginning of the month. Then the following day he went trick or treating at the businesses on Essex Street.

Here he is as Foofarine (Wolverine to those not well versed in Kindergartener.)

It was a good time! This Sunday we will be getting candy at Salem State University. They have lots of free activities for the kids. It was fun last year so I am hoping for nothing less.

The Effing Ferris Wheel! This year they have turned it so it is no longer facing my house and I've got to admit that I miss it. It is also a different ferris wheel this year. Much more colorful. So maybe I shouldn't call it the Effing Ferris Wheel any more. I still will.

Finally the anticlimactic end to the month is, of course, Halloween. It is next Wednesday, in case you weren't aware. I am leaving work a little early because the roads around my house close and I would like to get home. I have some people coming over, which is fun in my little apartment. Then we will all go trick or treating. This year we will have a baby with us, I hope she dresses up too! Then, after we steal some of the candy from the kids (a tax, if you will) we will walk around downtown with the thousands of other people. We'll see great costumes and hopefully take some great photos for you!

Mama’s Losin’ It

Halloween is coming! Show us what your kids will be wearing.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

World Mental Health Day: Depression A Global Crisis

Today is World Mental Health Day with a focus on depression.

If you have been around here for any amount of time you know that I suffer from depression. I have been depressed for my entire life. I don't remember a time before it. It has gotten really bad before when I have hurt myself or had thoughts of suicide. Fortunately, I am much more stable now with my daily medications, biweekly therapy sessions, and my loving, supportive family. I worry about my son because he is two to three times more likely to develop it because I have it. It is not something I should worry about, though, because I cannot change his genetics. I can just try and support him in any way possible.

World Federation for Mental Health (WFMH) has some great information on both World Mental Health Day and depression. People all over the world and in every culture suffer from depression. It is estimated to affect 350 million people, but fewer than 25% have access to treatment. Ethiopia, for instance, has only 26 psychiatrists for its 80 million people. Some countries only have a single psychiatrist. We need to expand education and awareness to people worldwide. We also need to make treatment available to all.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Adding SheaMoisture Baby Bar Soap To My Soap Collection

Shea Moisture Raw Shea Butter Baby Soap - $4.99

Who even knew that I would like soap so much? A new found love? A new item to collect? SheaMoisture Baby Bar Soap is definitely a new addition. I love the smell of the all natural ingredients! 

As in my previous soap review, I was a little skeptical when I opened the box. I don't, generally, use bar soap, but I thought I would give it a go. The dark brown color of the soap also made me hesitant, but once I opened it, I smelled the wonderful scent. I wish I could describe it to you, but honestly, I am no good at that. 

I have very dry, sensitive skin. I am also susceptible to eczema. This soap is "formulated with a special blend of unrefined, "raw" shea butter, argan oil, chamomile extract, frankincense and myrrh" which helps soothe eczema and keeps your skin moisturized

I haven't gotten Ryder to try it yet partly because of its color and partly because he is fond of his liquid soap. I just have to get him to smell it and I am sure he will want to smell pretty too! 

You can pick up this and a bunch of other SheaMoisture products at your local Target. At $4.99 a bar, it is a little pricey, but considering it is all organic, it is not that bad.

Disclaimer: I recieved this product complementary through the Naturals VoxBox program through Influenster. All opinions are my own.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Sometimes I Feel Like A Lousy Person

I know I am not a bad mom, not a bad girlfriend, not a bad pet owner, but sometimes I have a hard time remembering that.

Take this morning, for instance. I did not want to get the boy up for school. Or ready. Or walk him to the bus stop. And I did not want to go out with the dog. I guess, now that I write them out, they are all reasonable things not to want to do, but this morning I felt lousy. Like I was letting them all down. Like I didn't want to honor any of my responsibilities.

Last night, I did not want to work out. At all. I just wanted to knit. That's all I've really been wanting to do lately, but there is never time. By the time there is time, I am too tired. And then I get depressed and then I feel even more tired.

Sometimes I feel like a lousy person. I just want to sit. And do nothing. And when I do that sometimes I feel better, but sometimes I feel worse. I feel lazy.

And now I feel like a lousy girlfriend because it is way easier to type "I feel" rather than say it.

Friday, September 21, 2012


So, good news: I didn't get depressed after my vacation was over! WOOT!

(I don't say WOOT.)

I took 2 weeks off where I did a whole lot of nothing. Didn't even find the energy to blog. But, then, I rarely do theseadays. I was supposed to go to Illinios to visit a friend, but that didn't work out. So, I stayed at home. Which actually works out because come to find out I need to buy a new car, so it is good that I saved the money.

Anyone want to buy a car that won't pass Mass emissions?


So, I am back to work. Back to the same shit, only I am a little more relaxed than before.

Ryder started kindergarten. I can't believe how big he is! He tells me that he is going to get so big that he will break his twin sized bed. That would be too much Ryder.

The buses are pretty stressful. The bus was full the first week or so, but they still put all the kids on. Thankfully they have a third (!) bus come and take the kids that wouldn't fit on the first two buses, which includes Ryder. Oh well, he gets his own seat.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Mad Me

I used to get mad. Like really mad.

In college I lived with my ex and two other men. They were very very dirty. They never cleaned up after themselves or did any chores around the apartment. It was way more than the occasional pizza box. There was cigarette ashes on the carpet, piles of trash, food left everywhere and, most annoyingly, always a sink completely full of dishes.

Always empty
I brought the dishes to the apartment. They were mine. So after the millionth time of the boys not washing any of the dishes, I decided that they would be for me only. I packed everything away but one setting for myself. They were not happy. It worked, though, for the most part. The sink was never full and I got my point across.

I got very angry one day, though. We had a Brita pitcher that never had water in it. Ideally, when you finished the water you would fill the top of the pitcher and put it back in the fridge so someone else could drink some delicious, cold, clean water. This was too foreign a concept and every. single. time. I went to drink some delicious, cold, clean water the pitcher was empty. One day I had had enough and I threw the pitcher across the room and it broke. Actually it shattered. I would never reach in to an empty pitcher again.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Tell us about something you broke.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Back To School

I feel like I'm the one going back to school, I am so anxious about it. Ryder is thrilled. He's been counting down the days.

I got a letter in the mail yesterday about what he needs to bring to school. Couldn't they have sent this letter a couple of weeks ago? At least it didn't come with a summer reading list. So now I have to go buy some things, including shoes, this weekend. Labor day weekend. The stores are going to be packed. I'm panicking just thinking about it.

And the bus. I found out what his bus schedule was going to be. He was originally supposed to be at a bus stop that is not near our house or daycare. I have no idea why they did that. But I got it worked out so that I put him on the bus in the morning by my house, then daycare will pick him up in the afternoon. The bus is early early so we need to start getting up much earlier.

I don't know how daycare fees work during the school year. I know that it is half price because it is half day, but what about vacations? Or weeks like next week when he only has school two days?

Oh, and I'm taking him out of school for days 2, 3, and 4 to go on a trip to Illinois. Hopefully that is not much of a problem. Well, even if it is, I've already bought the tickets.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Be Happy

Sometimes happiness is just out of reach for me. Sometimes it is a totally foreign concept. I have a couple of different ways to try to combat this depression. Mostly I just lay in bed, but sometimes I try.

When I separated from my ex the first time, I was living in Colorado. I only had a couple of friends there, but they were dear. One of my friends made me a bunch of signs to put around my apartment. Signs saying things like "You are beautiful" and "You are a great friend" and other affirmations. They helped a lot.

I don't put loads of signs up any more, but I do have a couple of things that friends have given me. They remind me that I am not alone. That people love me. That I am good enough.

Recently, I made a board on pinterest called Be Happy. Whenever I see something that makes me happy or a saying that helps, I pin it on that board. Yesterday I was feeling really down so I went over there and looked at it. It really helped. It really made me feel better.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


I have a best friend. Or rather, I used to have a best friend. We are no longer best friends, I don't think we even qualify as friends any more. Except on facebook. Goddamn facebook.

The last time I spoke to her, her then-boyfriend was an alcoholic and she didn't know what to do. I tried to help her, I tried to help her figure out her options. But then that was it. I didn't hear another word from her. Come to find out that she stayed with him. Had a child with him. Got engaged to him. And just this past weekend, married him.

This is not the only time this has happened to me. I had another extremely close friend that got beaten up badly by her husband. She then confessed to me that he has been beating her for years. She said she was afraid he was going to kill her. I offered her a place to stay. I tried to help. I tried to help her figure out her options. That was the last I heard from her.

Each of these women I have tried to contact. I have called and left messages with both. I have sent emails and facebook messages. The second woman is not on facebook, so I have no idea what happened. But the first is.

I was invited to her bachelorette's party. I was busy so I didn't go, but I felt awkward anyways since I didn't even know they were engaged, let alone getting married. I emailed her and told her that I was sorry I could not make the party, I had prior engagements, but I would love to grab lunch with her soon. I never heard a word back.

Just this morning I saw her wedding pictures. I did not click on them. Just scrolling through and seeing them made me sad. I miss her. I am sad that I was not invited to share this special time with her. It is all too much for 9 am.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Many Uses of Ivory

Did you know that there are tons of ways to use a bar of Ivory soap? I sure didn't. When I got one in the mail I immediately wondered how I would use it. I use body wash in the shower so that was not an option. So I looked online for ideas and I decided I would microwave it.

Yup. I microwaved soap. I was a little concerned that it would cause my microwave to blow up, but thankfully it did not. The bar of soap grew bigger and bigger until it erupted. We all had a good time watching it. This is the result:

I let it cool for a few minutes then I took it out so we could play with it.

It kinda felt like foam.

It stayed together very nicely and made a nice hat.

It also crumpled and made a pretty big mess. The cleanest mess ever! 

And when we were done, our hands smelt like Ivory soap. It was pretty awesome. We packed up the bits and pieces of the soap that we made a mess out of and Ryder dumped the whole bag into his bath. Like magic, it turned right back into usable soap and it was fun to squish it together!

But this isn't the only way to use the soap - for another craft project, it is great carving material. Oh, yeah, and you can use it to clean things like your body, face, or clothes.

I love the versatility of this soap. I also like that it is 99.44% pure and is dye-free (we all have sensitive skin around here). It is also a great value at around $4.49 for a ten pack of bath sized bars. So, who knew this would be one of my favorite products?

I received a complimentary bar from Ivory and Influenster as part of the Mom VoxBox campaign. All opinions are my own.

I Am

I Am

I am honest and trusting 
I wonder why I am so sad all the time 
I hear a dull roar 
I see a beautiful person 
I want to travel the world 
I am honest and trusting

I pretend to be calm 
I feel uncertain about time 
I touch a soft lining 
I worry about my son 
I cry when it feels hopeless 
I am honest and trusting

I understand plans change 
I say science will make it clear 
I dream about getting away 
I try to be optimistic 
I hope everything will work out 
I am honest and trusting

Mama’s Losin’ It

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Candy Whore?

I had some Reese's Pieces today. I know you are jealous. Why did I have a bag of them, I am sure you are wondering, why, let me tell you, Loyal Reader.

We were up in Concord, NH, for the evening and we needed a snack. The closest store was a Rite-Aid. Now, I don't think I've been in a Rite-Aid for over a decade, but it was there. We went in and, per usual, we examined every item in the store before settling on the items we looked at first. I spied a buy one get one free sale on the Reese's and I had to have two bags!

We went up to the cashier and she asked if I had one of these Wellness cards. I told her that I didn't but asked that she use the store card. Well, apparently, there is no store card. So, if I wanted my free bag of Reese's (of course I did) I would need to sign up for one of these dumb cards. So, I did. I gave her my phone number and she gave me a Wellness card. I tried to walk away without it, but she made sure I remembered to take it.

I promptly threw it away when I got home. What do I need with one of these cards for? I will never need it again. I hate how they trick you into giving them your phone number for a free bag of candy. Wow. Now I kinda feel like a candy whore.

In case you were wondering, I did not eat both bags at once. Despite how much I wanted to :)

Monday, July 2, 2012

Yummy Cookies

Influenster sent me a complementary Mom VoxBox. See:

The first thing we tried (of course) was the Quaker Soft Baked Cookie. Ryder was a little put off that it was a raisin cookie, he was probably assuming it would be chocolate chip, but like a good mother, I made him try it. "Mmmm! It's good!" Seems like the raisins were alright after all.

And a little side note: the one cookie had 170 calories, but it also had 4 grams of fiber. So one cookie should be enough for a snack. You know I usually have a couple of cookies, when I eat them, but this one was quite filling.

Friday, June 29, 2012

In Which Raine Announces the Time

I have an alarm set on my phone to remind me to take my meds in the afternoon. I don't want to advertise that I take anti-depressants so whenever the super annoying alarm goes off, I just announce to everybody that it is, in fact, 1:30. They rarely care.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

6 Of the Best Things About Being An Adult

1. Staying up late this one pretty much goes without saying.

2. Standing on furniture maybe not everyone stands on their coffee table but I reserve the right to.

3. Messing with small children I like to tell my kid once in a while that I am going to leave him with the dog. Then I let him stew on it for a while.

4. Beer I didn't even know what I was missing.

5. Eating as many cookies that I want Four was the magic number growing up. You could have four cookies. Now no one tells me I can only have four.

6. Sex Yup. The best thing about being an adult.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


I often wonder if people look at me and think that I am crazy.

I do not hide the fact that I take meds for depression and anxiety. I mean, I do not carry a sign or anything, I just don't deny it when asked.

I wonder if that makes people think I am crazy. Or just the opposite.

I wonder if people look at me and think "She's overweight." Or do I carry the extra poundage well?

I wonder if people think I am a good mom. People say I am, but would you tell someone if they weren't?

I wonder what people think about me. I do not obsess over it, but I do wonder.

Do you?

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Goals and Ambition

I have a problem at work. My problem is that I have no ambition. I have no goals. And, you know, I am actually quite content with everything. Not happy, but content.

My job is a stepping stone for grad school/med school/vet school. People work here for 1-2 years then go on their merry way to school. I have been here for 5-6 years already. I have no plans to leave.

Sure, I would love to find a new job, preferably in a far away city somewhere. But who knows? I don't know what kind of job I would be looking for anyways.

I was just listening to a Stuff You Should Know podcast on goals and whether they are good or bad. The consensus is that it depends on the person/situation. They touch on the fact that not everyone has goals. Some people are fine with their mediocre lives. (I assume they are mediocre because if they were really awesome, they probably achieved goals to get their awesome shit.)

I do kind of have a weight loss goal. I would like to lose 10 pounds as quickly as possible. I really don't know a better time frame than that. I don't really know what is reasonable. One month? Two? I guess I could google it, but honestly I don't care enough.

See what I mean?! No ambition. No motivation. This could all fall back, you know, on my depression. Why bother having goals that you cannot meet? What is the point?

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I'm Sensitive

Sometimes people say things that they don't mean. Sometimes those things are hurtful. Sometimes those things can not be forgotten.

Forgiveness comes easily to me. There are few things in my life that I have not been able to forgive. Forgetfulness is another thing that comes very naturally to me. This is why it is easy for me to forgive; because I usually forget what it was that I was angry about. I usually forget most things. I probably did too many drugs when I was younger. So it goes.

Sometimes the things that are said cannot be unheard. I wish they could be. I wish I didn't stay angry as long as I do, but there it is. These things happen. Sometimes it just takes a little bit longer to forgive and forget, I just need a little bit of time.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Couples Time

With all of this hype around erotica lately, I have been very surprised by one thing. Women do not use sex toys as much as I thought. It seems like a lot of people are in committed relationships and feel like they do not need toys. Sure, no one needs toys, but aren't they so much fun?

I do not think people realize that adult toys and accessories can bring two people closer. EdenFantasys, which is my go to site for these things, has tons of products that can and are meant to be shared.

For instance, they have sex kits. Some are collections of oils and lotions while others are more naughty. They also have things the aid in different positions, for example shower handles. Sometimes those showers can get tricky.

One of the really nice things about shopping online is that you can read and watch video reviews in the privacy of your own home. And this is another great activity for you to do together, If nothing else, it gets you talking about what each other likes and does not like.

And promo codes. We love promo codes :) Use code XOXO and save 20% on all orders!

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Dangers of Stigma

Awareness. I think awareness is the only way to diminish the stigma associated with mental illness. Stigma can be so detrimental. Some people do not get help because they know that some people will treat them differently if they knew. They might be afraid that their family would ostracize them. They might be worried that they will lose their job if people thought they were unstable. People with mental illness should not feel ashamed because they need help. They need supportive people in their lives to help them get treatment.

I am blogging today about mental illness because today is Mental Health Month Blog Party over at the American Psychological Association. Not that I don't blog about mental health all the time - I just have a good reason to today :)

As many of you know, I suffer from clinical depression, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. I take five pills a day to combat these. I am not ashamed of my illness or of the fact that I see a psychologist and a therapist. I will tell anyone who wants to know. It wasn't always like that, though. I did not get treatment until well into my college years. My family thought there was nothing wrong with me, so I would just be a cry baby if I went to a doctor for it. I was always worried that people would assume I was crazy, when I knew I wasn't. It was difficult for me, the same that it is for millions of Americans.

There are lots of consequences of not seeking treatment. Homelessness, incarceration, episodes of violence, and suicide are just some of the major consequences. Others include loss of time at work, difficulties with relationships, and worsening of the disease. We need to help fight stigma so that these people who suffer from mental illness can seek treatment without fear of being judged.

Mental Health Blog Party Badge

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Organizing Clutter

What are your best tips for keeping the clutter at bay with kids in the house? How do you help your kids develop good organizing skills?

I am not sure that I am a good person to answer this question. With too many people in a too small apartment, I feel like there is clutter everywhere. There is constantly a pile of papers and books that need to be gone through. I will do my best though :)

I help my child develop good organizing skills by demonstrating how I do it. I try to keep my clutter minimized and hopefully he will pick up on this as he gets older too. I keep my papers organized in folders in a file cabinet and I throw out anything that I do not need. I give away or donate things that I did not know I had and will not miss. I try to only keep a couple of papers a week that he brings home from school. I am sure that even this is more than necessary, but I think it is a good start. I recycle anything that can be.

I also have his room set up so that everything has a place. Every toy has a place with other toys that are similar. For example, all the play dough is in one basket, while Mr. Potato Head has a separate basket. He has too many toys for the size of his room, though. I have a really hard time deciding on which toys to give away. As he gets older I will involve him more in this process.

Need some advice or have some to give? Join the conversation over at Blogher. There is also a contest for an iPod and an iTunes gift certificate, all you need to do is leave a comment with your life well lived moment. The contest ends tomorrow, though, so hurry!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

F is for FAT

I used to be overweight. My doctors wanted me to lose 30 pounds. It seemed like an impossible feat. Luckily (?) I get nauseated when I get stressed. One summer I was totally stressed out and did not eat much of anything. I told everyone I was fasting. You know what? It totally worked. Lost a ton of weight - over my demanding 30 lbs.

I've been easily keeping at that weight since. Well, not easily, but it has been steady. And I like it. I feel much better about myself. Sure, I would like to lose a bit more weight (who doesn't?), but generally I am okay with it.

Well, I was.

In the past week or so I have been feeling very fat. I've been pretty sure for months now that I have gained some weight, but everyone around me insists that I haven't. I don't use a scale but once a month or so when I see my parents. So, I generally don't know if I've changed weight. When I weighed myself this weekend, the number was definitely higher than before. I know it is.

I've been exercising more than I was before. I walk almost 4 miles a day. To work and back. And before the weather was nice, I was doing Tae Bo. So what the fuck? My eating habits have not changed much. I probably eat out a bit more often, but I usually try to choose the healthier option.

My mind hates me. It is mean and cruel. It wants me to feel bad about myself. Positive thinking is nothing compared to the negativity. So, am I really gaining weight? Am I really fat? Is my mind just playing tricks on me? I don't know. I'm just going to step up the exercising and the healthy eating and hope that helps.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A More Comfortable Work Space

An invention you'd like to see created.

As I mentioned on Twitter yesterday, my desk at work is freezing. I always have a hoodie on, even in the summer. I keep one handy even on the warmest of days. And the winter? Forget about it. It's time to sit here with my jacket on. Today has been, thankfully, a little warmer - only a hoodie no jacket. But still chilly.

I would love to see heated office chairs. Why do cars get a monopoly on these things? My butt needs to be warm in other situations, as well. Such as at work. I would be more inclined to, well, sit at my desk? I guess it wouldn't effect my productivity, but I think it is still a necessity. Can someone get these started for me?

Mama’s Losin’ It

Monday, April 30, 2012


I took a vacation from work last week. I didn't go anywhere and Ryder still went to daycare. The first few days were difficult. I was very depressed and cried a lot. Therapy helped a lot, per usual. Therapy Thursdays are probably the reason that Fridays are so good.

It all started with a simple trip to the grocery store. I HATE the grocery store. I shop every other week and buy enough for two weeks so I can minimize the times I have to go. This time was particularly bad. I was buying something that I do not usually buy and couldn't find it. I was freaking out. Seriously. When I left I swore I would never go back. I went back on Thursday, though.

This triggered my depression. I didn't want to do anything. I went to visit a couple of friends and was in a bad mood. I tried to enjoy myself, but it didn't quite work as planned. This upset me even more. I love these people and love their company. What was wrong with me?

This past weekend, though, was wonderful. I went out with my Boyfriend. We dined at The Great Escape which was delicious! I got a tattoo from The Purple Scorpion - my first. We went to a dinner party and then saw Wrath of the Titans in IMAX 3D. Very cool. By Sunday I was really missing Ryder, he had vacationed at my parents house for a few nights. We met at the Red Hook Brewery for a late lunch/early dinner.

All in all, I think it was a good vacation. At least it ended on a good note.

Oh, and thank you so much for voting for my blog! I ended up 16th on the Circle of Moms Top 25 Single Moms! Thanks!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Penny's Day

List 7 things your pet thought about today. 

We are going to do something a little less serious today! Here is what Penny thought about today.

  2. Boy, it is going to be great walking down the street without my leash on. It's a good thing my Lady doesn't come outside with me.
  3. Shit. Busted. She came outside.
  4. Wait - where are  you going? Why can't I come?
  5. It is AWESOME being home by myself!
  7. I love you so so so much. Even if you are ignoring me right now.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Bullies and Bullying

I participate in a twitter chat every Tuesday night at 9 pm. It is about mental health and social media (#mhsm). Every week they have an interesting topic such as getting enough sleep, caring for your loved ones with mental illness and bullying. This week was bullying.

When I read the first question: "Have you or your child been the target of bullies? Bullied others?" I thought that  I wouldn't have anything to relate to. I was thinking about high school and elementary school and I wasn't really bullied. Teased, sure, but not bullied. And neither has Ryder. So, I just read on.

Then people started discussing being bullied outside of school. For instance, apparently there is a lot of bullying in nursing. Then I started thinking about outside of school, which I had not before. My ex-husband was very verbally abusive. I asked "Do you think verbal abuse is bullying?" I got a bunch of affirmatives. @AspieSide said "yes I think verbal abuse is bullying. Words hurt and lower a person's self worth."  This blew my mind a little bit.

I never thought I could relate to being bullied when I lived years and years with a bully. He used to call me names, tell me I am worthless and lazy, make me feel like I deserved everything he did. He was, thankfully, never physically abusive, so I really did not think that I was being abused. Now I see that I was. It took years, but I can see that now.

Honestly, and we are being honest here, I sometimes wished he was physically abusive. Then I would have had a good reason to leave. I felt like the verbal abuse was not a good enough reason. Physical abuse is something tangible. Something that leaves marks and scars. Something that I can point to and say "That is wrong."

After this small revelation, staying involved in the chat was difficult. It made me very sad. I was sad for all the people being bullied, all the bullies, and me. Why can't we just treat everyone else with respect?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Life Well Lived: Getting Organized

How do you organize paperwork both online and off? Share your tip(s) to managing physical and digital clutter!

I get hard copies of everything - bills, receipts, etc. Then I neatly organize them. I have a wire basket for the most current things and things that need to be filed. In this basket one slot is for current bills, one is for bills I have already paid, one is for current receipts, one is for bank statements, etc. 

Once in a while, I take everything, except my current bills and file them in a filing cabinet. There are folders for everything. I try to keep things only as long as they are relevant (statements up to a year and so on) and then trash them, but I do not clean it out as often as I would like. This is probably more work than needs to be done since you can get copies of anything off of the internet, but with my history of applying for help all over the place, I have learned to keep the hard copies. It is easier to make copies that way. And I don't have a printer hooked up in the house.

I really do not get digital paperwork, but when I do, I make more little folders inside other little folders. I really love folders! I also love it when things are organized and easy to access.

Want to learn some great tips on getting your stuff organized or have some to share? Here is the main post. Come join in the conversation! And visit this post for a chance to win an iPod or an iTunes gift certificate. I already have!

Monday, April 9, 2012

It Is Nice Having a Man Around

My Boyfriend moved in with Ryder and I. And it has been going swimmily! It is great having him around all the time. Not only is he awesome, but he helps me open things, he washes dishes, he helps me with Ryder! Oh, and he helps me with rent - which really is awesome.

I love him. He is my best friend. It is great living with your best friend. I have someone to talk to most of the time, but because of work schedules, we still have some time for ourselves.

Ryder adores him. I think he is still trying to figure out that he really lives with us. He keeps telling me that he lives with us. My Bf is a good role model for Ryder - even though he didn't expect to be in such a role. Dating with a child is just so much different than dating without. Especially having the child full time. It is something I really didn't fully understand until now. But everyone around here is adjusting perfectly!

We both love him being around all the time. We both love him so much. I think the three of us will continue to be happy :)

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

My Abandonment

Book review time! Some people STILL read books...share one of your more recent reads and tell us what you thought!

I still read actual physical books. I know. I am old school ;) I recently read My Abandonment by Peter Rock.

The book is about a young girl who lives with her father in a cave in a nature preserve. Everything is perfect until they are found out and the father is arrested. They end up moving to a farm where the father's slowly apparent mental illness worsens. I won't spoil the rest.

This book was wonderful. The narrator is the young girl and because of her age she is very unreliable. We only see things from her point of view, which is not necessarily the whole picture. Her voice is so strong, though, that you can really picture everything that is happening. The story becomes harder and harder to put down. I strongly recommend it.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Sometimes I Wish I Wasn't a Mom

Just a small pause, really. Just a small moment where I am not a mom. I just need a minute to breathe and a minute to myself. A minute where I can go somewhere, anywhere, I wanted without having to listen to the Muppet Show for the billionth time.

We went to a grey wolf preserve this past weekend. It was great - the wolves were so cool. It was a lecture type of presentation and the information was fascinating. I could not pay attention, though. I was playing a word find with Ryder to keep him quiet. Had he started yelling and upset the wolves, I would have been mortified. So embarrassed. So I kept him quiet. And he did stay quiet - for a full 30 minutes. I was proud of him, yet after that 30 minutes, we had to get up and leave. He could not stay still any longer and he did NOT want to be there anymore.

I am not angry at Ryder in the slightest and my Boyfriend is great with helping me, but I wasn't able to enjoy the presentation because I was busy being a mom. Even if my Boyfriend had taken him, I would not be able to concentrate knowing they were not enjoying the wolves. I just need to pretend I am not a mom, once in a while.

I love being a mom, most of the time. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I just need a little timeout. Everyone tells me to take some time for myself, but it is so hard. I never stop thinking about Ryder, no matter where we are, no matter what we are doing. Basically, I am always a mom and there is no getting around that fact.

But if I just had a small moment...

Monday, April 2, 2012

Another Toy to Help You Relax

Do you like a high powered tingly toy? How about something small and inexpensive?

FingO mini massager - Finger massager

This small sex toy is made of silicone and is super easy to wash. You put your finger through the  strap on the left and it turns your finger into a high powered vibrator. You can take the blue tingly part off and just use the bullet inside.

I expected more out of this toy. I expected that the nubs would vibrate more than they do. It is also a little awkward when you put it on your finger because the strap is low. I think it would work better if the strap was a bit higher. I actually prefer to use the bullet without the blue cover. It is quite strong by itself. It is a fun product to use by yourself or with your partner. Though, I think it is way more fun with my partner. 

Eden Fantasys is a great company to buy sex toys from. Ordering is super easy and the packaging is discreet. Also on the package and on your bill is the name Web Merchants Inc. to increase your privacy.

I think this toy would be great for people who prefer smaller toys. It would be a great toy to start your collection because it is so inexpensive.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Disclosurer: I received this product free for the purpose of reviewing it. All the opinions are my own and not influenced in any way.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Top 25 Single Mom Blogs

My blog has been nominated to the Circle of Moms Top 25 Single Mom Blogs!! I just need your help. Once a day until April 18th you can vote for me! Just click the link. Thanks a bunch!! You guys rock!

Circle of Moms Top 25 Single Moms - 2012 .

Oh God Easter

Ugh. Easter used to be my favorite holiday. It was a calm and low stress holiday. Now it stresses me out.

I am not a religious person (duh) so I am not inclined to celebrate such a religious holiday. Sorry, I just don't believe in zombies. (Whoa, that was uncalled for.)

Anyways, like Christmas, it is no longer just about that, it is commercialized. So do I celebrate this nonsense, like Christmas, or can I just not? Is my kid missing out on a whole lot of fun if I do not hide eggs?

On one hand it is just some eggs but on the other it is the principle. But is it just some eggs? Once I decide to hide eggs, I have to buy candy to put in them. Then I ought to just buy a decent amount of candy. Then I ought to just go ahead and buy him an Easter basket. Then am I teaching him that it is okay to celebrate something just because everyone else is? Even if it is against your beliefs? Am I taking this all too seriously? Should I just hide the damn eggs?

Wait, if I do not let him miss out on finding eggs, don't we have to color eggs? If I am going to do it, I should probably do it right. But it comes down to this: I do not want to. I don't want anything to do with Easter. I would probably do away with Christmas if I could.

Maybe he is too young to even care.

Parenting is hard.

UPDATE: I am going to hide eggs and get some candy. It will be fun :)

Monday, March 26, 2012

Hard Day

It has been a hard day.

There seems to be more of these lately.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


This week's Life Well Lived question:

How do you teach the children in your life happiness? Please share your best tools and tips in the comments below.

I try to teach Ryder happiness by trying to be happy myself. When he does something good or makes something I am sure to shower him with compliments and encouragement. He picks up on that and says how happy he is.

I teach Ryder that if he does something, like getting dressed on his own, it will make me happy. So he learns what makes other people happy. At the same time I try to learn what makes him happy and identify it as such. 

Happiness is difficult for me because I am so unhappy a lot. Since my Boyfriend moved in, there has been a whole lot more happiness in our house :D

Here is a link to the main post - come and join the conversation! Oh, and don't forget to enter their sweepstakes. 

Saturday, March 3, 2012

And Now Some Relaxation...

I am not that shy about sex. I do not mind talking about it. I have been to my share of sex toy parties. This is why when Eden Fantasys approached me to talk about their website and products I was excited.
Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store The people at Eden Fantasys are wicked nice. They have great products - for everyone. I have the FingO mini massager and the Ben's G-Spot Smoothie. I did a review on the latter. I like them both. The massager is tickley while the smoothie hits just the right spot.

If sex toys are not your thing, they have a collection of beauty and body products (click on that link if you want to bypass the sex stuff.) They have bath and body, massage, makeup, skincare, fragrance and pheromones products. Honestly, I have not been through those sections because I am more interested in the funner stuff ;)

Eden Fantasys is a great place to buy products from. Ordering is easy and the packaging is discreet. These products are great to use as a couple. It enhances intamacy and brings you closer together. And guys love a good surprise! I really recommend Eden Fantasys and their adult toys.

I am receiving a gift certificate for this honest post.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Railroad Tracks from Hell

I am afraid of the platforms at the train station. I've been riding trains for a good portion of my life - you'd think I would be used to them by now.

I am terrified that I or someone else will fall onto them. Most platforms (all?) have a space under them that you can duck into if the train is coming, but that is no comfort to me. I still picture myself falling onto the tracks and cracking my skull open and dying.

We were at the subway station one day when Ryder was much younger and he was running around the platform. He was not listening to me so I ran over and grabbed him. There was a seeing eye dog that started growling at me. All the people were looking at me, but I didn't care. My kid was not getting hit by a train. Even if that lab attacked me.

Friday, February 24, 2012

It Happened

So, it happened. Ryder asked (sorta) about his dad. I knew the day would come, but I thought I would have longer to prepare.

We were in the middle of a crowded Christmas Tree Shop when he said "I don't have a dad."

"Well," I tried to explain, "you do have a dad you just don't know him."

"Is [your boyfriend] my dad?"

"No, he is not."

"Is he your dad?"

"No, honey, he is not a dad. He has no children."

"I want to go to Chuck E Cheese," wrapping the conversation up.

So, I know that this is only the first of many conversations like this. Hopefully they don't happen in the middle of a crowded store again. I could feel the eyes burning my flesh.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Depression and Twitter

One of the things with anxiety and depression is that they are invisible diseases. I know I walk around assuming I am the only one panicky or sullen. I feel like I am the only one around that has to pause and take some pills to help me feel centered. To help me feel normal.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 10 adults report depression. That seems like a lot. I am picturing all of the people I take the train with every morning and 10% of them suffer from depression. Who knew?

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has a slightly smaller number. Major depression is a serious medical illness affecting 15 million American adults, or approximately 5-8 percent of the adult population in a given year. They also say 2% - 5% of Americans have panic disorder. Again, who knew?!

Now that I know I am not alone, there are some great places to meet others with the same feelings and problems. I really like Twitter for this. Facebook is too personal. I really don't want my uncle on my mother's side knowing my daily depression issues. I like Twitter better. I participate in a chat (#mhsm) every Tuesday night at 9:00 pm EST that talks about Mental Health and Social Media. You can follow @MHSMchat to stay in the loop about that. I also like searching #depression. Sometimes it is just stupid kids who are sooo depressed that there are no more Twilight movies, but a lot of the people on there have similar issues as I do. 

A few great resources are @NAMIMass, @unsuicide,  @natasha_tracy, and @bandback2gether. These help me and I hope they help you too. 

I know this post is full of links, but just try a couple first and if you like them, try the others. No rush, my Loyal Readers. 

And if you find any great resources that I haven't named, please leave them in the comments! I love looking for more support and knowing there are others like me.