I feel worthless. I want everything to change. I want to set fire to my apartment and start over. I want to stop hating myself. I would really like to stop falling into these fucking black holes. I don't know what to do about them. After all this time, you would think that I would know how to deal with them when they come, but I don't. I just want to lay in bed all day. Doing nothing. Instead, I am here, at work, doing a shit ton of stuff. Makes me cry.
It's just so hard. So hard to care.
"Black Dog" was Churchill's name for his depression, and as is true with all metaphors, it speaks volumes. The nickname implies both familiarity and an attempt at mastery, because while that dog may sink his fangs into one's person every now and then, he's still, after all, only a dog, and he can be cajoled sometimes and locked up other times.