Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Raine in "The Return of the Black Dog"

I pretty much hate everything right now. Including this blog. What did I really think I was going to accomplish by starting and maintaining some dumb blog? I don't even have a computer at home, so I can't even write when I want to. I have to wait until I have 5 minutes of downtime at work. Which has shrunk down to 2 minutes already.

I feel worthless. I want everything to change. I want to set fire to my apartment and start over. I want to stop hating myself. I would really like to stop falling into these fucking black holes. I don't know what to do about them. After all this time, you would think that I would know how to deal with them when they come, but I don't. I just want to lay in bed all day. Doing nothing. Instead, I am here, at work, doing a shit ton of stuff. Makes me cry.

It's just so hard. So hard to care.

"Black Dog" was Churchill's name for his depression, and as is true with all metaphors, it speaks volumes. The nickname implies both familiarity and an attempt at mastery, because while that dog may sink his fangs into one's person every now and then, he's still, after all, only a dog, and he can be cajoled sometimes and locked up other times.


  1. What kind of phone do you have? I know they have Blogger apps for iPhones and Droids.

    Also, you can setup your blog so that you can email posts and have them either sit in draft or post automatically. I've used that feature several times when on vacation. You can even email pictures to post.

  2. I understand a part of this. On the positive side, at least you want to start over. That means you haven't given up and that you are still in the game. You still have hope. That's a good thing. Peace.

  3. To say that the Black Dog returns implies that the Black Dog will leave. Ride the wave, scream (literally) at the walls and know that the next day will bring new things.

    You can overcome, wanting to start over is a positive move, start small...doodle on the bedroom walls with Ryder if you have to. It's nothing a can of white paint can't fix.

    Find happiness in the small things.

  4. So right there with you right now. For months, years even, I thought I had everything under control. I'm not necessarily surprised by the Black Dog's return, but I am thrown nonetheless.


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