Friday, December 27, 2013

Merry Christmas and All That

Merry Christmas! a little late, but whatever.

Anyways, you should check out Eli's 6 Word Christmas Spectacular - I might have made that name up for him just now... AND I might have contributed to his post (#19!). Go check it out - What's your favorite?

Friday, December 13, 2013

You Don't Know Me

Look, here's the thing. You don't know me. You don't know my story. You don't know what I've gone through, what I am going through, what I will have to go through. I don't presume to know any of these things about you either.

Don't tell me how to live my life.

I know that sounds very 16 year oldish of me, but it is true. I know what is possible and what isn't. I know you are just trying to help or something, trying to impart some wisdom on me, but really, maybe those 16 year olds are onto something. I'm an adult, I make my own decisions and I don't apologize to anyone for them. You don't know my desires, needs, motivations for doing these things. And you still think you know what is best for me?

No. A real friend tries to help out with some suggestions. Tries to help you problem solve a little. A real friend understands when it is too much for you to handle. A real friend doesn't judge you for that. A real friend stands by you and supports you even if she doesn't support your decisions. A real friend doesn't say "I told you so", even if she did.

I'm tired of people thinking they know what is best for me and presume to know what I am capable of. Yeah, for somethings I have excuses, but you know what? They are valid. You might understand that if you knew me, but you don't. And the way you are headed, really, I don't think you will be getting to know me. Ain't nobody got time for dat.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Stave Off the Depression a Bit

I have found that my depression is better when I have something to look forward to. It doesn't necessarily have to be much, really it hardly ever is, but it has to be something. Right now, for instance, I am looking forward to my boyfriend coming over tonight. Just dinner and wine and maybe a movie, but I am really looking forward to it and today hasn't been so bad. Christmas isn't really something I look forward to, because it is so stressful, but it is really nice being around my family. New Years is something that I know a lot of people look forward to. Usually I just sit at home watching my phone click over to the new year, but this year I have people to spend it with (well, I guess I did last year, but it was still at my house, without TV.)

In January, we are taking a little vacation. I can't tell you where, though, the secret might get out ;)

I'm not sure what I am going to look forward to after that, but I really have to keep on top of this. Things get pretty hopeless really fast when I do not have anything. It feels like the days will just keep going on and going on and going on just the same, same, same. I think it is important to know this about my depression. Every little bit helps, you know?

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Birthdays and Loved Ones

Last Sunday was my birthday. Ryder asked me what I was planning on doing for my birthday. When did he become old enough to worry about plans? I told him that I wasn't sure, so he asked me the next day, too.

First thing he usually does when he wakes up is run into my room and ask if he can play video games. I usually say yes and he goes running off. Sunday, though, he said "Happy birthday!" This touched me immensely. He wasn't just thinking about himself and how he wanted to play video games. He was thinking of how it was my birthday. I know he is a kind and thoughtful child, but I was still thrown back a little.

He really made my birthday special. I wonder if he understands how much that means to me. I can not believe how quickly he is growing. Just last year, I would have had to remind him 30 times that it was my birthday. Now he wishes me a happy birthday before I even open my eyes.

I've never enjoyed my birthday. Well, that's probably not true, ever since I've been an adult my birthday has kind of sucked. One year, for instance, I was in court trying to get a restraining order. That put a damper on the celebrations.

This year was different. Not only did Ryder make it special, but my boyfriend did too. We went over to his house where there was dinner and cake then came back to my house to watch the movie he got me. All simple things, but really it was lovely. Now I'm starting to look forward to more.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Guest Post

Hi all! I am guest posting over at Coach Daddy's place today! Take a look and join in the conversation :)


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

You Know You Are A Mom When...

  • Someone asks you to write something for their blog and you write about urine. Twice.
  • You grab the throw blanket, see something that looks like dried jelly, and use the blanket anyways. You can clean it later.
  • You talk about your kid then get weirded out when someone uses his name.
  • Chicken nuggets and instant potatoes sound like a well-rounded meal.
  • You think PG-13 might be a little much for your 6 year old, but seriously, you'd get at least 2 hours to yourself. Have fun kid!
  • You are proud of a poorly painted Luigi.
  • You understand everything that your kid says, even when no one else does.
  • You think in rhyme because of the Dr. Seuss you read all the time.

Mama’s Losin’ It
P.S. Come like my facebook page!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Having a Hard Time

I am having a hard time. My depression and anxiety are at a high right now. I couldn't keep my shit together at work yesterday and had to leave early. I do not like doing that. And I worried everyone in the lab. They got me a ride home because they didn't even want me going on the train. I am very appreciative of everything everyone has done, but sometimes it makes it worse.

"What's wrong?"

Seriously, that question sets me off. I want to just sit back and list all of the things that are wrong. And I could, but instead I say "nothing. I am fine." Which causes emotions to almost back up. Like there is this dam that I put up, but it is a leaky dam because people know something is wrong. They can tell some emotion is there and about to burst. I can't let it, though. Especially at work. That is totally inappropriate.

Yesterday the dam broke. I had a full on panic attack right here. In front of everyone.

Today I am doing a better job with my dam, but it is a little leaky. I've had one motivational speech already today. "Be happy." I seriously laughed out loud when I was told this. The funniest thing I've heard in a while, really. Be happy. If only.

Thursday, October 24, 2013


I should probably start this with a **TRIGGER WARNING** I talk about depression, anxiety, murder. Maybe no one should read this.

This time of year gets difficult for me. The holidays stress me out. The darkness depresses me. The coldness makes me want to retreat to my bed.

I've been worrying A LOT about things that haven't happened and, most likely, never will happen. But, god, life is so fucking fragile. One moment everything is fine and the next moment... Well, who knows? It really upsets me when I think of all the things that could go wrong at any moment. The smallest incident could have disastrous results.

If the car pulled a little too much to the left...

If someone nudged me on the train platform...

If someone broke into my apartment...

If the pharmacy mislabeled my drugs...

If one of us just stopped breathing...

There is nothing I can do about these things. Shit happens. But that's what worries me: shit does happen. All the time. Everything is going along just fine then some 14 year old kills you with a box cutter. Just like that. Just. Like. That. People always say that things don't always happen to someone else. That is a myth you tell yourself. Maybe it is the only way to go on. Because worrying that these things will happen to me is killing me. How do you get out of bed every day if you think "Shit. All of these awful things might happen to me today." You don't.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


I still have all three rings: my engagement ring, wedding band, and his wedding band.

He got mad at one point and took his ring off, put it on top of the tv, then left the apartment. Thankyouverymuch! Sure, I'll take your ring. No problem.

I thought maybe someday Ryder would want the rings. Now I wonder why he would ever want them? Some symbols of a love that was thrown away? Why do I want them?

I should do something productive with them. See how much they are worth. Maybe get some cash, maybe some new jewelry. I don't know.

I think of them very infrequently. I think of him very infrequently. Sometimes I come upon something that I was saving just in case Ryder wanted it. Yeah, right. I just couldn't bring myself to dispose of it. That happens less and less nowadays. I come upon something, think what the fuck do I still have this for? Then I throw it away. It is better this way.

I need to go down into my basement and start throwing things away. And giving things away. Not just things from my failed marriage, but from when Ryder was a baby. Seriously, I do not need that stuff. Someone else can use it. There is a ton of stuff my ex-boyfriend left in my basement too. Something needs to be done with that stuff too. I told him I would keep it for him for a while, and I will, I just need to put it in a corner or something.

But the rings are still in my bedroom. Still safe and sound. Still in a kind of limbo. Now I am going to forget about them for another little while. Deal with it another day.

Mama’s Losin’ It
P.S. Come like my facebook page!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Mental Health and Work

I am very honest and open when it comes to my medications and my therapist. I do not share anything with anyone that I do not trust, but I do not shy away from saying that I have therapy Thursday nights. At work, I generally do not talk about myself but to a select few. My dad always taught me to keep work and home separate and not to assume a coworker is a friend. I have been lenient on this, I think, by making some real friends at work. Where else am I going to meet people?

Anyways, sometimes my dad is more right than I like to admit. Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut more often.

My coworker and I have been very open with each other and she knows that I take medications and go to therapy. This is all fine. She made an off-handed comment, though, that I should try to come up with better ways to cope with stress. Now, I suppose that any friend or acquaintance could have said this and the fact that it was at work is, perhaps, inconsequential, but it did happen at work and that cannot be ignored. There is something about it. I think it is because you cannot just leave the situation like you could if you were at a party or something. When she made the comment, I just became kind of silent and she asked something about what my therapist thought of it and when I was silent again, I think she recognized her mistake. I quietly said everything was fine and the subject was dropped.

I know she is only trying to help, but it was not helpful. It was uncomfortable at best. I can't help but feel like this all happened because of my openness. If, perhaps, I was less open I would not have had this conversation where I now know I am being somewhat judged. I will certainly be more cautious next time.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

It Happened at Daycare

It finally happened.

And it happened at daycare.

Someone made fun of Ryder for not having a dad.

Poor kid. And I am pretty sure that the other kid doesn't see his dad, either.

So Ryder asked me the other day where his dad was. I told him that I didn't know. He asked if he had told me and I explained that I hadn't spoken to him in a long time. I asked if he had any other questions, but he said that he didn't.

He didn't tell me about the kid at daycare, but he told my parents.

I hope he feels comfortable enough to ask me any more questions, if he has any. And hopefully if he doesn't feel comfortable with me, maybe he'll feel comfortable enough to ask my parents.

Have you had to field any of these questions?

Mama’s Losin’ It

P.S. Come like my facebook page!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Boy Scout Dilemma

My son came home with a flyer for the boy scouts. He was very excited and couldn't wait to show me. He said "I am really excited for this, Mama." How can you say no to that? I haven't been thrilled with the boy scouts, but how do I explain that they do not like gay people or atheists to a six year old? I certainly do not want my son discriminating or being discriminated against.

What do I do?

Also, he has told me that they only do boy things at boy scouts. I tried explaining that girls can do anything boys can do and vise versa. We ended up agreeing to disagreeing with him asking that we don't talk about it any more. I certainly do not want some organization reaffirming that boys cannot do girl things.

What do I do?

I'm going to look around and see if there are any other clubs he can join, maybe at the boys and girls club or 4H? Do they have 4H anymore? I'll have to look into it.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Suicide Awareness Day

USC’s MSW Programs Blog Day.

So, here is my thought on the matter: suicidal thoughts and talks should be taken seriously. So many people ignore them because the person is just "looking for attention" or are being "dramatic". You know what? Maybe they are looking for attention and they need to be dramatic for someone to hear them and help them. I know what it is like to hear someone say that they want to kill themselves all the time. I know that it gets old, but you know what? It is probably not just "getting old" to them. Hunter S. Thompson talked about killing himself all the time. Guess what? He did. I bet people around him stopped taking him seriously.

I am not blaming anyone. I am not looking to point the finger at anyone. I just want you to know that I will take you seriously. You are not alone. Loads of people, myself included, have had suicidal thoughts. And no, most of the time they come to nothing. Good.  But sometimes they do. And because of that, I think we need to take people more seriously and people need to know where to get help.

The number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1 (800) 273-TALK (8255).

There are online resources. I am a personal fan of Twitter for mental health issues. There are so many groups out there that you can tweet to and someone will respond.

There are other options. There are people who know what you are going through. You are alive and for that I am grateful.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Does taking a lot of medications mean that I am crazy?

I know that the answer is no, but sometimes it is easy to forget that. Especially when I go to the pharmacy and the pharmacy technician practically whispers my total because it is so much money. This happens every time. I understand prescriptions cost a lot of money, but when they whisper, it feels like something that I should be ashamed of. They probably just don't want to tell the world that I spend a lot on meds, they are probably just trying to be polite, but it makes me feel crazy. I know that no one else knows that the total is made up of only prescriptions prescribed by my psychologist, but I know. And the pharmacy technician knows. And so, I feel crazy.

Has this ever happened to you?

Thursday, August 22, 2013

The 2013 Back To School Social Party

Greetings fellow party-goers! Welcome to my blog.

For those of you who do not know, VoiceBoks is hosting a social networking party. There are going to be some great speakers and prizes! If you are interested, use coupon code twentyFive for 25% off of Tier 2 or Tier 3 passes.

A little about me and my blog. My name is Raine and I have a six year old son named Ryder. We live in Salem, MA, and, man, is it a good time! I am a single mom and I suffer from depression and panic disorder. I am more of a listener than a talker, mostly introverted, and a pessimist. I am also a great mom, down-to-earth, and, on occasion, funny.

This space here was originally all about being a single mom. I do still talk about the difficulties of single parenting, but recently I've been talking more and more about mental health. I like to think of my blog as somewhere I, and hopefully others, can connect with people in similar situations. A place where you can go to know that you are not alone. A place where, at some point, we can attain peace together.

Friday, August 9, 2013

How To Afford Your Summer Vacation

Today I have my first guest post ever! Shaye from Simply Shaye has some great ideas for us single moms to help the finances a bit.

As any single mom knows, summers stay busier than ever. I work 40 hours a week, or sometimes 45 if I need to fill in for someone. The kids are growing up, but they're bored and it's a hot summer. We absolutely cannot wait to go on vacation! Yes, that's right! Last summer, I shrugged and asked "How can I afford to take us on vacation? My salary is already stretched six ways to Sunday!" Then, I found some reliable ways to make money at home.

For all the other single moms out there, you CAN go on vacation this summer! Use the talents you have, whether it's hobbies like photography or crafting or writing: the money adds up, whether you're a stay-at-home mother or in the workforce like me. And don't forget to save money. It's not always how much you earn...Check out these 4 unique ways to supplement your summer bankroll:

Dog Boarding
No, this does not seem like work to me, and you will love this! Offer your services to a loving pet owner. Taking a pet to the kennel can be traumatic. Find a quite room or space for someone else's dog or cat to stay in your home. This is a win-win for everyone. You get to play with the puppy, the puppy has fun (and gets frequent walks if necessary on a leash) and the owner has a stress-free vacation.

If you like to write, check out oDesk for writing assignments that add money to your vacation account every week. You decide how much freelance work you'd like. You stay at home, at your comfy desk or kitchen table. If your kid is like mine, this option works out very well. You make money for vacation and it doesn’t really feel like work.

Take a Hike, Give Up the Gym
Ah, the ties that binds. My gym and I were together for more than 10 years, but when I added up all the days I couldn't get there--because I work, have a child, and like to make extra money--spending $50 per month did not make sense. Now, I have a new pair of running shoes and I’ll workout from home!

Drink Tap Water
Okay, that's harsh. But think about how much you spend on bottled water! We spent more than enough on bottled water. Every Tuesday morning, we collected the water bottles for recycling. There's so much waste associated with bottled water. Your municipal water authority makes sure the water is potable--but if you're worried, call them or buy a water filtration device for the kitchen tap. We use Brita, and our water tastes great. Check out now!

Now, you see? Make a few savings adjustments can make you a little extra money. The thousands of dollars you save pays for a nice vacation. You and your children deserve it!

Shaye is a single mom that has a passion for family, budgeting, healthy living, fitness, and travel. She loves finding new ways to cook healthier and stay fit, all while doing it on a budget. She has a beautiful son and one eccentric dog, but wouldn’t have it any other way.. Follow her blog at!  

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


I am a blusher. Bad. Even the smallest thing makes me blush. It is quite embarrassing sometimes. It is nowhere as bad as it was when I was younger, but I still blush. Sometimes it is just the completely wrong situation for blushing. I can't help it though.

I loved math class. Not because of the math, no, that sucked. Because John was in math class. John was a year older than us, but in our advanced math class. I'm still not sure how that worked out, but who am I to complain? He was a soccer player and a track athlete and I really liked him.

Because it was an advanced math class, it was the same students in the same level of math every year, so every year, for three glorious years, John was in my math class. One year, I sat next to him and was his math partner, whatever that meant.

So, because of this huge crush, I knew that every time I went into math class I was blushing. I could feel it. I went into the bathroom one day and my face was super red. I almost refused to go back to class. But I couldn't leave my math partner to derive on his own.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

How Sour Milk Almost Ruined My Day

It started out with the sour milk. Actually, if I am going to be honest it started before that. I woke up freezing then upon seeing my blanket I immediately curled up under it, just to fall back asleep. And sleep 15 minutes too long. I got up, did the normal things, poured my cereal then tasted the sourness. I dumped the milk then started a mad rush to get ready so I would have time to grab a bagel from the bagel place before work.

Then the boy took too long. Then I hit red lights. Then there was a detour. Then there was the on-going construction and closed parking lot. Then there was no parking signs where everyone parks so everyone parked by where I like to park my car instead. So there was no parking in the lot. So I had to park a million miles away. Then I had to run to the train.

Sure, even if the milk was good, I would've still hit the detour and still would have had to park a million miles away, but what else can I blame? A mystical diety? Fate?

The bagel was delicious, so in the end it was all worth it anyways.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Super Mom

Some fun facts about single moms:

There is no denying the fact that parenting is a tough job and being a single parent is even tougher. Take single moms for example who overcome all kinds of challenges to make a living for their kids. These women don’t know the meaning of the word quit and are always striving hard for their families. Our single mother infographic reveals that there are over 10.3 million single mothers and even though 50% of these women make less than $25,000 a year they still manage to make sure that their children are well provided for. These super women do it all … from cooking breakfasts and dinners to doing house chores, not to mention working in full-time jobs at the same time. Life of a single mother is not easy but these classy women certainly make it look effortless! via

I don't know why these infographics never seem to be the right size.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013


Reading: Using Statistical Methods in Social Science Research and, yes, it is as exciting as it sounds. I haven't read for fun in 7 months and I do not think I will be again for a very long time. School takes up so much time and energy. I feel like I am always doing school work. This course is the hardest and only 5 more weeks of it.

Listening to: I love the new Ben Folds song You Don't Know Me. I made it my ringtone :)

Thinking about: My mom. She had an "inoperable" tumor removed last week. I am so happy. Hopefully this can be a new beginning for her.

Watching: Desperate Housewives season 8. I love that show. There are others that I would like to try, Walking Dead being one of them, but I have to finish Desperate Housewives first. I just gotta.

Bummed out on: The world. Seriously, seems like nothing good is happening in the world. Death, destruction, keeping people down, stereotypes, natural disasters. For a while I stopped reading the news because it got me down so badly. Maybe I should stop reading it again for a while. That won't stop it, though. There is facebook and twitter. It is just depressing, is all.

Loving: Summer. This summer has been great so far. Went camping, met new people, hung out with my family, saw some friends that I don't see often enough, have gotten a lot of time with Ryder, my mom's surgery... Life is pretty good. (Then why am I so down all the time?)

Mama’s Losin’ It

"Currently". A simple list of things you're currently feeling as seen at Sometimes Sweet.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Cup Song

So, on my computer it looks sounds like the sound is not lined up with the video. It may be that I am just way too good for my camera. Or my camera sucks. What do you think? Show me a video of you doing this. Please?? Don't let me and the thousands of other people on YouTube be the only ones :)


Lately I've felt like maybe I need to be censoring myself a little more.

Maybe I shouldn't be writing so much about mental illness.

I started thinking this way when I googled myself and saw how ridiculously easy it is to find this blog.

Like real easy.

So, I stopped blogging, though I've been decreasing in number of posts anyways, but for the first time I thought about taking some down.

Then I thought about it.


I blog about mental health so that people are not afraid to talk about their mental health issues.

So that we can reduce or eliminate the stigma attached.

I am honest, and that is my thing.

I don't need to apologize to anyone, especially myself, about that.

I will not censor myself, even if it is really really easy to find this blog.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

So. Very. Excited.

I am going camping this weekend and I am super excited! I love camping. Especially when both of my sisters are there. And when we will be letterboxing all weekend!

I know loads of people do not understand camping, but there is something about sleeping and essentially living outside that I love. And beer. I like drinking outside. It just makes it taste better.

And fire. Beer and fire. ;)

Sunday, June 30, 2013



I should probably put trigger warning on my tagline.

So, here I am feeling so lonely. So I have returned to you, my blog, my Loyal Readers. If there are any Loyal Readers left.

My best friend is gone. I knew he would leave, but I didn't realize his leaving would be so totally and utterly complete. By that I mean, of course, I didn't think he would de-friend me. Fucking lame, but that's where we are today. De-friending meaning so much more than just one less friend on some stupid social networking site.

I had the worst date ever last night. Worst. Date. Ever. Too embarrassing to even share with you guys. Maybe later when the wound isn't so fresh. But I don't really care too too much, because I wasn't crazy about him anyways. I am really interested in this other guy that is pretty much unavailable. Seriously, why?

Anyways, Trent Reznor came to my head today and this song kinda does it for me right now. I am not so depressed that this song speaks to me, but, you know, it has its purposes. Sometimes a trigger is just what I need to feel good. Just the trigger. Today, just the trigger.

Sorry for the fucking Baby Einstein version - I'm not in the mood to find a better video. Turn up the sound and shut the monitor off.

Thursday, June 6, 2013


I am late. Well, I will be very shortly. I cannot handle being late. I wish I could accurately describe the feeling to you. It's like "OhNoOhNoOhNoOhNo" my heart is racing. I can't calm down. I try to close my eyes but I physically can't. I'm not exaggerating. Like they pop right back open. It's my therapy appointment. If there is one person in the world who would not be upset it's my therapist, yet here I am, freaking out.

My family is always late. Again, not exaggerating. Sometimes hours late. I cannot stand it. I can't be late.

It's okay if they make me wait. That is fine. I'm very patient, but if I make someone wait a minute I freak out. I'mSoSorryI'mSoSorry!

I have ativan with me, but alas, no water and I can't chance it getting stuck in my throat like it does. As if that can be worse than how I feel, but it would be both feelings at once and I DEFINITELY can't handle that.

I didn't even cause this lateness. The bus was held up by traffic. Then I missed my train and now I'm on a slightly later one. I'll be late in 33 minutes. 33 minutes.

Until then I'm going to sit here and feel like the world is ending.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Paid Maternity Leave

Wouldn't that be great? I saved up my earned time (sick, holiday, vacation time all mixed in one) by working weekends and holidays for my entire pregnancy so I could spend as much time as possible with my baby. I worked right up until my due date, then sat at home for over a week until my baby decided to come. I'm pretty sure that I remember that my son's father only took one additional day, including the two he already got a week, so three days total. I was able to be on maternity leave for 7 weeks. I also tried saving up money so that I could stay longer, but that was used (probably) for drugs. Still a little angry about that. My point is that I was lucky. I have a good job with a good (large) company and I was able to work hard throughout my pregnancy to be able to spend some time with my baby before I was completely broke. Not every parent can do that. We need to change this policy so that our country is more in line with other countries that do provide paid maternity leave.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Divorce Sucks

I wrote this email to a fellow who is currently going through a divorce. I read his story through a listserve email.

It gets better. Seriously. Even though you probably don't believe me, it really does.

I've been through a divorce and although it was a different situation, as situations usually are, it was still one of the worse things that has happened to me. Ever. It was Horrible. My ex had been using drugs and neglected my son while I was at work and I found this all out from a social worker who came to my house to tell me it was the ex or my son. I made the only decision that I felt was an option, my son. 

I grieved for my lost husband. I felt as if the person I loved had died, or, more likely, that person never existed to begin with. People told me it got better. They told me that I would love again, but I did not believe them.

But it does and you do. It'll get better for you. You will fall in love again and although it won't be the same kind of love, who knows, maybe it will be better. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know it is hard. I know that it fucking sucks. I hope that my email, along with all the others you will receive,  helps a little bit. We've experienced them, too, and lived to tell about it.

Keep your head up,

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Reasons My Six Year Old Son Is Crying

  • I told him to turn off the video games after I let him play for an extra 30 minutes.
  • I told him that I made him a delicious dinner.
  • I said no to Dunkin Donuts.
  • I said no to Bagel World.
  • I said no to McDonald's.
  • I told him that he had to go to school.
  • I told him that I can not stay home from work.
  • I told him to go outside and get "some damn vitamin D!"
  • I told him to play with his toys.
  • I told him to brush his teeth.
  • I used the hand dryer.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Totally Awkward Tuesday: Lyrics

I just happen to remember to tell you this story on a Tuesday, so Totally Awkward Tuesday it is! (Remember Tova?)

When I was a kid I loved Jesus Christ Superstar and anything Andrew Lloyd Webber. Okay, I still do. I love my "Sweeney Todd" Pandora station. They play a ton of JCS and other great showtunes. Anyways, I had a tape of the Best of Andrew Lloyd Webber. It had such greats as Memory, Don't Cry For Me, Argentina, All I Ask of You, and I Don't Know How to Love Him from the famed Jesus Christ Superstar. Great songs. I listened to them all the time. I especially liked listening to them while I washed the dishes.

One night I was washing the dishes and singing my heart out when I Don't Know How to Love Him came on. I started singing my heart out. My dad came in just as I was uttering the lyrics:

He's a man. He's just a man. 
And I've had so many men before, 
In very many ways, 
He's just one more.

Yup. Great for a young teenager to be singing in front of her dad. He exclaimed "I hope not!" And I was embarrassed. It was truly awkward. Thanks Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Boston: One Week Later

The past week have been very intense. I am so glad it is over and they caught the guy - especially before he hurt more people. As you probably know, the city was on lockdown Friday. Lockdown. The. Whole. City. I've never seen anything like it. At first, even though we were miles and miles away from the shelter-in-place section, I was still terrified to leave our house. Eventually we did leave and got lunch. The hospital that I work for sent out a message to my phone saying "Code Disaster." For reals. What is scarier than a disaster??

I am on the HAZMAT team here at the hospital. Basically, if there is a dirty bomb or something and there are a bunch of people who need to be decontaminated before they go into the hospital, then we go in, set up a tent and help people wash themselves (or we wash them for the non-ambulatory patients.) It is a deceptively simple task, and super important. The drills are always a good time. BUT Friday I realized that there is a real possibility that we could be called out. People's lives could be at stake. Real people and real violence can occur. It was scary and humbling. We were not called out Friday, there was no need, but we did get a phone message that said "The HAZMAT team has not be activated." I swear to you the pause between the "has" and the "not" was enormous. My heart sank as I heard "has". It was scary. And the relief when I heard the "not" was enormous, too.

I feel safer today. But in a way I feel less safe than a week ago. Just over 7 days ago I felt like things happened to other people in other cities, but not here. Not Boston. But now I feel a little less naive. There is a risk and it is everywhere. This is not going to help my mild agoraphobia.

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door."  -  J.R.R. TolkienThe Lord of the Rings

Thursday, April 18, 2013

I Stole It

I used to work for a large bookstore. This bookstore had a cafe attached to it. Every day I noticed that people sat down at the cafe and did their school work. When they were done they would just sweep everything back into their backpack. What if they had a store book in that pile? Would anyone notice?

I decided that no, people would not notice. And since I worked there I knew the only books that had security tags on them were books on computers or those with CDs. So I went over to the health section and found a book on yoga. I was going to try it out. I went back to the cafe, opened my backpack, took all my school work out, sat and did some homework, then, when I was ready, I swept all of the books into my backpack and left. Mission Accomplished.

I got home with my newly acquired book and I was excited to read it. I opened it and, basically, the first page said that you should live an honest life, which included specifically, no stealing. Damn. I had failed at yoga before I even started.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Monday, April 15, 2013


It doesn't seem real. It seemed all too real earlier when I was in the city. But now, why are people praying for Boston? People don't need to pray for Boston. Bad things don't happen in Boston. We are not New York City, or Denver, or Oklahoma City, or even Newtown. Bad things do not happen in Boston. And certainly not when I am down there. Not when I have loved ones at or near the marathon. Children do not die from bomb blasts in Boston. We are not Afghanistan or Israel. It just doesn't make any sense.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Favorite Quotes

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
-Denis Leary

"The thing about quotes on the internet is that you cannot confirm their validity." 
-Abraham Lincoln

“We can't stop here, this is bat country!” 
― Hunter S. ThompsonFear and Loathing in Las Vegas

“Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there--on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.” 
― Carl SaganPale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return."
-"Nature Boy" (1948)

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”

― Dr. SeussI Can Read With My Eyes Shut!

Mama’s Losin’ It

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Hey! Look at Me!

Someone nominated me for the VoiceBoks' 2013 Top Mom Blog! I don't know who but this is what was written: "She’s a single mom who sometimes suffers from depression, but through it all, she does her best for her little one. See how she copes with it all!" So nice! I'm honored. And I'd be super honored if you voted for me! Just click on the button, then "like" the page. Thank you for your support!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

More of What I Am Doing Right

Thankfully Jaime over at James and Jax likes to remind us that we are doing things right. It is so hard some days, it seems like I can do nothing right, but I am. I am doing a lot of right things. I just have to take the time to remember them.

1. I set up a real live playdate for Ryder! I'll meet his friend and his friend's mom.

2. I make lunch for Ryder every day. Okay, not fridays but they have pizza at school and how could I deny him of that?

3. I am making an effort towards Easter this year. I pretty much ignored it last year. I'm not religious so it means nothing to me, but that's not fair for Ryder who just wants to find some eggs. So we're going to dye some eggs friday, since there is no school or daycare for Good Friday.

4. I am doing a great job keeping up with my school work. I had my doubts when I started, but it is so interesting I've been finding time for it.

Friday, March 22, 2013

I Hate Sallie Mae

First off, who doesn't hate Sallie Mae? Seriously.

Yes, I cosigned for a loan for my then husband for him to go to school. No, he didn't even finish a single semester (or month, if I think about it). Yes, I was an idiot. I admit it. Seven years later and I am still trying to skirt these bastards.

(Okay. So I know it is my fault, ultimately. They did not make me sign the loan. I did it on my own free will and I haven't paid them in five years. But who cares? This is not the point.)

Here is the thing. First of all, I do not have the money to pay them. I certainly do not have $9,000 whatever to settle. So, even if I did want to pay them, I can't.

Secondly, and most importantly, get that scumbag that took out the loan in the first place to pay the damn bill. And while you are talking to him, tell him to pay some child support, too. Thanks.

They are much better, now that they've settled that enormous lawsuit claiming that they called people like constantly for years. I can attest to that. I would sometimes get 3-4 calls from them a day. No kidding. So at least they've cut that down a bit.

Anyways, they keep threatening to take me to court. Do it. Seriously. Even if I am forced to pay, it won't be for years. Maybe I'll hit the jackpot before then. Who knows?

Thursday, March 21, 2013

National Single Parent Day

Who knew? Why isn't this being broadcast all over the place? Well, I can probably think of a few reasons ie. the stigma of being a single parent being one.

But that is not what we are here to talk about today! It is the joys of single parenting!

The first and most obvious is that you don't have to collaborate with anyone about anything. He wants to stay up until 9? He wants to go to karate class? I want him to eat all of his dinner? I get to make all of the choices myself. No second opinion or unanimous decision needed.

The second is you get the child all to yourself. Only one parent can go? No problem. He wants to go out? Well, it will be me that he wants to go with. I don't really share very well.

So this can be a little tiring sometimes, having to do everything yourself, but there are people around to help. My parents are great at taking him whenever I need them to and my bf helps with whatever he can. The hardest part is accepting help. Letting go a little bit is hard when you've tried so hard to keep him close.

The third is that you're child will grow up seeing a strong independent woman. I'm not saying that the child will automatically think that woman are not strong if they live in a two parent household, but I know that my child will appreciate the hard work that women do.

So, despite all the complaining that I do about being a single parent, there is a lot of joy in it. It is hard, but rewarding.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Bad Day

I am having a bad day. You are probably sick of reading about my bad days. That's okay. Here's another.

Work blows. I am going to school so that I can leave the science field, but I feel like it is so far away. It is not really, I have less than 2 years until I start my field placement. I don't know how I'm going to pull that off with work. So, yeah.

School has been my motivator lately, but now I think it is a source of discontent. It reminds me that there are other professions out there and I do not have to be a research tech forever. And that kinda makes me kinda sad. Not because I'll miss science, but because I can't leave fast enough.

I've been trying to use my happy lights more often lately. We haven't had a lot of sun and it is really bumming me out. I've also been trying out lately. It is interesting and sometimes fun. I don't know if I am getting happier, but I am trying! If you want to try it out, let me know and I'll send you an invite. It has some good activities that I think I ought to do more often. Like meditating. I should meditate more often to relax myself. It is so hard to find time for myself, though. <--poor excuse.="" p="">
And I am mean to myself and neither happy lights or happify can help that. I need to stop, or at least slow down a bit. It is hard when I tell myself that I deserve bad things to happen but not good things.

I'm just having a bad day. I'll get over. Hopefully.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Neighborhood Character

I live in a predominately Spanish neighborhood. We've got bodegas on the corners and places that you can get cheap international phone cards. Mostly, I like my neighborhood. It gets a little loud (okay, very loud) in the summer time, but it gives the place character.

There is an older gentleman in my neighborhood that is in a wheel chair. He is always in the road. Not on the side of the road, but in the road. Sometimes he is courteous and is at least in the crosswalk in the road, but not always. How this man does not get hit by a car is a mystery.

I see this man daily when it is warmer out. I try not to hit him. One day I was walking past him and he asked for some change. I don't give out my change (judge me if you will) so I told him I didn't have any. He then said something to me in Spanish. I don't know Spanish, but I can be certain it wasn't something nice. Honestly, I wanted to say something like "Hey pal, I live in the same neighborhood as you! Just because I am white does not mean that I am rich." But I didn't. Which is probably for the best because there is no need to justify, propagate, or assume someone is stereotyping you.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Course Number 1 - Done!

I just checked my final grades for my first Grad school course and I got 99%! Unbelievable. I truly thought that I would not be able to return to school - especially with a young one around - but here I am! I did very well on my papers that I was convinced were no good. I need to trust myself more. I need to believe in myself more. I'm excited for course number 2 starting tomorrow!

Monday, March 4, 2013


They practiced a lockdown at my son's school last week. A lockdown. In kindergarten! It is so important and I am so glad that the school will be prepared God-forbid something happens, but it scares the fuck out of me! Seriously. Thinking about my little guy stuck in the bathroom with 18 of his closest friends playing hide and seek scares me so much. I go a little crazy thinking about it. Makes me want to take him and hide him under the covers with me forever. Because my bed is the safest place I can think of.

He took it in stride. "We had to go into the girl's room because there was a stranger in the building," he told me. That's it. Just a stranger in the building. I'm glad he is not as frightened of me. I'm glad he doesn't know really why they are in the girl's bathroom and I would rather not think about it.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Go Away!

"Stop looking at me like that!"

He is always looking at me. Sometimes he stands really close and whimpers. I don't know what he is trying to say or what he wants. He just stares at me.

"Stop looking at me with those big blue eyes!"

He is always watching me. And listening to me. He is very attentive, though he rarely shows it. I have to be careful of what I do and say around him. Who knows where he will repeat what I say.

"Go play!"

Even at therapy. We will be talking then out of nowhere a little voice will chime in with his opinion. I worry about him repeating what I say in therapy, but he doesn't. At some point, though I am afraid that I'll stop being able to bring him. Then what will I do?

"Come over here and give me a kiss!"

Mama’s Losin’ It

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Top 25 Single Mom Blogs

I have been nominated for the Circle of Moms' Top 25 Single Mom Blogs 2013!

Last year I won a spot in the top 25 and would love to do it again :)

Thank you so much!!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Life is Hard

Things have been very hard around here. I've been really depressed. Thankfully I'm seeing my therapist every week now. At least for now.

I've been crying and sleeping. Even at work. I don't know how I will get through it all. I know that I will, but I don't know how.

I'm too depressed to even blog.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Living With Depression II

After reading your comments, I think we all have come to a consensus that living with someone with a mental illness is difficult. It affects everyone around. It can be hard to watch and triggering. That must be very difficult to have someone else trigger your personal struggles day after day. How can you avoid that?

And there is a comment that touched on the fact that depression is an invisible disease. Everything looks fine on the outside, but on the inside you are struggling. I would agree with this. Most days I feel horrible, but people don't know that. I look fine.

My boyfriend and I just broke up and one of the reasons is living with mental illnesses. It is too difficult for both of us. But God knows we tried.

Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Living With Depression

I talk a lot about living with depression, but I never say anything about living with someone who suffers from depression. I was wondering what your thoughts are. Maybe you live with someone or maybe you know someone who lives with someone. Any thoughts are welcome ones. I can't imagine it is easy. Actually I bet it is really difficult. Maybe I'll summarize my findings later.

Thanks everyone.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

What I am Reading

What are you reading?

Great question! I started my Master's of Social Work program. This is the third week and it is a ton of work! There is a ton of reading. So right now, I've been reading Unequal Lives: Health and Socioeconomic Inequalities and a bunch of articles and websites. For the most part, everything has been really interesting. I am learning about how health is a human right and how inequalities among different social groups cause inequalities in health. 

This is a very exciting new challenge for me!

Mama’s Losin’ It

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A Good Day

It is a good day, so far.

I had a meeting with my son's teachers to discuss his IEP (individualized education plan) and his continuing need for special education. Currently he goes to occupational therapy, physical therapy and speech therapy. Found out today that after 2.5 years, he will be graduating from OT and PT! I'm so proud of him! He has come such a long way. He will still continue with speech for a while. We will see if he needs summer school a little later in the year.

Because I had the meeting at the school, I had time to get breakfast with my wonderful boyfriend! We got bagels for breakfast and an extra couple for lunch too. And orange juice. Delicious delicious orange juice.

After the meeting I went over to the train station and wouldn't you know, the train arrived at the same time I did! What timing. It was a good thing too, because it is pretty chilly out there.

That is it so far. I can't wait to get out of work and go home. That'll be the cherry on top.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

What I Am Doing Right

Jaime over at James & Jax is accentuating the positive! She has listed things that she excels at and is inviting everyone to join her.

I always linger on the things that I am bad at. Then I add things to that list things that I am good at. Then I just add more things and more things until I am convinced that I suck at life. So, I am going to join Jaime in listing things that I am good at.

  1. My job. I've been doing research for about 7 years now and you know what? I'm damn good at it.
  2. Being a mom. Okay, so 95% of the time I think I'm a terrible mom, but in all honesty, I am good at it. I'm a good mom with a great kid.
  3. Helping people. I enjoy helping people, especially those that I love.
  4. Following a recipe. I wouldn't say cooking, because I think that implies doing something creative, but I can follow a recipe.
Phew! Okay, that is enough for one day. I am going to try to linger on these things instead of the usual. Maybe I'll start liking myself better.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Not Much of a Post

As you might have figured out, I suck at blogging. At least lately. I didn't ask you about your holiday shopping, I didn't wish you a Merry Christmas, or a Happy New Year. Sorry, loyal readers, I meant to. I swear. Actually, that's not true. I gave you all a Christmas card! It was just a touch late.

Loads of stuff has been happening around here. I start a Master's program next week. I'm going for a Master's in social work. It's a big change from science and I am excited for it.

The holidays were good around here. Ryder got his marble run, I got my Coleman grill. I can't wait to go camping now!

I'm sick. My boyfriend is sick. My son was sick. It sucks. Being sick sucks.