It is truly amazing what an effect medication has on my life and how much different it is without it. I was feeling terrible, so I started my Abilify up again and the sadness melted away. Now I am out of the meds and into the darkness. I am currently unemployed and my doctor doesn't take Mass Health, so here I am. I'm going to try to call him. I have to be able to work something out to get what I need.
Who knew though? A tiny blue pill could be the difference between not caring and caring. Between light and dark. If this doesn't convince me that it is a physical problem, not some psychosomatic thing, I don't know what can. I always wonder if it is all in my head. And I guess it is, but it is a physical problem in my brain.
I usually don't consider myself "sick." I consider myself "crazy." There is a world of difference there. I forget that depression is a legit illness, like the flu or cancer or something, and it can be fatal. The depression does that, though. Convinces me that it is my fault. I am broken in some way. How can I expect other people to treat depression as an illness if I do not even believe it myself?
It is hard and the depression makes everything in the world way harder than normal. I want to share this great post I read: 10 Ways to Show Love to Someone with Depression. I think this is a great article for significant others and caregivers, but I also think it is a great article for the person who is depressed as well. In a way, you are your own caregiver as well. In a way, I think it is actually harder for you to love yourself while depressed than it is for someone else to love you. They always love you. I know that I do not love me. I need to work on that. Bring myself outside. Encourage myself to care for myself. Challenge my own destructive thoughts. Remind myself why I should love myself.
This is so hard.