Pursuit of Peace

Depression and Twitter

2012-02-10T15:18:00.001-05:00

One of the things with anxiety and depression is that they are invisible diseases. I know I walk around assuming I am the only one panicky or sullen. I feel like I am the only one around that has to pause and take some pills to help me feel centered. To help me feel normal.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 10 adults report depression. That seems like a lot. I am picturing all of the people I take the train with every morning and 10% of them suffer from depression. Who knew?

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has a slightly smaller number. Major depression is a serious medical illness affecting 15 million American adults, or approximately 5-8 percent of the adult population in a given year. They also say 2% - 5% of Americans have panic disorder. Again, who knew?!

Now that I know I am not alone, there are some great places to meet others with the same feelings and problems. I really like Twitter for this. Facebook is too personal. I really don't want my uncle on my mother's side knowing my daily depression issues. I like Twitter better. I participate in a chat (#mhsm) every Tuesday night at 9:00 pm EST that talks about Mental Health and Social Media. You can follow @MHSMchat to stay in the loop about that. I also like searching #depression. Sometimes it is just stupid kids who are sooo depressed that there are no more Twilight movies, but a lot of the people on there have similar issues as I do.

A few great resources are @NAMIMass, @unsuicide, @natasha_tracy, and @bandback2gether. These help me and I hope they help you too.

I know this post is full of links, but just try a couple first and if you like them, try the others. No rush, my Loyal Readers.

And if you find any great resources that I haven't named, please leave them in the comments! I love looking for more support and knowing there are others like me.

Raine in "The Return of the Black Dog"

2012-02-01T11:06:00.000-05:00

I pretty much hate everything right now. Including this blog. What did I really think I was going to accomplish by starting and maintaining some dumb blog? I don't even have a computer at home, so I can't even write when I want to. I have to wait until I have 5 minutes of downtime at work. Which has shrunk down to 2 minutes already.

I feel worthless. I want everything to change. I want to set fire to my apartment and start over. I want to stop hating myself. I would really like to stop falling into these fucking black holes. I don't know what to do about them. After all this time, you would think that I would know how to deal with them when they come, but I don't. I just want to lay in bed all day. Doing nothing. Instead, I am here, at work, doing a shit ton of stuff. Makes me cry.

It's just so hard. So hard to care.

"Black Dog" was Churchill's name for his depression, and as is true with all metaphors, it speaks volumes. The nickname implies both familiarity and an attempt at mastery, because while that dog may sink his fangs into one's person every now and then, he's still, after all, only a dog, and he can be cajoled sometimes and locked up other times.

via

Stay Or Go?

2012-01-26T02:30:00.000-05:00

Return to work after baby was born or stay home? How did you make your decision?

I feel like I didn't have a decision, like it was made for me. Who are these people who get to stay at home? Not single mothers, that's for sure. But even when I was with my ex we couldn't have survived without my salary. I only stayed out 7 weeks because that is all I could get paid for. Hopefully next time (next time??) I will have more time saved up. I would have loved to stay at home with the babe, but I just could not afford it.

A Fine Day

2012-01-25T12:41:00.001-05:00

I went snowboarding last week. It was a weekday, so there weren't a ton of people.

The day was beautiful. The snow was wonderful.

I might have fallen a few times.

Massachusetts has never looked so beautiful to me.

Look how wide those trails are. So much snow ready to be carved.

See that lake? That is where the water comes from when they make the snow. Fun fact.

I did not go with those people. They have no idea that I have a picture of them.

Or that it is now on the internet.

I went by myself which was actually really nice. I could go at my own pace. I could go on whatever slopes I wanted to go on. I met a few people and left when I felt like it.

I can't wait to go again.

Economic Hardship

2012-01-17T19:00:00.001-05:00

It is really hard to qualify for any kind of economic hardship. I'm having a hard time paying my student loans so I was interested in deferring them for a bit. But they insist I make enough money to pay them. They don't know how much I pay in rent and that I am in an expensive housing area. They don't know how much I pay to daycare. They don't know how much money I spend just getting to work every day. And they don't ask. Luckily, I was able to forbear my loans for a few months. Hopefully I will be able to pay them then.

In Which Raine Fucks Up

2012-01-04T15:38:00.000-05:00

I am sad. Again. It's been a rough couple of days here. I've been horribly busy at work then I get home and just want to lie in bed.

I feel horribly guilty because I lost (had stolen) all of the money I got from Christmas. I was supposed to put it in my vacation fund and now it is gone. Most of it was from my parents and I feel like I squandered their hard earned money. Of course I didn't really, I just irresponsibly left my purse with my coat at a New Year's party. I feel like I fucked up.

At work, I work inside a hood, it's kinda like a cabinet. Usually I sit down in front of it. Yesterday, I had to stand and I kept hitting my head on the top of it. Over and over. I got really angry and punched it. Of course that did not help, it just caused my hand to hurt a bit. Thankfully there was no one to witness my adolescent behavior.

I just want to stay home and sleep, but I am too busy to do that. Maybe I will anyways.

Tell us about something you punched.

If You Bring a Preschooler to the Rockettes

2011-12-30T09:28:00.000-05:00

If you bring a preschooler to the Rockettes he will get bored waiting for the show. He will ask you for your phone so he can play Angry Birds. He will bore of Angry Birds and play Teeter. Teeter will be too hard for him so he will ask your boyfriend for help. Your boyfriend won't want to help, but he will.

The preschooler will decide that your lap is much nicer than his seat and sit on it. Then he will decide that your boyfriends lap is even better than both. He will look up at the show and want to dance. He will want to dance in the aisle because where you are sitting is too small of an area. You will not let him dance in the aisle because it is too far away. He will see Santa on stage and he will awe. He will hear Santa start talking about the Rockettes and turn his attention to something more exciting.

He will decide that he does not want his seat any more, but he wants yours. You will get up, move his booster and sit back down on the seat he has chosen for you. You will be trying to enjoy the show. He will decide that your lap is better than his seat and sit on it, again.

Near the end of the show, he will start crying that he wants to go home. You will try to calm him just for the last ten minutes, but it will not help. You get up and leave because he is inconsolable. You will enter the lobby and his crying will slow. By the time you get to the garage he is fit as a fiddle. He will buckle himself into the car and, odds are, when he gets bored, he will ask for your phone to play Angry Birds.

Two Kinds of People

2011-12-20T10:58:00.000-05:00

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think there are two kinds of people and those who don't.

Yes or No?

Maybe is an unacceptable answer recently with Ryder. He wants a yes or a no. Everything is black and white.

You are either a Good Boy or a Bad Boy.

It is interesting the way children develop. This must be some sort of milestone or marker or something.

You are either a Girl or a Boy or a Boy who is about to turn into a Girl. I don't understand that last bit.

You are either a Baby or a Big Boy or a Boy who is about to turn into a Baby. I don't understand that last bit either.

Yes or No?

This Year vs. Last

2011-12-08T09:18:00.001-05:00

I have a problem with the holidays. This hasn't changed. Last year at this time I was writing about the same thing. I wrote about how my Christmas tree tried to kill me and how the ghost of marriages past kept haunting me.

This year, though, is a whole lot better. We are going to have Christmas morning at our house this year. We've always gone to my Mom's, but that always made me sad. The fact that I didn't have a big enough family to stay home for. This year I am happy with the size of our small family. And speaking of which, my wonderful Boyfriend will be joining us as well on Christmas. He actually makes me (dare I say it?) happy. And finally, we set up a great tree that hasn't tried to kill me once! We had a great time decorating it and I really feel like it is important this year. That's a big change from last year.

S.A.D.

2011-11-29T10:22:00.001-05:00

Among my other diagnoses, I am afflicted by seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.). As if the others weren't enough. That link brings you to the Mayo site and it has some good information. This basically means that winter and the holidays cause depression within me. It is coming on strong.

My birthday is this week and that really begins the horribleness. It is the first day of December and, of course, December reminds me of the horrible holiday season. Along with this, my birthday always fucking sucks. Surprise parties that I begged not to have, broken promises, being alone, restraining orders, crying. Suck suck suck. This year my boyfriend and I are going to have fun F1 racing (I wish I could say I got paid for saying that.) It sounds fun but the more I think about it, the more scared I become of it.

My car's exhaust is broken. The damn thing sounds like an F1 racer already. My mechanic is all the way up in Maine so it is such a hassle every. single. time. And this exhaust? has been fixed 3 times in the past 2 years. Yup. FML.

I can't go into stores in December, they give me panic attacks. So I thought I would get everything done before Thanksgiving. Try to stave the madness off. But, as you know, the best laid plans of mice and men. A couple of the gifts are not happening, or are and I am stressed out about it. I still need to go to the stores. I still need to medicate myself before that can happen.

Every year, I never really worry about a tree because we don't spend Christmas at my house. This year is going to be different. We are staying home for Christmas. At least the morning of. I always thought it would be very sad just Ryder and I opening gifts. But then I decided that this is my family, as small as it might be. We would enjoy the holiday in the comfort of our own home. Enjoy our own tree. And hopefully my boyfriend will join us as well. I am happy about staying home and extremely sad at the same time. It is what it is, but that doesn't stop me from crying about it.

My plan at the beginning of the year was to plan on going snowboarding a lot this winter. That was going to be my light. Even that can't shine bright enough. Not today, at least.

What are you doing to keep away the winter blues?

Life Well Lived

2011-11-16T10:45:00.001-05:00

There is a great article over at Blogher about organizing your bathroom. I posted my tricks to keeping an organized bathroom over in the comments section. You should go over there and join the conversation. And while you are over there at Blogher, you should enter the $250 giveaway. You just have to share your life well lived moment. You can read mine there. You have to hurry, though because it ends today.

What Is Going On Here?

2011-11-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

With the holidays approaching, my mind turns to the presents I need to buy. Then I wonder how in the hell I will be able to buy said gifts. It is the 8th of the month and I still haven't paid rent. How can I catch up enough in the next few weeks? Guess we're going to dip into savings again.

I am planning on keeping gifts to a minimum this year. Try to knit a few things. Buy Ryder some much needed clothing instead of a bunch of toys, which he doesn't need. Of course I'll get him something to play with!

This then leads me to thinking about how much it costs me to get to work. Between daycare, the train pass, and parking, it is so much money. It makes me wonder why I come at all.

I called the Dept. of Revenue yesterday to find out about all the child support I have not received. They have no information. Just running his social daily. It is all that can be done. It really is not fair. I am struggling and raising our son, while he's doing god-knows-what. He is a fucking asshole.

Then I start thinking about how much I hate my job. I make just enough to mostly make it through, week by week. I have no idea what I would want to do, though. It's hard to look for a job when you don't know what you are looking for. So I do not look. I just try not to think about it. I just stay where I am and try not to complain too much.

I am stuck in a rut. Things need to change, but I do not know how to change them. I'll just sit here and cry, that'll probably help.

le sigh

2011-11-03T15:38:00.000-04:00

So, Halloween is over. I am relieved, as I am every year, but a little sad. Halloween was so much fun this year. A few people came over and we all ate chicken parmesan. We went trick or treating with Ryder. He is so grown up. He went up to the doors by himself. Aww... My boyfriend joined us in time for the fireworks. We saw some great costumes. And it being a Monday night, it wasn't too crowded.

I did not dress up, despite having a costume to do so. I wasn't in the mood. But it was okay because no one else in my party did either. Guess it wasn't the year.

I am glad the effing ferris wheel is gone, but I kinda miss it. It didn't seem to bother me much this year. It wasn't as bright.

Til next year...

Androphobia

2011-10-19T07:46:00.001-04:00

I was very afraid of men. The first time I went to daycare, I saw that she had two grown sons and I freaked a little. I hadn't really interacted with any men since I kicked Ryder's father out. I wasn't sure what to do. What if they started yelling at me? I knew I was a shitty person, though I wasn't clear on why. What if they got angry enough to hurt Ryder or me?

I still am a little afraid.

I didn't interact with men, besides work and such, for a long time. I could not even think about dating. That was crazy talk.

I have a hard time thinking that all men are not like the ex. All men are not going to fuck me over. They are not all mean. They are not all going to call me names and get angry at any little misstep.

I still am a little afraid.

I Hate eBay

2011-10-18T08:05:00.001-04:00

I have had a broken laptop in my possession for a while now. All it was doing was collecting dust until my friend suggested I sell it on eBay for parts. What a novel idea! I never thought such a thing possible.

She helps me set up the listing. Bidding starting at $25, buy it outright for $75, shipping $14. As soon as I listed it someone bought it for $75! I was psyched.

I waited for payment. And waited and waited. None came. I had to report the buyer. I planned on just relisting it, but since I am a new seller, I could only list one computer every 30 days. So I had to wait a little longer.

Finally my 30 days were up and I relisted it. I watched the bidding for a week. The final bid was $41 - and I was psyched. All I had to do was ship it. I tried going through UPS online, but they quoted a shipping price of $17. Well that could not be right. So I decided to go into a store. I checked the email I received from eBay and made the shipping label out to the PO Box they had listed.

Once inside the store, the clerk said that because it was a PO Box, it had to be shipped USPS priority shipping and would come to $26. I was so flustered that I just said okay. It was the only address I had, after all.

I went to my friend all upset that it had cost so much to ship. She told me to contact the buyer and tell them what happened. She said they would pay me, if only so I wouldn't give them a bad rating. So I did. I politely explained the situation and asked that she pay the difference.

I received a response today. The woman said that in the transaction details it not only says I shipped it UPS but it also gave me her house address. Furthermore, she told me that she does this all the time and if I did actually pay that much for shipping that I got ripped off. This really upset me. I didn't ship it UPS, I didn't have her home address, and I did not know if I did get ripped off. How could I have? Shipping prices don't change. Do they? So I double checked the email I was sent. Yup, PO Box. I checked the shipment tracking number, yup, USPS. Then I went online under transaction details. It does say that it was shipped UPS. I think this is what I was going to ship it. And sure enough, there was her home address. I had never seen this page, and why would I? I received an email with all the pertinent information. I blame eBay for not being user friendly, confusing, and sending me the wrong shipping address.

I am grateful that I have $30 more than I did before, but it was not worth the hassle.

My Penny Girl

2011-10-14T00:30:00.000-04:00

She is too cute.

Do you have any pets?!

I sure do! I have a mini schnauzer mix named Penny. She is a very smart dog. Although I rarely admit that. She is awfully cute, but awfully needy. I don't really do needy. I have a hard time when my kid is needy, forget about the dog. But I try to bring her to Maine on occasion so that she can run around the backyard. She is good enough that I just let her out into my backyard a couple times a day and she rarely runs away. And always returns.

Rachel's Holiday

2011-10-13T15:33:00.000-04:00

Remember the Blog Dare? I have done a couple. It has great ideas when you want to post something, but don't know what to post about.

The last book I read...

was Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes. It is about a woman who overdoses and is sent to a rehab facility by her friends and family. Rachel does not think she should be in rehab, but not many of the patients do, actually none of them think they do. It is a great book. Marian Keyes does a great job at addressing serious issues and putting a funny outlook on them. I have also read Anybody Out There and that's another I'd recommend. They are easy reads but not just fluff like some.

October Again!

2011-10-07T15:26:00.001-04:00

So it is October again here in Salem which means Halloween Every Day! It is by far the funnest thing about living in Salem. For about 2 weeks. Then it gets old. Really fast.

But for now I am excited! Last night was the Grand Parade. (Pics coming soon) We had great seats down on Front Street, which, apparently, is not a popular spot. All the better for us. And now you. Now that you know.

Ryder wore his super cute costume:

He got so much candy because he was cute. Especially from the college girls.

Tonight is Trick or Treating at the shops downtown. More candy. I still have candy from last year, of which I need to throw out before our excursion tonight. Good month to decide to eat healthy.

Anyways, the effing ferris wheel is due to go up in just under two weeks. I am not looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to fried dough, root beer floats, costumes!, trick or treating, and the Bizarre Bazaar.

What I Would Do Without Work

2011-09-28T11:08:00.001-04:00

10 things you would do if you didn't have to work

Sleep in!
Bring Ryder to the park. We don't get the chance to go very often.
Travel. To anywhere.
Put him on the bus. I've only done it once and that was only because I was running horribly late.
Volunteer in Ryder's classroom. All the other parents get to...
Run. A lot.
Attend all those classes that are only offered during the weekdays.
Blog more.
Learn how to cook and then cook all the time.
Demand that no one else had to work either.

Who Sucked Out the Feeling

2011-09-25T15:51:00.001-04:00

So here I am again. I've been having a good time. I've been hanging out with my beau, my family, my son. Work has been going okay. Same shit, you know. For some reason I cannot get into a sitting position today. I finally left my bed just to lay down on the couch.

Fucking depression. It hits at any time. It doesn't even care that my life is pretty good right now. It just waltzes it's ass in and sits on top of me. Threatening to choke me. Suck my breath out.

It is starting to become one of those times that I really need to talk to someone, but can't call anyone. I feel dumb calling someone for purely selfish reasons.

I had a couple of nightmares where I commuted several acts of arson. It was horrible. In the dreams I felt really bad about it, but felt like I needed to, anyways. I don't know.

My scar, at time like these, reminds me of how bad things can get. How bad I do not want to reach that point. I use the scar as a reminder of the pain.

Invisible Illness Week

2011-09-22T10:47:00.000-04:00

Invisible Illness Week was last week, so I'm pretty late with this, but I think it is interesting enough to do any week. I found it on my pal, Mel's, blog. She has Rheumatoid Arthritis and hip bursitis. Go check out her blog and learn more about RA.

1. The illness I live with is: Severe depression, panic disorder, and agoraphobia

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2004, officially

3. But I had symptoms since: as long as I can remember. My earliest panic attack was somewhere between 4 and 6 years old.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Being aware that my intrusive thoughts are caused by depression and I can do something about them.

5. Most people assume: That I'm just a bit sad and should just get over it

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Caring enough to get up

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I don't really watch TV

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My phone - I love it

9. The hardest part about nights are: Getting to sleep and then staying asleep

10. Each day I take minimum 5 pills some days up to 8

11. Regarding alternative treatments: I've tried loads of things to get me to sleep and to stay asleep, but that is it

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: invisible, if I really had to choose

13. Regarding working and career: It is difficult to work or just get to work, when you don't care about anything. Or on the flip side, I get panicky really quickly, so any stress could cause a panic attack

14. People would be surprised to know: How quickly I can go from normal to depressed as shit

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: It is not really new

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Connect with others with similar situations

17. The commercials about my illness: Usually depict depression as a black cloud. I wish it were just a black cloud. It trivializes it

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: again, I've really always had it

19. It was really hard to have to give up: See above

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Blogging

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Be at peace with the world

22. My illness has taught me: Not to judge others, who knows what they are thinking

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "I'm so depressed that I'll never see a new Harry Potter movie again." That is not depressed. That is sad.

24. But I love it when people: Ask how I am

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It will be okay.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How many other people have the same problems

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Watch Ryder for me

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I'm pretty much not. But I want to help spread awareness about depression and anxiety and let people know they are not alone

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Special. It is a long list and there are no chocolate or vanilla questions

You Love When I'm Angry

2011-09-15T11:30:00.001-04:00

Take a look over there on the right. There is a list of my most awesome-est posts. Bridge to Terabithia is always first. It used to be one of the first images on Google image search, but I can't seem to find it today. Then there are four angry posts: Resentment, An Epic Post, Sometimes I Hate Being a Mom, and Fucking People, Man. These are really angry posts. I do like them, and I thought about reposting one, but they are really angry, and I am not angry right now. Why do you like my angry posts? Is it the honesty? Is it the foul language? Am I just good at communicating my anger?

On a side note, one of my traffic sources is some porn site. What? How is that even happening? Then a few others are in Russian. You probably don't know this about me, but I cannot speak, read, or write Russian.

Blog stats can be very strange.

Hire Me - Please?

2011-09-07T15:49:00.001-04:00

Today's Bloggy Mom's Blog Dare is: What brand should hire me to represent them in social media...

Lucky Brand should totally hire me. As we speak my outfit is from Lucky. I love their clothes. They are so comfy... If I could get free shit or even paid (gasp!) that would be awesome. Maybe they will read this...

I usually buy Lucky stuffs from Marshall's. It is way cheaper than at the store.

Who should hire you?

First Panic Attack

2011-09-01T00:05:00.001-04:00

I think of the day of my first panic attack as the day that I was born. I was between 4 and 6 years old. I have no idea what the date or even the season was, but I remember the panic attack. I feel like that was the day that changed everything. The day panic seized control of my life.

I was lying in bed. I believe that I had just woken up. I was staring at my wallpaper. It was some kind of kid wallpaper that you would put in a nursery. Slowly I felt my head getting smaller while my extremities grew enormously. They were going to get so big that I would not be able to lift them. In my mind's eye there was a hammer on the wallpaper. Bang. Bang. Bang. It was banging, rhythmically, in my head. I had no idea what was going on. I would not find out what went on until well into college. I believe I laid there for quite sometime before it subsided enough to get up. I tried telling my parents but I did not have the words to express how I felt.

It was so scary, not unlike the panic attacks I have now.

The Worst Field Trip Ever

2011-08-30T13:03:00.001-04:00

The worst field trip I ever went on.

I loved summer camp at the YMCA. I remember loving winning the Who Can Fall Asleep Fastest award every day! I have always loved my naps. Sometimes they took us on field trips, usually to the playground a couple of blocks away. On one of these trips I was standing in the middle of the jungle gym and I desperately wanted to reach the top. So I took a huge jump but at the height of my ascent I felt a sharp pain in my arm. I fell on to the tar - because we were tough kids who didn't need pansy wood chips on our playgrounds. One of the counselors came running over and told me that a bee had stung me. I remember crying and crying and the counselor carried me back to the Y. I remember him telling me that bees only stung once because they die when their stinger was torn out. This somehow made 5 year old me feel better.

What's In Your Chest?

2011-08-28T11:43:00.001-04:00

A precious item that you have kept from your childhood.I haven't thought about this in a very long time. There are only a few things that I have kept. I try to keep my life as uncluttered as possible. I still have the issue of Rolling Stones with Kurt Cobain on the cover. I keep it in a chest by my bed. I have always loved Kurt and Nirvana. He had the most beautiful blue eyes... I also kept a newspaper after 9/11. These two things impacted my life significantly, and I'm sure lots of other people as well.

Three Parenting Pains

2011-08-26T11:05:00.000-04:00

Parenting. It is fucking hard.

Bath time: First off, I do not make my kid take a bath every day. I have two hours with him a day, I'm not going to spend it fighting with him about bath time every day. He hates the bath. I think he doesn't like the water on his head. It has been very difficult getting him clean lately. At first he was screaming like I was killing him. It really helped when there was two people, one to hold him and one to clean him. When we were at a hotel I was convinced someone was going to call the police. Anyways, I had to hold him down to keep him in the tub. He hit and kicked me. It was ugly. Now, I try to use a washcloth instead of pouring water on him as much as possible, then when I do have to pour the water I do it very slowly. Very slowly. And I get him to wash himself, which seems to work pretty well. He still says he is scared of the bath.

Scared: I laughed at a coworker a few months ago when he told us his daughter was afraid of everything. "Oh that is so cute!" I exclaimed. Not cute. Really annoying. He claims to be afraid of everything: his bed, my room, the dog, water, dinner, leaving the couch. He is not afraid of the GameCube though. That is just fine. I don't know what is real and what isn't. I don't want to make anything worse, but I don't want to give in to every fear, real or imagined.

Bed wetting: He has only done this twice, but it makes me worry. Sure, they are probably truly accidents, but what if there is an actual problem? How would I know? Should I be doing something different? I'm probably worried about nothing.

That is how it is, though, right? Worry, worry, worry. Worry and guilt. Sometimes being a parent is fun. Sometimes it is so not.

What do you worry about?

Summer, O Summer, Where Hath Thee Gone?

2011-08-24T16:42:00.001-04:00

Another summer is coming to a close and I feel like mine was not complete. Which is ridiculous. I went to Canada, North Conway, camping, swimming, hiking, letterboxing, and went on a few dates. What is wrong with me? 
I feel like we didn't go to the pool enough, so I desperately want to go this weekend, but there is a friggin hurricane coming. 
I think it stems from plain old mommy guilt. I work all week, then I try to spend time outdoors on the weekend. That's really all I get with him, the weekends, and that makes me feel shitty. To top that off, Ryder goes to summer school, so this is his real first week off, just to start again in two weeks. His school is only 10 hours a week and he loves it, but I still feel guilty. I hated school and I assume everyone else does to.
He is such a happy boy. He loves everyone and he does way more than I got to do when I was young, yet I constantly worry I am not enough.
Speaking of that, every once in a while I get so angry that I don't receive child support. I do fine by myself, but I find myself dreaming how life would be with an extra $100 a week. I could get the internet at home. Buy a new (used) car that I could love. I see fathers who pay child support and struggle a bit. Yet Ryder's father gets off scott free. And the amount he owes is so large that that amount makes no difference what it is. What's the difference between a hundred and a million when you are getting nothing? That makes me angry.
That covers guilt and anger. I have, actually, been happy lately. I am staying busy and have had some adult time lately. Man how I've missed adult time.

Summers are not long enough. Weekends are not long enough. Days are not long enough.

Ten Lessons From Ryder

2011-08-17T10:22:00.000-04:00

You all know that I learn things from the playground. Sometimes I learn things straight from Ryder. Here are 10 things that I ought to learn from him.

How to make friends
How to enjoy life
How to dance
How to love unconditionally
How to sing - even if you don't know the words
How to take my time
How to enjoy school
How to live without the internet
How to assert myself without thought of repercussions
How to play nicely

Tipping: Dos and Don'ts

2011-08-03T12:03:00.000-04:00

I waited tables for quite some time in my younger years. (Doesn't that make me sound old?) I have also delivered pizzas. Those are my qualifications for being a tipping expert.

Do tip your waitress 15% - 20% - Waitstaff make less than minimum wage. They depend on tips for their living.
Don't base your tip on the food, just the service - Your server did not make the food, it is not their fault if it is bad. But it is their business to get you a new dish or whatever.
Do tip your delivery man - They probably make minimum wage, and I don't know what it is like where you live, but you cannot survive on minimum wage around here. A flat $2 tip is fine.
Don't worry if you can only leave change - I actually liked change. I told everyone it was my honeymoon money.
Do tip the hairdresser and taxi driver - Unless you want to look like Stevie Nicks next time you go to get a hair cut.
Don't tip everyone - I mean, if you really want to by all means, but you do not have to. The guy pumping your gas does not expect a tip. And, please, those postal workers get better benefits than I do.
Do tip more for exceptional service - Again, you don't have to, but a good tip is incentive for waitstaff to provide out-of-their-way service
Don't tip based on the chart on your receipt - Lately I have been seeing on receipts that they tell you how much to tip based on 15, 20, and 25 percent. Sometimes they are wrong! Some are trying to trick you into tipping too much. Buy one of those pocket tipping charts.

What do you think?

Dating = Normality?

2011-08-01T20:41:00.001-04:00

Dating makes me feel normal for some reason.

I didn't ever really date before I was married. Sure, I hooked up with plenty of guys, but I didn't date them.

At first I was feeling almost like I was weak for wanting to date. Like I don't need anyone else. I'm secure by myself. I've been this long by myself.

But now that I'm trying it out, I feel normal.

Kinda like Seinfeld or Sex in the City or some other third show. Especially now that I think it is okay for me to date someone I don't necessarily want to marry. Then again, how will you know if someone is the marrying kind without dating them. I picture those shows where they have bad dates and that makes me a bit more optimistic (shaky ground here). Makes me feel like if the date goes badly, that is okay too.

This is all new to me, but I am glad I am venturing into new territory. It doesn't mean I'm weak. I just want to have some fun.

Where I Am From

2011-07-24T09:02:00.000-04:00

I found this at Musings from the Big Pink who found it somewhere else. There is a template that I followed. I put up a linky at the end of this post if you want to do your own and share it! I'd love to read yours.

I am from the murky bottom of the lake, from Cabbage Patch Kids and Big League Chew.

I am from the smell of a candle, from noisy family dinners. I am from delicious no-bake cookies.

I am from using a buttercup to determine the affinity for butter. I am from misty waterfalls, from rock hopping, from the amazing sight at the top of a 4,000 footer.

I am from dry jokes and thick hair. I am from Larry and Ellen, from Wyatt and Rose.

I am from the insistence that you are wrong. I am from generosity, knowledge, and love.

From digging to China. From not picking up dirty feathers. From surveillance equipment in the back of a Humpty Dumpty truck and getting you face hit by a train.

I am from Catholicism. I am from baptisms and first communions. I am from denying the existence of God.

I am from Boston. I am from Germany, Ireland, and England. I am from boiled potatoes and baked chicken.

From not knowing where Pleasant Street is. From setting up the Taj Ma Tent in the rain.

I am from the low pipes in a cobwebby basement. From piles and piles of dusty boxes. From the irreplaceable family photos stored in said dusty boxes.

How To Simplify Your Life

2011-07-18T16:45:00.001-04:00

Okay, so the title is a bit misleading. I don't really know how to simplify my life, but that is what I am going to do. I started by whittling down what I carry around. I really do not need rewards cards from every store. At grocery stores, you can just ask the cashier to scan the store card. Then for the other stores, have you even earned any rewards off of these things? I do from my CVS and AC Moore cards so I kept them and tossed all the others. That was a huge relief.

Speaking of supposed savings, I used to keep all the coupons I got in the mail, just in case. Just in case what? The valvoline place blows up and I have to get an oil change elsewhere? I will certainly need $5 off. So those get recycled. Papers that probably have interesting articles but have been sitting on my table for a month? Gone. And I don't miss them.

I can't watch Hoarders because it gives me a panic attack, but I'm sure they have some great advice. Post any ideas or links in the comments. We could work on this together?

Postsecret

2011-07-16T12:40:00.001-04:00

VIA

Vacation Blues

2011-07-14T22:39:00.001-04:00

It is the end of the fourth day of my vacation. As much as I have enjoyed not going to work, I have not been happy. I have felt guilty about not being at work. I have been feeling very lonely not having anyone to talk to. I have been sad and bored, even when I am doing something.

A couple times I was doing something fun and I just wanted to stop and lay down in bed. I just feel like crying all the time. I thought a vacation would help me shake this depression off. Au contraire, it seems to be making it worse.

So, I'm sitting in a hotel room, watching mtv, and sorta wishing someone was here with me. Anyone would do, really. I wish I was at home, in my bed, crying.

Vibrator Review

2011-07-01T09:55:00.000-04:00

This review is of a product of a sexual nature. If you are not interested or are related to me, you might want to skip this one.

Eden Fantasys sent me a Ben's G-Spot Smoothie to me for free to review!

I will admit that I was not crazy about it at first. I thought it was strange. It was a strange shape, it did weird vibrations. I changed my mind when I started playing with the fun features. It has five different vibrations: slow, fast, then three different patterns. They are very fun to play around with. It's nice to be able to switch things up, you know? If you are tired of one, just change it up.

A couple of other things I love about it is the shape and texture. It is curved to fit the contours of your body. You can really feel the whole vibrator. It is easy to hold or just leave in, if that's how you prefer to play. It is made of plastic so it is super easy to keep clean, but is still soft.
Eden Fantasys is a great place to buy sex toys from. Ordering is easy and the packaging is discreet. If you are a Blogger, you should contact them, because they love bloggers!
If you get one, be sure to tell me what you think!

2011-06-29T13:01:00.000-04:00

What do you find most challenging about blogging?

Knowing what to write about, or what not to write about, is the most difficult part of blogging to me. Sometimes I just have no idea. Even these writing prompts can't help me sometimes. A lot of times it seems like the more I want to write, the harder it is. Or there are times that I desperately want to write about something that I know I shouldn't. I'm talking about private things that have no business being on the internets. It is difficult sometimes because this is my outlet. This is where I write my thoughts and can get feedback.

One of the problems is that I do not know what my niche is. Day 4 in 31 Ways to Build a Better Blog is to analyze a top blog in your niche. Here is where I got stuck. Pretty early on, eh? What is my niche? It used to be the single-working-mother blog but not so much any more. I'm more than that now. There is more to me than being a mom who works. But what does that mean to me? Who knows.

Night Life

2011-06-25T21:38:00.001-04:00

Inside it is stiffling, so I grab my wine and keys and head out into the fresh night air. The night is alive with music. Spanish music that I cannot understand, but makes me want to dance. Tengo que bailer.

There seems to be people everywhere. Kids trying to procure adult beverages, young adults racing down the street, a truck that is having a hard time parallel parking. I am not outside long before it begins to rain. Starting slowly at first and deterring no one. A woman walks by with her dog.

The rain comes down harder, yet the party continues on. Children walk by with basketballs even though it is much too dark to play. Even in the city lights. The truck gives up trying to park and goes somewhere else. A second truck comes up and easily takes the spot.

My feet are getting wet, so I need to retreat a bit farther onto the porch. My glass is empty and is screaming to be refilled. I yield, running inside real quick to grab a refill and my pipe. My dog follows me out. She, too, is curious of the city noises.

The temperature is dropping and there are less people wandering about. Even my dog comes back under shelter. It gets colder and I realize I am exhausted.

A Limerick

2011-06-22T21:33:00.002-04:00

The cars were parked on the pier.

A pier not far from here.

the pier was broken

cars two feet from soaking

The drivers were far from fear.

Parenting Joys

2011-06-21T14:48:00.001-04:00

Have I told you how amazing children are? First they are just these little blobs then they are walking talking kids. How does that happen?

Ryder came home the other day and I told him it was dinner time. "I have already eaten dinner," he told me. Then continued to tell me what exactly he ate.

He didn't talk for the longest time and now he is telling me about what he had done.

I tried to help him get onto the first ride. He didn't need help.

He is finally tall enough for the log flume ride. I dragged him on and he was so scared. After the first hill he said "I'm done! I'm done!" but unfortunately for him there was another hill. I think it was good for him.

My parents babysat Saturday while I went out to see a show. I got back around 2 am and snuck into bed with him. He woke in the morning, hugged me and said "Mama, I missed you!"

Be still my beating heart.

Penny

2011-06-13T16:07:00.000-04:00

How could we resist after seeing a dachshund puppy everyday? He was our neighbor's dog and looked something like this:

via

It was decided that we needed a dog. Right away.

Our first stop was the Dumb Friend's League in Denver. They had the most beautiful facility. It was all new and fancy. Each dog got its own kennel and blanket and such. No small dogs though. None that would stay small, at least. We were told to come in the morning because we'd have better luck then.

Well, this was no good because we needed a dog. Right away.

We went to a small shelter, which is no longer open, that wasn't new and fancy like the DFL. It was hardly more than a large garage with a few kennels and a shit-load of dogs. There were 5-10 dogs per kennel. All kinds of dogs. There was a wall of cats, too, that was basically a bunch of cages on top of one another.

The first dog we took out to play didn't seem to like us. He was kinda old and just doing his own thing. We needed a real connection. Then we saw Penny. She was jumping up and barking and looking like she really wanted to go out. So we took her out and she loved us. Jumped all over us and was having a grand time.

Who could resist those eyes?

So it was decided. Penny it was. While we were waiting to take her home, she was trying to get to the wall o' cats. Jumping and barking all over the place. It should have occurred to me then that she would always jump and bark, but, alas, it did not. So she came home with us.

She got along well with our cats. They all seemed to have a lovely time chasing each other.

Penny and Houdini

A whole hell of a lot has happened since I got Penny in 2003. She was there for me when there has been no one else. She has traveled across the country with me. She has been on camping trips and saw the addition of a baby to our family. She has seen my marriage break up and the loss of an apartment and car. Penny is always there. And Penny is always happy to see me. Now she and Ryder are best friends. When Ryder needs someone, Penny will be there for him.

Can you believe this is the best pic I could find?!

Penny really gets on my nerves. She jumps and barks (have I mentioned that?) and drives me crazy. At one time I thought that she was too much. I thought that I could not handle a baby and a needy dog all by myself, so Penny went to spend the week with my parents. We only got a few days in and I needed her back. I needed my Penny. Right away. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Lia Sophia Blog Party!!

2011-06-09T10:41:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been to a lia sophia party before? Well, now you have! Welcome! Sit, have a cocktail - what do you drink? First I'm going to show you the awesome jewelry I have:

Isn't it all really pretty? I love it. And it is coated in Rhodium so it is hypoallergenic. Which rocks because I can't wear a lot of stuff.

Wanna shop with me? Here's how:

Click here

I am your hostess so put "Raine" into the first name field.

It will pop up with my name. Click it.

Shop!

The SALE:

For every two items you buy, you get a third for half off. They take half off the most expensive item.

I know!!

Then you can purchase up to three bracelets half off.

So, if you are interested, or just want to look around, please feel free! The party will be open for about a week. Let me know if you have any questions or anything.

Do you need another drink?

The Fresh Air Fund

2011-06-08T15:33:00.001-04:00

The Fresh Air Fund is a non-profit organization that sends children from the inner city to suburbs and small communities for a couple of weeks in the summer. These children get to enjoy fresh air, green grass, clear water, and open spaces, when they, normally, would not get the opportunity.

The Fresh Air Fund contacted me and asked me for a hand, because they are looking for host families in the Northeast and Canada. Twelve hundred host families, actually, for this summer. They are looking for volunteers to host a child in their home for up to two weeks. The children are ages six to twelve and the volunteers can request the age and gender of the child.

This is a great organization and I am happy to help get out the word about them. They have been doing this since 1877 and hopefully will continue to help children for another 100+ years. If you would like to help or would like more information check out their website. It is packed with information.

Why I Walk in the Boston Marathon Jimmy Fund Walk

2011-06-03T11:14:00.001-04:00

I am walking for the Boston Marathon Jimmy Fund Walk again this year. The past three years have been so much fun. And like the previous years, I am walking for my Mom.

My Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer in October, 2007. She had surgery to remove all but the inoperable tumor. Since then she has been through so many different drugs. Some make her hair fall out, some gives her peripheral neuropathy (numb hands and feet), some just make her tired. The drug she is currently on has cardiac symptoms. No one wants to mess with their heart. They carefully monitor her to see if she is able to continue on the drug.

This is last year's poster, but don't we look awesome?

This is why I do the Jimmy Fund Walk every year. To raise money for cancer research that might, hopefully, save my Mom.

We need your help too! My goal for this year is $500 and I am quite behind. Could you donate to my walk and to cancer research everywhere?

Thank you everybody! You are my heroes.

15 Things To Do Before I Die

2011-06-02T16:50:00.001-04:00

1. Buy something from a child in Mexico, paying more than asked.

2. Find out what makes me happy.

3. Have a song written for me.

4. Have a second child.

5. Grow a garden.

6. Learn to rock climb.

7. Learn to play tennis

8. Teach Ryder to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the piano.

9. Go on a cruise.

10. See Circle de Soliel

11. Drink an ale in a pub in Dublin.

12. Attend a World Series game.

13. Buy a joint legally.

14. Finish the New York Times' Sunday crossword.

15. Forgive my ex-husband.

What is on your bucket list?

Childbirth

2011-06-02T09:00:00.001-04:00

Most pain ever. Most precious gift.

Six Word Memoir: Write about a significant time in your life in just six words.

Three Lessons From the Playground

2011-05-30T21:04:00.001-04:00

~Other parents are way more tolerant than I think. Ryder seems to ask every adult on the playground to watch him, or catch him, or help him. I run over and try to help him myself, but of course he doesn't want my help. I've learned that the other parents are okay with the whole thing. Maybe their kids do the same.

~Sometimes it is okay to break the rules. You'd think I would know this by now. It us a really difficult lesson to remember. Sometimes pretending not to see him is okay as long as it is not dangerous. What playground nowadays can you even do anything dangerous in?

~You don't have to maintain clear sight at all times to be a good parent. If Ryder runs behind a tree for a second, it does not mean he has been stolen. It is okay for a piece of playground equipment to obscure my sight for a second or two.

Different Parenting

2011-05-26T09:59:00.000-04:00

My mom and I parent very differently. My dad and I, not so much. My mom seems to focus on the wrong things. Or maybe just things that are less important to me.

For instance, with my mom, a two year old playing with buttons? Fine. Playing with rings? Good. Nevermind they are choking hazards. A four year old saying "Jesus"? Hell no. Playing with the shell-game-like toy he got at Wendy's? I might as well get his jail cell ready for him now.

Another major difference is teaching him the difference between when an activity is okay and when it is not. I say never climb up the slide the wrong way. Major pet peeve of mine. Mom says you can as long as there are not too many kids on the playground. What does that mean? How many are too many? How does he know? Or she says that he can climb on her legs but not her abdomen. I say don't climb on people.

However differently we parent, neither of us could be too wrong. Ryder is very happy and my mom raised four of us successfully. Though, I must say, my dad sides with me.

Depression Party!

2011-05-18T09:04:00.004-04:00

Today is Mental Health Blog Party Day. Did you bring the streamers? Fuck, well, me either.

Mental illness is one of these invisible diseases. Much like arthritis and lupus, others cannot tell that you are sick and often just plain out don't believe you. "It's all in your head," we are told. "You don't *look* sick." Someone said yesterday that mental illness is a disease, not a choice.

In the interest of this important day where we are all getting together to promote awareness, I will be candid. Well, even more candid than normal.

Most of you know that I suffer from depression, panic disorder and agoraphobia. Depression is severe sadness along with feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. It is not just I am having a bad day or I'm so depressed because my dog died. Depression doesn't leave when you are done grieving and it certainly does not wait for something bad to happen to rear up. Panic disorder is an anxiety disorder where you get anxiety, or panic, attacks. Anxiety attacks are where you are so anxious about something that you can't think straight, you can't breathe, you can't function. And finally agoraphobia is defined as the fear of open spaces, but that is a little misleading. It's really the fear of leaving a safe place. A fear of going into a situation that will cause anxiety. Personally, I think it's just playing it smart. But I'm no MD.

Personally I'd rather have anxiety than depression any day. With anxiety, at least I get shit done. When I am depressed, forget about it. The only thing I want to do is lie in bed and not move.

I refer to depression as a black hole. When you are sad normally, it feels like there is a black cloud following you, right? Depression is more like falling into a black hole. It surrounds you, gnaws on you, keeps you prisoner in it's deep recesses. When the depression is really severe, I feel like the darkness is inside me. It is actually coursing through my veins. It has tainted my blood. It is times like these that cutting, thoughts of suicide and hospitalization come up. I have never been hospitalized but I've been extremely close. Like one day away close.

People always comment on how happy I am, or how patient or how calm and down-to-earth I am. It's very deceiving. I put on a pretty good act, if I do say so myself. Being depressed or panicked can be embarrassing. People say things like just cheer up. Just calm down. Just snap out of it. As if it is that easy.

Do you know what I am talking about? Can you relate? I hope you can't, but if you can you should talk to someone about it. At the very least, you can email me. I don't judge. There is no equal to professional help, though. I see a psychiatrist who gives me meds to help stabilize me and a therapist who helps me through life. They are indispensable to me.

BBCBos

2011-05-18T08:41:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I attended the SITS Bloggy Boot Camp. Its was fun, informative, tasty, social, and all sorts of other adjectives. My favorite part was hanging out with my friends Melissa and Frannie. Oh, and the wine. The wine was good.

I went into it knowing that I wanted to change my blog. I wanted a new name and along with that a new center. Something more aligned with who I am now. One of the first suggestions made at the conference was "Buy your own domain name." So, that went right up there with my first priorities. Who doesn't want their own dot com?

The first presentation was from Amy Bradley Hole from Be Better Branding. This was right along the lines with my goals. She gave us some questions for us to answer for ourselves. Including "What is my promise?" and "What is my story?"

There was some information that I wasn't interested in/didn't understand. SEO, for instance, what the fuck? I do not get that shit at all. Writing a good pitch, just not what I need.

I met a ton of people. A ton. Everyone was super nice. Not everyone had a blog. Some were in marketing, advertising, or was just interested in starting a blog. Everyone had a business card. You need a business card. No joke. I remember reading that on Mama Kat's blog and thinking she was exaggerating at best; no, she wasn't. My problem now is trying to match up the cards to the faces. The quickly fading faces. I need to get on that.

My favorite presentation was from Mommy Niri. She talked about using your bloggy power for good. For helping out with charities and other noble causes. But, she stressed, not letting anyone walk over you. Your time is still worth something.

I would suggest the BBC for anyone who is serious about their blog. If you are just keeping your family updated on your endeavors, you probably won't get much out of it. But if you want to improve your blog, marketing, branding, or writing, then this would be a good fit for you.

15 Fictional Characters That Have Influenced You

2011-05-13T15:51:00.000-04:00

1.Raoul Duke (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) – the first to come to mind. We used to watch this movie over and over again in college. Many of my phrases have been taken from Raoul. Raoul Duke is a fictional character. Hunter S. Thompson created that mimicked himself.

2.Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Rocky Horror) – Many of my choices is people who are not afraid to be themselves. The Dr. is one of them.

3.Frankenstein’s monster – He travels around and people are scared of him. Like the monster, I don’t always know what is right.

4.Bilbo Baggins (Lord of the Rings) – “It's a dangerous business going out your front door.”

5.Spongebob Squarepants – I can relate events in my life to Spongebob episodes.

6.Jacob Grace (God-Shaped Hole) - "If your intentions are pure I am seeking a friend for the end of the world." Jacob was himself. No apologies. And he loved so passionately.

7.Gonzo (Muppets) – Gonzo is always depressed and unhappy with who he is. So am I.

8.Eeyore – Eeyore is also depressed. Even his happy is sort of sad.

9.Batman – Batman is my favorite superhero. He is an ordinary guy who goes out and serves justice. My hero!

10.Gambit (X-Men) – I wanted to marry Gambit. Still do.

11.Daisy (The Great Gatsby) – I am not sure why I chose Daisy. Maybe it was her great love towards Jay.

12.Michael Corleone (The Godfather) – Michael thought he knew what was right. He thought everything was black and white, but it isn’t. Something I am still learning.

13.Daria – Daria is who I imagined I was.

14.Rayanne Graff (My So-Called Life) – Rayanne was someone who I wanted to be. And her nickname was Rainey.

15.Laura Wingfield (The Glass Menagerie) – Laura is so fragile and innocent – like her glass. I think of myself as fragile.

Changes

2011-05-09T16:22:00.001-04:00

Maybe you noticed a few changes around here? If you are a fellow Google Reader, you probably have not. It has been a couple of years now with the same shit, so I've decided to update it. The previous title wasn't really applicable any more. Hopefully this is a better fit.

I bought my very own domain name! Yay! Just need to leave out the "of". Update your bookmarks, please.

Thanks for being here for me xoxo

A Few of My Favorites

2011-05-09T07:48:00.002-04:00

Growing up I hated action films. "I am a pacifist," I would declare. I was fooling myself. I always loved The Godfather, and that isn't exactly a romantic comedy.

I never liked romantic comedies, for the record.

Action/adventure? Yes. I think I first really noticed that this was my genre when I would go into the section with my ex and find all my favorites. Apocalypse Now? Oh. Who knew?

Mobster and war movies are my favorite sub-genres. The Departed has that extra Boston element to it too. I do not like Jason Statham movies. Crank was about the worst movie ever. Though it is not the lack of plot that I hate. I hate plenty of movies lacking plot: Sucker Punch for one. That is a great movie about girls kicking ass. What more does a movie need? A great soundtrack maybe? Check! It's got that too.

What is your favorite movie genre?

Hospital Cafeteria

2011-05-05T08:07:00.002-04:00

Throughout high school I had only one job: hospital cafeteria. Unlike some of my other minimum wage comrades in other fields (such as fast food or retail) my job was extremely lucrative. I made *drumroll* $5.82 per hour. Every hour! It was a lot back then.

Anyways, it was a fun job. Everything worked like an assembly line. The food preparation, distribution, and cleaning. My favorite part was cleaning. They gave you a powerful hose and told you to get everything wet. ¡No problemo!

Of course we were an unlikely bunch of coworkers who became an equally unlikely group of friends. There was always good chatting, well meant jabs, lively cigarette breaks, singing, dancing, and soaking each other with the aforementioned hose.

The job itself sucked, but the people made it fun every day.

City Life

2011-04-29T07:41:00.001-04:00

It's happened. I have lived in the city too long. I am fully assimilated. I kinda enjoy all the honking.

People only honk when someone is dumb, and it's not always the one being honked at. So whenever I hear a horn lately I think "haha, who is being dumb now?"

Some Stuff

2011-04-28T07:58:00.002-04:00

So, Obama released a copy of his birth certificate. Donald Trump is taking the credit. Well la-de-fricking-da. Obama was born here. You were wrong. Now you just look like an ass.

I have a good kid and he drives me mad. How do parents with not so good kids do it?

The problem with trying to read someone that you don't really know is that you don't know them well enough to read them. Sounds like its obvious? Not to all of us, okay?

A quick story for Mama Kat's writing workshop: an embarrassing story from school. I generally don't get embarrassed. I have a high tolerance or something. Drunk friends can easily spit out something told in confidence, though, and my face turns redder than a beet. (Does anyone even eat beets?) I was out and about with a friend in college and we saw this guy I knew from high school. I'm about to say hi when she says to me very loudly "Isn't that the guy that you like from your high school?" Extremely awkward.

One last thing. I'm going to the SITS Bloggy Boot Camp May 7th. I'm going with Mel and Frannie! We are going to have so much fun! Has anybody else been to anything like this?

The Tortured Artist

2011-04-22T20:16:00.001-04:00

I have mentioned before that I understand the tortured artist thing. How when you are the worst, your art is the best. My mom said something to me today: "Why haven't you been making more birds?" And I answered something vague about not having time or they being hard.

But the real answer is is that I've been happy lately. I've been doing things and seeing people. I've been socializing. I haven't had the time nor the want to sit around knitting. But now that I've fallen into my hole, it sounds like a grand thing to do. I feel worthless so I need to make something to convince myself (even for a fleeting second) that I am not.

Understanding is not easy. Dealing with it is not easy. Trying not to freak you child or new friends out is not easy. Nothing about depression is easy.

Birthdays and Why They Suck

2011-04-12T07:52:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was Ryder's birthday. He was all happy, of course, but I was not. I hate birthdays. They remind me of the beginnings. They remind me of things before they became miserable. Or rather when they were miserable.

Yesterday I was thinking of when Ryder was born. We waited and waited and waited. Then four years ago, I went into the hospital to be induced. Andrew was there.

My family was there. We were watching the Sox when my water broke. They left and I didn't invite them back. Andrew was there. He was probably more scared than I was.

They gave me an epidural and told me to rest. Andrew went to wait outside. I was later told that he was on the phone getting drugs.

I couldn't rest. The epidural made me itchy so everyone came back and I pushed. Pushed and pushed. Andrew was there. Ryder came and he was amazing. Our family had just grown to three. And that's how it was supposed to be. Three. Because Andrew was there.

And now he's not. He was not there for long after Ryder was born. It was just Ryder and I and it still is. I cannot grasp how that happened. It happened so quickly. He was there, then he wasn't. He doesn't even see Ryder now.

Ryder is amazing. I don't understand how he goes about his day not caring to know that. He loved him so much four years ago. How did that change?

Hate and Loathing

2011-04-08T08:07:00.001-04:00

I hate him. I have no good reason, I just hate him. Loathe him perhaps.

He's normal enough looking, I guess. An older man with a briefcase. He parks near me, gets on at the same door on the same train as me. He takes the same return train, then we walk parallel to our cars.

Couldn't he be a friend? We have so much in common. No. Because I hate him.

One morning I decided I would speak to him. That should dispel any hatred I have, just seeing him as a normal person. We were paying for parking, next to each other of course, when I said "Wow, the parking lot is filling up quickly today." He said "Well, people park in this lot because it is cheaper than the other." No shit. That's why *I* park in that lot. Not because I want to walk farther. So that was it. The end of Operation Speech Will Set You Free.

As if I couldn't hate him any more, he got this Celtics jacket. It is so obnoxious. Besides being the mandatory Kelly Green, it has banners on the back. You know the type. The ones that teams get for winning this or that, then hang around the arena. Yes those. On the back of his jacket there is a replica of each and every banner the Celtics have won. It sorta makes me want to beat him over the head.

One last piece of evidence for you, before I bore you and anger myself. When he gets his receipt from the parking meter, he places it on top of the meter. Wtf? I am tempted to tell him to just throw it on the ground. Is is really kidding himself by thinking that by putting it on top of something, it is not littering? I bet 5 minutes pass before that thing is flying all over the damned parking lot.

Maybe I'll offer to take it next time. "Instead of you littering, I'll take that paper for you." Maybe.

Or maybe I'll just hit him over the head.

Through the Rabbit Hole

2011-04-04T14:25:00.002-04:00

Finally. A little bit of time alone. I must remember to thank Mom profusely. What should I do with this time? Well, the living room really needs vacuuming, but that's dumb. I should throw a kegger or something. Pretend that I'm 22 again. Ok, here's the deal: vacuum the living room then party. Perfect.

La de da... I hate vacuuming... La de da...

Fuck this couch is heavy. Maybe I should put it off til next time. No. That's what I said last time. Just behind the couch then I can get started on my keg.

What the... I don't remember this little door. No, I definitely would've remembered an Alice-in-Wonderland-door. I wonder... hey, it opened easy enough. If only I had one of those nifty "Eat Me" cakes. Well, what do you know? Ask and you shall receive. Mmmm... Carrot cake. I ought to find out who makes these and... Whoa there! Okay, smaller, smaller, I dig it.

Holy shit! This place is beautiful! Look at all the butterflies! And the sun, so bright - not sure how it fit in my house... and the trees. Are those... yeah, there are books growing on the trees. I'll just grab one, here, ah, Catcher in the Rye, that's a good one. And I'll just sit upon this soft grassy knoll. "'If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born..."

"...Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." Ahhh... how nice it is to finish a book in one sitting. I... oh no! How long have I been in here? The kids are probably looking for me. Where's that door? There it is. Kids! Mommy is coming!

That's weird, I'm normal sized again. And the house is quiet. What time... its not a minute later than when I went through the door to begin with... so peculiar.

Imagine you're home alone (I know this may be hard to visualize but work with me here) and you stumble upon a secret passageway in your living room. The passage leads to a room of your very own, one that you will never tell another living soul about. This is your sanctuary. What does your room look like? What will you do here? Be as creative as you want and add a twist of magic.

Stole what?

2011-03-30T20:34:00.003-04:00

My two bffs went up to Bethel Maine every summer. Their parents would camp and they would stay with friends. One summer I was invited along.

Bethel is in the middle of the woods. During the winter, Shawnee Peak is open so there is a lot of skiing to do. Not so much in the summer. Drinking, hanging at the general store, catching a shitty movies in the shitty theater, smoking butts and js, and driving around looking for trouble. We stuck, mostly with the latter two.

One day we were doing what all the townies were doing, which is to say nothing. Driving, smoking, maybe a swig or two. The friends took us down a long lonesome road. They began to tell us of a haunted house. A house abandoned, forgotten and probably a hotel to those visiting from beyond. We didn't believe it. Much.
Finally we entered a clearing and there was this tall old Colonial style house in the middle of the woods. "How can some one abandon such a gorgeous house?" someone asked.

Someone, of course, suggested that the old woman who was living there had died and her family did not want it. "Shit! We'll take it!"

It could have been the ghost story, or the drugs, or perhaps all of the NO Trespassing signs we blatantly ignored, but the house scared us. What was a group of 16 year old girls supposed to do? Beth and I volunteered to go in, under the condition that they honk the horn like mad if a car (or ghost) comes. Everyone agreed.

After a little B & E we were in the house. It looked like the last person that was there was in the middle of eating because there were dirty dishes around. No one lived there, because there were drapes on the furniture. "What should we take?" I asked my partner in crime. She didn't know. She found a game of jacks that she pocketed. While I searched for something more my style.

I picked up an old wine bottle that had wax dripped down the side. At the same moment that I was admiring the glassware mad honking came from outside. We both ran out the way we came in. I still carrying my wine bottle. We jumped into the car and the three girls that had stayed behind were freaking the fuck out. There was no car. There was no ghost. There was nothing but a couple of scared girls. They said we'd been in there too long. They just wanted to leave. I just wanted to go back in. At least I hung onto that bottle. I still have it and I love it."

Too Much

2011-03-24T11:05:00.003-04:00

Today's prompt is to share a journal entry. I was gonna jump on this. I have tons of journals. I went home and thought about going through some when it occurred to me that I ought to wait until Ryder goes to bed. Surely something is bound to make me cry. Not a fan of crying in front of my kid. So I waited and promptly forgot about it. Next day was the same story. Finally last night, I was going to do it. Ryder went to play next door so I'd have a bit of time to myself.

I grabbed the journal that was lying on my bed. Nothing too recent since I'm sure I blogged about everything I wanted to share already. I flipped to the front. I stopped randomly. It was too sad.

December 2004. The Sox had won the World Series. Bush had been elected for a second term. My husband had left me. I was all alone in Denver. I had a couple of friends, but god knows I don't hang around people when I'm in the hole. I was drinking and smoking too much. Drinking and driving like it was the only way. I didn't care. A good car accident would probably help things, right? Couldn't possibly get worse, right? Well, thankfully it didn't, but it certainly could have.

I could not even read the entry. The first paragraph is all I could get through. Then I realized, they'd all be like that. I only write down bad things. I write things so I can get them out of my head. Not unlike Dumbledore's pensieve. I didn't want to write happy things because I wanted them to stay with me. I needed them. Sure, when I was a kid I wrote happy things down... maybe I should've tried them first...

Anyhow, I'm not going to share. I guess I kinda did. Either way, it still inspired me, somewhat.

Parenting: Who Needs It?

2011-03-21T08:25:00.001-04:00

I'll tell you who. Those three brats at the jumpy castle place yesterday. They started fighting. Like pushing, then slapping. Two boys and a girl. I looked around, searching for their parent, who was sure to come running. All I saw was rubber-necking parents, slightly interested in the increasing developments. No one was going to do anything, so I jumped between the bastards when one of the boys slapped the girl. "Stop!" I yelled with authority. The little bastards ran off. I felt glad that I did something, but incredibly uncomfortable in having to do so. And I started to get a little annoyed with the other parents, but then, I didn't step in until I did. Maybe they were as hesitant as I. Maybe when they saw the slap, they were just about to do something, but I was closer. I'm gonna go with that one.

Speaking of parenting, it's fucking hard. At the jumpy castle place, how much should I helicopter and how much should I let him be? I basically followed him to where he was going and played with my phone in that area, making sure I could see him if he came out. The problem with this and other bumpy castle places is that you can't really see into the bounce castles. The old school ones, the big squares, you could easily see every bit. Not these new fangled ones. If I didn't know where he was, it'd be fucking impossible to find him. And god knows you can't go into one. So I make sure I at least know which he is in. I don't just sit in the parent area and watch tv.

This little boy of mine is so independent. He has his own agenda and if I don't like it, tough, he's doing it anyways. Thankfully I am bigger and stronger than him. I know it is good that he is asserting his own ideas and desires, but it makes everything a discussion. One of my catchphrases is "This is not a discussion." He has his points neatly arranged in a PowerPoint demonstration. He puts his suit on. He has all of his evidence in baggies, all lined up and lettered. No! I'm not falling into his trap again! It's frustrating not knowing how much I should argue, or cave, or just carry out my plan.

I am doing my best, and I know that I am doing a good job and every parent makes mistakes, but I am always wondering, "is this the thing that sends him to therapy later?" Though my parenting style is much closer to my father's and I hardly ever talk about him in therapy. Maybe I'm doing alright.

Ridiculous Traffic Happening

2011-03-18T07:43:00.001-04:00

I was driving down a one-way street his morning. I was driving in the middle of the road, of course. As I approach a fairly wide intersection, I see a car facing my direction. The woman in the car is trying to wave me to the right side of the road so she can drive by. Well, I didn't. As I passed her in the intersection, I rolled down my window to tell her it is a one-way. She doesn't roll down her window, even though its like 50 degrees out, but still tries to talk to me. I think she was tying to tell me that she was only going a couple of houses up or something. I really didn't care. I told her, my conscience is clear. I drove off, still shocked that she tried telling me to move.

Comment?

2011-03-15T14:38:00.001-04:00

I feel like such an ass sometimes, commenting on people's blogs. Normally I relate to the post, so I try to explain that, which makes me feel narcisistic. Or I feel like I'm trying to down play their emotions. Or I just feel dumb.

None of this probably comes as a surprise to any of you. I know that is what we are here for, supporting each other, lending an ear, letting someone know someone is listening, but, well, I don't know.

I know that I like just knowing someone hears me once in a while. And I am sure you guys do too. Least I hope so.

Theory of Relativity

2011-03-11T07:53:00.001-05:00

Okay, stay with me here. It's relevant.

Say I am standing on the road and you are on a train. Okay? Your train is moving 30 mph. You see me go by at 30 mph, right?

You are still on the same train, but now I am on a different train traveling at 30 mph. We are traveling in the same direction. You look out of your window and see me through mine and it looks like we are standing still, right? Same thing happens on the highway. Dig it?

Okay. Finally, we are both on our respective trains. We are now moving in the opposite directions. When I pass you, it looks like I am moving at 60 mph. You can't see me because I whizz by. Right? Same as the highway, again, with cars on the other side. Still with me? Raise your hand if you are not.

Okay. Now here is the relevant bit. You and I are driving (at 30 mph, to stay consistent). You are approaching a stop sign and, because you are too cool for school, you decide not to stop. You are going to blow right through the sucker. Remember our trains? You and I are both moving and we are going in different directions. You look at me and cannot tell how fast I am going, because you are not Einstein and can't figure out the angles and velocities in your head. I probably look like I am going slower than I am. So you, too cool for school dude, blow the stop sign and cut me off. Why? Because you don't understand the theory of relativity.

Get it? Did you follow?

I'm sure you are an excellent driver, but there are people out there (now brace yourselves) that aren't. I'd like to go up in a plane and drop fliers all over the city explaining this theory. Then maybe people will stop at stop signs?

Probably not.

Look What I Did

2011-03-07T16:59:00.001-05:00

Hi my peeps. I'm feeling a lot better. My doc put me on some new medication, abilify. It seems like a pretty serious drug. After making me very ill for a week, it seems to be working well. Thankfully, because the next step would've been pretty drastic.

I understand the tortured artist thing. I was so much more creative when I felt crappy. Check out some of the stamps I carved:

I hope those pictures load properly...

I also did some other stuff (scrapbook, knitting, cards) but I'm done playing with pictures. My motivation doesn't come back in a windfall. I'll tell you the rest later.

Operation Smile Train

2011-03-02T15:07:00.000-05:00

Have you heard of this organization? If you were my friend on facebook you would have...

Anyways, my friend Kirsten told me about Smile Train a while ago. She told me that they made a documentary that I had to see. Smile Pinki won the Academy Award for Best Documentary Short in 2008. The documentary follows the story of several children in India (including Pinki) who have cleft palates and how it affects their lives. These children can't even go to school, because they are shunned and misunderstood. They meet social workers from Smile Train, then travel to the city to have a simple operation that fixes their cleft palates. It is really an amazing story and you can get it free from their website.

Smile Train and Operation Smile are both organizations that fix children's cleft palates around the world. Recently they have come together to form Operation Smile Train. You should visit the websites to learn more. I had no idea that cleft palates are such a huge problem for children around the world and that they can be fixed with a simple hour long surgery.

There are many ways to help, even if you're not a surgeon. One way is through Campus Textbook Rentals. They are donating a portion of every rental to Operation Smile with a goal of 1,000 surgeries. When they contacted me and told me that they were donating 1,000 surgeries (and offered me candy) I jumped at the chance to help. I hope you can help too.

Conspiracy Confirmed

2011-02-26T18:17:00.001-05:00

I have mentioned before that I think the Post Office hates me. (The Blogger app won't let me hyperlink so you can just click my USPS tag.) Well now it is confirmed.

There was no mail on Thursday for any of the apartments. I was expecting my Netflix, but I couldn't call the post office, can't have them having them hate me more.

Friday: no mail again for anyone. There is now three Netflix movies over due. Netflix is always very punctual. I called the post office and the guy said that the carrier hadn't said anything about not delivering mail, so we must not have had any mail. Bloody liar. But what do you do?

Saturday: No fucking mail in anyone's box. Now we must have gotten at least the weekly fliers. So I call the PO again and the guy says again that the carrier didn't say anything, but when I mentioned the fliers, he went and looked. Guess what? There was a huge pile of mail for us on the carriers desk without any explanation to why it wasn't delivered. So I ran over there and got my movies and fliers.

See? I knew it. Those fuckers.

Fucking Impossible

2011-02-24T19:54:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure why people even bother to help me. I'm absolutely impossible. It's why most of the time I don't talk at all. I hate listening to myself.

I say "I was looking at these apartments that are pretty cool." Other person "yeah? You're looking to move?" I say "no."

How do you work with someone who contradicts everything they say? "I really want to travel to Athens this summer." Other person "oh, yeah? When are you going?" Me: "Fuck it. I'm not going."

It's like I think of something, then when I put two seconds of thought into it I realize how stupid it is. How hard it is. How that's not what I want to do at all. It all really comes back to my bed. All I want to do is lie in bed. Until I die, which will also be in my bed. If the plans do not include me lying in bed, I don't want to do it.

My other major problem is Ryder is my traveling/everything companion. But he is not an adult. And adults are completely unreliable. The only one I can depend on is me, and that gets lonely...

Imprisoned

2011-02-17T21:39:00.001-05:00

There is no black cloud, or dark hole. This time the darkness is inside me and I can feel it coursing through my veins all day long. It's been bad. The last time it was this bad I was leaving my abusive husband. I want to release the darkness but that is dangerous, so I'm doing what I can. They have upped my meds, but it doesn't seem to be working. Everyday is a struggle. Every activity is a struggle. I havent really told anyone, because no one likes a whiner. But here it is. And I am exhausted from all this pain. I'll update when I can.

A friend sent this to me and it meant a lot.

Watch "Pink (P!nk) - Fuckin' Perfect (Music Video) HQ [2011 *NEW*]" on YouTube

An Ode to the Sun

2011-02-11T08:12:00.001-05:00

As I sat on the bench, waiting for my train, the air was incredibly frigid. I sat making myself as small as possible in order to retain what little body heat I had. The sun, an unexpected comrade, allowed me to share in her rays. She was not powerful enough to warm the air, so set her sights on smaller recipients. As her warm rays hit my heavily clad body, I took advantage of each one, drawing out all the heat that it contained. She unselfishly gave me what little heat she could, on such a winter's day. As I concentrated on her warmth, I realized that there was no body between me and her. Between me and the celestial body stood only a few layers of clothing. It made me feel important, as such a large star was willing to give such a small being warmth when I had nothing to give in return. As my train approached, I promised to sit on the east side of the train in order to continue our loving embrace.

In Which Coffee Has a Hard Time with the Trash.

2011-02-08T17:21:00.001-05:00

I have just seen a new level of inconsiderate and disrespectful behavior that I think I've seen in recent years. Maybe I'm over reacting but I'm just stunned.

Our train was called and everyone began to push fellow commuters for THE best seat. A woman in front of me, walks by the Dunkin Donuts in the station. She then places her empty coffee cup on top of one of their brewers. And walks away. Surely she must have some repertoire with the D & D employees, right? Not an employee in sight. Apparently she thinks that they are lowly servants that just pick up after her fucking ass.

No, they are probably not the pillars of their community, but maybe they are. They are just working their job, just like me, trying to feed their families. It is surely not a glamorous job, but, shit, you gotta do what you gotta do. You do not deserve to be disrespected by people who believe they are better than you.

I may add that there are a half dozen trash cans between Dunkies and the train.

A related incident that astounded me was in a shopping lot. I was putting R in his seat and our carriage was right behind me filled with our groceries. A family walked by and one of the adults put their coffee cup on my carriage. WTF? So this person is considerate enough to not throw it on the ground, but doesn't feel like they should have to go out of their way to find a can. So, now, I look like the asshole who leaves their trash in the carriages. Because what am I supposed to do with it? I can't just leave R in his seat while I run around looking for a can. Why couldn't they at least put it in an empty cart? Not that I condone that either.

These people have probably never even thought about their behavior nearly as long as it has taken me to write this. Hopefully someone somewhere calls them out on it. Maybe they will consciously become aware of their behavior and stop being disrespectful. Or maybe they will just tell them to fuck off.

I Will Survive (the Cake version, though)

2011-02-07T23:23:00.001-05:00

Things have been tough around here, but I got my meds upped so maybe things will get better.

I have survived a lot. I have survived lies, drugs, abuse, parenting, bankruptcy, eviction, repossession, divorce, and more court appearances any one person should have to handle. But sometimes I feel like that is enough. I don't have the strength to go any farther. I don't have the courage.

Sometimes when I watch a movie or read a book where the protagonist has or is enduring some serious shit, I don't understand why they don't kill them selves. I just watched Rachel Getting Married and it was a great flick, but if I killed my little brother and didn't feel wanted by my family, I think suicide would be a viable option.

Why do I think this? I know when this enters my mind that it is fucked up. What does it say about me? Probably nothing good.

I should put a little meter on my side bar over there keeping track of how shitty I sound. As someone reads a post it goes up and down.

Okay that's stupid. I may edit. But stream of conscience is my shtick. I digress.

People don't commit suicide in movies. Not successfully anyways. Maybe its a bad story ending. Maybe no one wants to see someone survive for 100 minutes to just swallow a bunch of pills. I don't know. What do I know anyways?

Buzz Teaches Science

2011-02-05T21:47:00.000-05:00

Buzz Lightyear took us to the Museum of Science recently. This is some of the good stuff he taught us.

First the T-Rex with the scarf. He insisted we see that first.

Then, disregarding his own safety, he taught us all about physics.

We stopped for lunch and showed us what a good healthy meal was.

Then showed us what he was eating.

A guessing game with our spacey friend. What totally simple mountain has he climbed?

Everest, bitches.

He suggested we take a moment and take in the beauty of the

Charles River and our beautiful city.

So we did.

Next something very close to his heart.

How to relax in a space shuttle. Ryder picked it up very quickly.

He bought a few things at the gift shop.

Finally Fuddruckers for dinner. Where we, obviously, ate burgers, fries, and milkshakes.

He really wanted to drive the car there, but there were people already seated. He is a very polite person and did not ask them to move.

So he just posed instead.

Me to You

2011-01-25T15:58:00.002-05:00

This is for you

A Quest to End All Quests

2011-01-22T23:12:00.000-05:00

After much preparation, we donned our attire and set out on our quest. We ventured into a land of snow capped peaks. Occasionally we would find evidence of a world long past. A time before the snow covered these lands. Discarded cups (from the abode of Lady Wendy), papers, dead animals. It reminded us of time which remained just a vague memory and reminded us of our present quest, the quest that may change the way we communicate forever. The young one desired to kick the bases of these grand glaciers, but I whispered to him not to wake a sleeping giant for we know not the consequences of such actions. Besides, it would have slowed us down. Finally I espied our chariot on the other side of the treacherous five foot peaks. We had neither the provisions nor the equipment needed to ascend the icy pinnacle. We needed to find a pass in which we could enter and hopefully pass through this range. We looked in both directions and saw nothing. With only the stars to guide us we chose north and came upon a pass, with which we were thankful. We carefully maneuvered the pass and when out, we were able to fully take in the backside of the great range. The sight was spectacular. Carefully we made our way to our chariot. Upon entering said vehicle we became aware that while it was normally powered by 130 horses, the number had greatly diminished. Due in part, undoubtedly, to the plunge in temperature. But our quest urged us on.

While traveling in our chariot, the weight of our quest was heavy on our minds. Would this be our final quest? Would our questions be answered? We did not know. We could not know. When we arrived at our destination, the auricle listened to our request. He listened to our predicament and offered a solution. He waved his arms and said some words (admittedly we did not know his language, but assumed he put a charm of sorts on our tool.) He wished us luck and a safe voyage home. Whether we had been able to change our ways of communication or not is left to be seen.

Sometimes I Hate Being a Mom

2011-01-20T22:24:00.000-05:00

Mel sent me this link to a blog post about Moms who hate being moms. It is such a breath of fresh air. I have been seriously limiting my online time because I hate the horrible people who are in it.

God forbid some one says they hate being a mom. I am fairly surprised that that woman hasn't been crucified. To tell the truth I have been thinking about it a lot. It's too fucking hard. I can't do it anymore. And it is unfair. It is unfair that I kill myself to be a good, attentive parent every single day and no one can help me. It is unfair that my fucking piece of shit ex doesn't even pay any child support. Nope he just walked away. Sure he pretended for like a month that he wanted to see Ryder, but that clearly did not interest him enough. Or perhaps having his money is more important. Fuck him. Fuck him for choosing drugs over us. Fuck him for not wanting to be a parent.

I digress.

People all over the fucking internet have very mean things to say to each other.

I did not circumcise my son because I just love mutulating male genitallia. And I did the post care that I was told to do. I did not purposely try to screw up my sons life by being neglectful.

I am not a terrible mom for saying being a mom is too difficult. I can't do it any more.

I do not neglect my son because I work full time. Trust me, bitches, if I could spend the time and not have to go to a shit job each day, I fucking would. Fuck you for judging others.

I do not choose to be depressed. I am not purposely choosing the wrong doctors in order to attract attention. I am not being selfish. Perhaps these assholes do not know the difference between sad and depressed. Cause there is a difference. A huge fucking difference.

End rant.

He Melts My Heart

2011-01-12T18:59:00.002-05:00

The last time my heart melted was:

An hour ago when Ryder held up the tag in the inside of his shirt and told me there was a note.

This morning when he looked out the window before I put my glasses on and told me it was snowing.

Three days ago when he asked me what time it was, as if he had some sense of the hours.

A week ago when he said "Oh. My. God." for the first time.

Ten days ago when he asked "What's going on here?"

Two weeks ago when we were watching The Muppet Movie and he grabbed his new ukulele and sang and strummed along with Kermit.

I am sure it won't be long until my heart melts again.

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Fucking People, Man

2011-01-11T19:34:00.001-05:00

When I see someone going the wrong way down a one way street, I stop them and say "Hey, buddy, this is a one way street." Then they say oops, are embarrassed, then turn around. (Or in the case of taxi drivers, they continue the way they were going.)

This is not the case tonight.

I indicated that I was going to take a right onto a one way street. I had not even begun to turn the car, so I could not see the Do Not Enter. A car going the correct direction blows the stop sign and stops directly in front of my car.

Behind the car was a garage and some huge dude starts yelling "One way! It's a one way!" Over and over again. The woman in the car is saying the same thing. I notice my mistake and turn off my blinker.

These people continue to yell at me. I say okay, okay, but that was not enough for them. The yelling continued. I kinda thought that if that car was not between us, this vigilante mechanic would kick my ass. I could not move, mind you, because the car was directly in front of me. The woman yells "What are you doing?" I look her straight in the eyes and say "Okay, one way, I am sorry." She either saw the desperation in my eyes or she had to rush home to prepare her broom for her evening ride, but either way she moved and I was able to make a U-y and go the other way.

I know I almost went the wrong way, and I am grateful that they told me. But I felt like I was on trial. I needed to stand up, swear on the bible and beg the court's forgiveness, after I properly explained myself, of course.

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Resentment

2011-01-04T19:40:00.001-05:00

I resent people who say that they couldn't possibly do chores after work because they're too tired.

I resent people who complain about waking up early, at, say, 10 am.

I resent people who own their own cars.

I resent families that have two parents.

I resent families that have two parents who complain about getting the children ready in the morning.

I resent people who only had 200 dollars to spend on their child for christmas.

I resent people who cannot understand my plight.

I am a very angry person.

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Secrets

2011-01-04T13:48:00.000-05:00

Don't Lie To Me

2010-12-28T20:04:00.001-05:00

Don't lie and pretend you knew nothing of us not staying at your house Christmas eve. Several people, including myself, told you. So, don't give me this shit.

I understand that you did what you felt you had to, but now I'm trying to understand how this slipped by unnoticed all these years. You were good at hiding skeletons. Please do not hide the truth from me. I love you and I can help you.

You have disappointed me again. Maybe you have selective memory, but in my experiences you remember things better than I do. I do not remember things readily, but when I do, I fucking do. I know you were lying. I don't want this to come between us again, so, please don't lie to me.

I know I cannot tell you everything. For my own safety and for your piece of mind some things must remain hidden. I come under the guise that I can say anything. That this place is safe, and for the most part it is. Most of the time I'd rather talk to you rather than anyone else, but I am sorry. I am sorry that I lie to your pointed questions, but I do so for my own protection.

Please do not tell me you are okay when you clearly are not. I know its a lie and you know that I know. But then isn't that the exact same lie I just told you moments earlier? And don't I know that you know that, too?

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Christmas Lessons

2010-12-27T12:27:00.001-05:00

Don't give a three year old a 500 piece puzzle. I am seriously going to bring it back to grandma's house. The boy expected a nice puzzle that would have Buzz together in 30 seconds and when he wasn't he just cried.

Christmas is for the poor. It seems like families with money don't appreciate Christmas like poorer families do. I know a few richer families that don't even exchange gifts. In my family everyone gives everyone a gift. Even new boyfriends that not everyone knows. And they seem to be better gifts, a lot of homemade things, or something someone casually remarked that they might like to have. Remember that song where the woman sells her hair for a watch chain and the husband sells his watch for combs for her hair?

I am Ryder's mother no matter where we are. If I want to take him somewhere I will. It does not matter who is around. If I want to watch him open his presents, I will. My new years resolution is to stand up for myself. I am his mom. My mother is not.

Christmas is anti-climatic. I worked so hard for months to make everyone's gifts, for it to be over in a few minutes.

Next year I am doing Xmas at my house. If anyone wants to come over, they are welcome, but I am doing things my way. We are going to open gifts one at a time so we can watch each other. And no one will complain that I am "behind".

Any gifts that are not age appropriate, go into storage until they are.

My final Christmas lesson is that Xmas is not supposed to be sad. I need to surround myself with people who do not make me cry. And I have the ability to do that.

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Humbug

2010-12-15T16:12:00.000-05:00

Stupid fucking thing, I thought to myself as I threw the tree on the curb.

You know when Scrooge is with the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come and he sees his own grave? He keeps insisting these events can be changed. But despite how jolly or humbug he is, he will still die. I don't get this.

I went back into the house and started coughing again. I had put the whole tree together before I noticed it was trying to kill me.

I understand the Marleys telling him about the chains after he dies. That makes sense... I guess.

Ryder didn't seem to mind the mold on the tree, but my poor lungs could not take it. Sorry, Ryder, no tree this year, I silently conveyed to him.

And Scrooge was rich and had nice things. So won't the poor loot his shit when he dies either way?

Apparently, not having a Christmas tree is some sort of sin or something, because everyone insisted that I had to have a tree. I wasn't going to be at home on Christmas day, I explained, but this meant nothing.

Maybe this is all explained better in the book? I tried reading it once, but Dickens was too hard for me.

When we got home that night, Santa (my mom) had set up a tree for us. Ryder was really excited. We decorated it right away. I was convinced that the lights were moldy too, but they might have just been musty. I'll get rid of them after Christmas either way.

The tree is beautiful and we had loads of fun, so I guess we did need the tree. Then I remembered that I hadn't mailed the cards out yet.

My Year in Status

2010-12-09T13:41:00.000-05:00

Click the image to see it bigger

See what you could be seeing if you were facebook friends with me? :D

Go, Please

2010-12-07T19:40:00.001-05:00

Why are you still here?
I have told you to leave
Yet you remain

What are your intentions?
What are you meaning to do?

Please leave.
Please take your stuff and go.
Please let us heal in peace.
It is too hard when you are still here.

When you are in the kitchen and the living room
When you are in My bed.
When you invade my dreams.

This is my time.
Not yours.
You gave it up.
You gave us up.

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Writing and Learning

2010-12-02T00:05:00.000-05:00

I have been meaning to write about this for a while now, so I am glad that it is today's prompt.

What inspires you to write?

I write with the hope that by the end I will have learned something. Usually it is something about myself, but not always.

Sometimes I write about stuff other than myself - I do! Look at my tag cloud! - and sometimes I even do a bit of research. Sometimes it is just a rant, but even then, looking at it after it is done, I hope to find insight and perhaps even tolerance. I hope, perhaps, that some of you might gain the same.

Most of the time, I write about my feelings. I write about my fears and concerns and self doubts. I write to let them all out and sort through them. I can't make sense of them when they are twisting and turning in my head. They look less scary on paper or on the screen. More manageable.

I write to learn about myself.

Cars and More Cars

2010-12-01T16:08:00.000-05:00

Depression: the levels

2010-11-28T18:22:00.001-05:00

Level 1: sad
Level 2: really sad
Level 3: dark rain cloud follows you around
Level 4: you fall into a hole or well or something. You are at the bottom and it is dark black all around and you cannot climb out
Level 5: the darkness and blackness is inside you. It is in control. The only way to get this darkness out is by cutting your skin and letting it out. You feel the darkness seep out immediately but only a little is released.

I'm at a level 5 right now.

Here is a short not all inclusive list of topics that should not be mentioned in my presence:

No random trivia on the ex. Unless you are telling me that he has money for me.
Horses. I can't explain it right now but in the same vein no camping, rock climbing, or vacationing either.
Don't ask me about my birthday and what you are not getting for me. Also don't talk about the fucking restraining order.
Don't ask me when I can get a babysitter. Let's just assume that I never can.
Don't ask me about my plans or ambitions. I have none therefore I have nothing to say. Don't ask about the job hunt either. There is no hunt.

I'm not sure what leaves, exactly, but that's fine too. It's hard to talk with all this darkness in my throat.

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Imprisoned

2010-11-24T18:55:00.001-05:00

You keep me here
Behind this wall
Behind this dark wall
Behind this black wall

Where I can hear see feel only you

then a hole
A small hole
One I can peek out
I can see things
Talk to people

Almost fall in love

But just as quick as it came the hole shuts up
And you, my guard, starts talking yelling
Telling me how worthless I am
How shitty I am
Reminding me of all the bad things that happened
The bad things I allowed
I was responsible

I try to defend myself against you
But you are as strong as I am, but more
I am no match for your hateful words

You throw me back into the black hole
You throw me a lifeline covered in razor wire
You care for me
You do not want me to dehydrate so you send liquor
You need me to need you

You want me to forget
You want me to look out the hole
You want me surprised and scared when the abuse starts

You want me to yourself
You cannot let me out
I am stuck in here with you

With myself.

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Kind Words and Cruel People

2010-11-21T09:03:00.001-05:00

Good morning fellow travelers. We are on our final approach to North Station. The sun is shining and it is a beautiful day. Be kind to each other out there. Have a good day and help make it that way.

People are unbelievably cruel. Sometimes someone does something just so far outside my comprehension that I can't get over it.

We are sorry for the hold up, folks. We are having signalling problems but should be on our way in a few minutes. Those on the left side of the train can look out your windows and see a red winged blackbird.

I actually enjoy my morning commute. First, if I get to the station early enough for the express, I can get a good parking spot. I can see my favorite conductor. I can hear my favorite engineer. I can walk to work across the locks and down cobblestone. One thing has changed.

Good morning fellow travelers. I am sad to say this will be the last time I will say that. Three months ago someone complained about an engineer saying positive things in the morning. Then the voice was silenced. Three weeks ago the voice retired. I would like to bid adieu by reading this poem entitled "Traces"...

I cannot believe people would be this angry over a man sending out positive messages in the morning. It is not like he talked for the entire 25 minutes. He only spoke for the last few minutes. I sleep on the train and am more than happy to be woken by his kind words.

I am going to miss my favorite engineer and I hope he continues making the world a happier place.

And I hope the person who complained has a new person in their life trying to make them happy. They are clearly a miserable person.

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BBFF

2010-11-17T20:17:00.001-05:00

I had never done it before.
I had never wanted to.

But as we spoke
More and more
I decided
I would

The day drew near
And my fear grew
But you are my friend
And I trusted you.

Then you came
And it was wonderful
As if we'd been close
All along.
I knew this wouldn't be the last

Something unexpected
Something I don't do often

But it was grand.

You traversed country borders
State borders
You came and made me smile

And for this I thank you.

For Mel

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Old Poems

2010-11-15T20:31:00.001-05:00

I am not sure when I wrote these, but considering the writing I was clearly intoxicated. The first is untitled.

ask for my slice
yet
I cannot use yours

love is a full glass
he and she like its
red liquid
leave some for I

Follow Your Heart

What's the matter?
I don't know.
You ask and I reply
I don't know
Honestly

All that I know is that
I love you
and miss you
If I wait much longer
to see you
I'll go insane

Life is rough
When you are not around
You make my life bearable
and wonderful.

I love you
I miss you
I wish you were
sleeping here next to me

Where are you tonight?
I don't know.
All I know is that you're
not next to me

I love you
and I miss you

If you want to know
what is wrong with me
It's that you are not
next to me tonight.

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A Fantasy

2010-11-14T19:51:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I listen to country music and pretend that I live in the heartland. I wear an apron and bake. I wash the dishes with the window open, with the sun on my face. When I get time, I knit on the porch where I can watch the cows.

The men work in the fields and the children play in the barn. I married a real cowboy. He is strong and manly. I feel safe with him. He loves me deeply and writes songs on his guitar about our love.

In the morning I have chores such as milking the cows and collecting eggs. My cowboy takes care of the harder chores around the farm.

In the evenings we go to the local dive where we play darts with the rest of the locals. We are all friends, we grew up together. We sing and dance to the music on the jukebox.

But my favorite thing to do is ride. I jump on my horse and go. My horse and I know everything there is to know about each.other. We ride all over the county. I can clear my mind and only think about the wind blowing through her mane and mine. I love her and she is part of our family. The children adore her, but it is clear that she is mine.

I wonder how much riding lessons are...

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Intelligent Design: Clearly Lacking Intelligence

2010-11-13T20:54:00.002-05:00

First off I want you to know that evolutionary biologists are not Nazis. Also I might point out at the onset that Hitler was Christian.

Okay, some more general information. I watch a lot of documentaries. Good documentaries, like good papers, first explain your position and continue throughout to present evidence supporting your theory.

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed is poorly done. At no point does it explain what intelligent design (ID) is or any evidence supporting the theory. It rags on Darwinism saying there is no evidence supporting it, which we all know is just plain false.

I worked with this Catholic guy and we were arguing about whether global warming exists or not. He kept asking me for hard proof linking emissions to the rise in global temperatures. I pointed out that for a religious man he sure did need a lot of proof to believe something. He asked if I was implying that there was no evidence of god. I was indeed and he said the proof was the bible. In that case my proof is a docu made by a former vice president.

This movie begins with all of these stories of scientists being fired for mentioning ID. Oh, and stating quite clearly that ID is not creationism, which is bullshit in my opinion, but moving on.

Another fact that I must point out is how scientists get paid. You have a hypothesis and you go around to different foundations presenting your idea and experimental design and hopefully they give you a grant. Many times they ask for progress reports, and you must submit them if you want to continue to get paid. Here is the kicker: you cannot just study anything. You need someone to finance your research so if one day you decide that you want to research ID, expect that you are not going to be funded. And its nothing unusual to be underfunded. I worked on a devastating disease that we are having a hard time getting funding for.

Next the movie goes onto explain how unlikely that the proper molecules were arranged perfectly to form a living cell. I think they missed the point that the universe is fucking huge and surely the process had many years to get it right. This has never been repeated in a lab setting. Duh. We have no idea what the proper conditions were. Darwin believed that the first cell was very very simple, but ID people argue that cells are very complex therefore he was wrong. I don't understand their position at all. Not every cell on earth is complex. Some are quite simple.

Evolutionists suggested that the first cell may have occurred on the back of a crystal because they have high rates of mutations. Or Frances Crick theorized DNA was "seeded", meaning aliens? Stein can't believe that real science would consider a crystal theory or aliens. Yet apparently god is a better explanation?

ID is saying that evolution is very unlikely but they don't address how unlikely their theory is.

"Science is not a democracy" - no kidding. "It's only a theory" - as is gravity. As is relativity. As is most things. They kept saying "Darwinists don't know how everything works." Well we don't know how lots of things work. Our brain for example.

Stein asks the question "what do other countries do?" So like a good fair unbiased person would do, he went to Poland. Yup, Poland. And only Poland. And only spoke to one Polish person.

Finally after subtly hinting at the relationship between Darwinists and Nazis they finally came out and said they are practically one in the same. Here is where I want you to remember that Hitler was christian, not atheist. Eugenics was explained in evolutionary terms. Did you know that planned parenthood was just a big conspiracy to give contraception to the poor and underprivaledged so they don't reproduce. I think they are failing in their mission.

"Will eradicating religion lead to utopia?" Well, I don't know about utopia but I'm sure it would be a better place.

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Confession #371

2010-11-11T00:05:00.001-05:00

I am doing 2.) What are your confessions? (inspired by Usher) You might think that this is sorta a cop-out but it is not! I swear!

Tabatha is doing this 30 questions a day for the month.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I have a few of these so I'm only gonna talk about two people. I'll tell you about the rest another day.

When I was in high school I had three really good friends. One went away fairly quickly and that is a story itself, but the other two were friends into college (S and M).

I went to college comparatively closer to home than either of them did. The first thing that really started to get to me was that M would come home and not tell me until after the fact. I kept insisting that she tell me because I'd gladly drive up. I was always the driver when we were in high school and I maintained that roll in college. I drove out to western New Hampshire to visit S and Boston to visit M. I did this fairly often. Needless to say I think they only visited me once.

We all smoked together in high school, but when we went off to college, I started smoking more (and drinking more) and they turned away from drugs and stuck with the alcohol. So, I guessed that part of the reason they didn't visit me was because they didn't want to hang out with me and my stoner friends.

Then I met the ex. A couple of months later my friends, S and M, staged a kind of intervention for me. They said that they thought he was all wrong for me. That he did too many drugs (no comments from the peanut gallery.) I didn't understand because I did just as much as he did. I felt it would be terribly hypocritical to say that he did too much when I was using the same amount.

I started seeing and hearing from S and M less and less. I thought it was a combination of them disliking my boyfriend and them going clubbing looking for men, which I had no interest in doing. I married in Denver, but had a reception back in Maine. They were both invited (along with others) and no one RSVP'ed. No lame excuse, no we hate you, no nothing. I decided I hated them all.

I didn't talk to any of them for a while. I moved back to Maine and saw S in the store. She seemed honestly excited to see me. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to get together. I was excited. I called her a few times, left voicemails, but none of them were ever returned. So I gave up.

I joined good ol' Facebook. I asked to be friends with both girls. They both "accepted" and because I do not friend people just to make myself feel popular, I messaged both of them saying hi, how are you, that type of thing. Guess what? No response. Zero.

It makes me sad. I really really loved S - M a little less. I have spoken to other people from that time - even S's sister. But neither of them. I don't really know what made us drift so far. It could've been their dislike of my ex or the drugs, but honestly I don't think so. Perhaps they just live such different lives and have so many new people in their lives that I just don't fit into it anymore. Or maybe they stopped liking me. Whatever the reason, it is what it is, but if either of them emailed me today and wanted to hang out, I would drop everything.

An Epic Post

2010-11-10T11:22:00.000-05:00

Do you even know what the word epic means??

ep-ic

–adjective Also, ep·i·cal.

noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style:Homer's Iliad is an epic poem.

So the use of the word epic should always pertain or resemble this type of literature. So, if you are a damsel in distress and a prince slays a dragon and comes to get you, then you write a blog on the whole thing, then you are allowed to use the word epic to describe said story.

If you ate a pretty big breakfast, they you are not allowed to call it epic. Period.

Heres what our Urban Dictionary folks say about it:

the most overused word ever, next to fail. for even more asshole points, use them together to form "epic fail." everything is epic now. epic car. epic haircut. epic movie. epic album. epic shut the fuck up. saying "epic win" doesn't make you sound any better, either. and for fucks sake, don't ever say it in person.

DUDE UR POSTCOUNT IZ EPIC FAIL FAGOT

LOL EPIC WIN U RUEL

LISTEN TO THIS SONG IT'S SO EPIC

So even the folks over there the word is totally obnoxious. Your haircut cannot be epic. Maybe if a hero swooped in and gave you that much desired haircut and then you write a poem - you know what? No. Don't even use it in that circumstance.

Okay so I will agree that epic can be used to describe a movie. Although not a movie such as Land of the Lost or Love Affair or any of the Saw movies. Beowulf is obviously an epic movie as is Lord of the Rings.

Now I am sure that 90% of my Loyal Readers use the word "epic" daily. And I certainly don't want anyone to stop cold turkey - god how that never works.... And I have to admit I, myself, have called things epic fails. I think what really bothers me about the word is it's sudden prevalence in everyone's vernacular. I know it is just a fad word like, um, well, probably fail, and I am sure that it will fade away like other fad words. I'm just hoping that is sooner than later.

Future Smuture

2010-11-07T22:24:00.001-05:00

I think I have mentioned before how when I was in first grade I would look up at the third graders and think how I would never be that big. How I just assumed that I would die before then just because it didn't seem possible. I didn't know until recently that that was depression. I just thought it was how it was.

I think this is the same reason I have made a lot of decisions in my life. Why I was so willy-nilly about college - because I couldn't picture myself going then graduating so I just thought I'd die or something before then. I only applied to one school and didn't really care if I got in or not. I picked a major without really thinking about it. I graduated with a decent gpa but not because I worked hard. I never really thought about getting a job after graduation. I think because I never believed I'd live that long.

I think that is why I'm so unmotivated all the time. I don't want to go to school, I don't really care enough to look for a new job, I'm gonna live in this shitty apartment forever.

I can't even get excited for Greece next summer because it is just too far away. I couldn't even talk about February because who knows what will happen before then.

My therapist urges me to remember to take my antidepressants. I dunno. I think who cares if I plan or not, but then that is probably what got me into the messes I've been in. Marriage? Sure, why not? Tomorrow? Sure, fuck it.

And if I plan things, there is the danger of looking forward to it and therefore the danger of being disappointed. And who wants to be disappointed, right?

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Being Gonzo

2010-11-04T13:45:00.000-04:00

While I was growing up, I was always considered "weird." I heard it all the time. I don't know why, though. Maybe it was because I watched MST 3K and the Twilight Zone. Or maybe because I read King and Koontz. Maybe because I didn't like New Kids On The Block or 90210. Or maybe because I wanted much more than this provincial life. Or maybe it was my big blue nose?

I always identified with Gonzo. Everyone called him weird and he felt like he didn't belong. He did things differently. He didn't know where he was from or who he was or what he was. He always felt like an outsider and I did too.

As I grew old though, I felt a kinship to Camilla the Chicken. Camilla was fairly normal, being a chicken and all, yet Gonzo loved her. They didn't care that they were so much different from each other. Camilla was generally quiet, just a squawck here or there, but when she had something important to say she spoke up. No one understood her like Gonzo and no one understood Gonzo like Camilla.

The Wishing Song

sung by Gonzo

I wish I had a coat of silk, the color of the sky.

I wish I had a lady fair, and then a butterfly

I wish I had a house of stone that looked down on the sea

But most of all I wish that I was someone else but me.

(Madeleine cheers up Gonzo)

Now I don't have a coat of silk, but I still have the sky
Now I don't have a lady, but there goes a butterfly
Now I don't have a house of stone, but I can see the sea
Now most of all I know that I am happy to be me.
I'm happy to be me.