Showing posts with label awkward. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awkward. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Totally Awkward Tuesday: Lyrics

I just happen to remember to tell you this story on a Tuesday, so Totally Awkward Tuesday it is! (Remember Tova?)

When I was a kid I loved Jesus Christ Superstar and anything Andrew Lloyd Webber. Okay, I still do. I love my "Sweeney Todd" Pandora station. They play a ton of JCS and other great showtunes. Anyways, I had a tape of the Best of Andrew Lloyd Webber. It had such greats as Memory, Don't Cry For Me, Argentina, All I Ask of You, and I Don't Know How to Love Him from the famed Jesus Christ Superstar. Great songs. I listened to them all the time. I especially liked listening to them while I washed the dishes.

One night I was washing the dishes and singing my heart out when I Don't Know How to Love Him came on. I started singing my heart out. My dad came in just as I was uttering the lyrics:


He's a man. He's just a man. 
And I've had so many men before, 
In very many ways, 
He's just one more.


Yup. Great for a young teenager to be singing in front of her dad. He exclaimed "I hope not!" And I was embarrassed. It was truly awkward. Thanks Andrew Lloyd Webber.


Thursday, April 28, 2011

Some Stuff

So, Obama released a copy of his birth certificate. Donald Trump is taking the credit. Well la-de-fricking-da. Obama was born here. You were wrong. Now you just look like an ass.

I have a good kid and he drives me mad. How do parents with not so good kids do it?

The problem with trying to read someone that you don't really know is that you don't know them well enough to read them. Sounds like its obvious? Not to all of us, okay?

A quick story for Mama Kat's writing workshop: an embarrassing story from school. I generally don't get embarrassed. I have a high tolerance or something. Drunk friends can easily spit out something told in confidence, though, and my face turns redder than a beet. (Does anyone even eat beets?) I was out and about with a friend in college and we saw this guy I knew from high school. I'm about to say hi when she says to me very loudly "Isn't that the guy that you like from your high school?" Extremely awkward.

One last thing. I'm going to the SITS Bloggy Boot Camp May 7th. I'm going with Mel and Frannie! We are going to have so much fun! Has anybody else been to anything like this?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Riots Can Be Awkward Too

My college's hockey team is good. Really really really good. Everyone is a huge hockey fan, because our team is so good. Our basketball team sucks, so no one likes them. You know how it goes.

When our hockey team won, the students rioted. When our hockey team lost, the students rioted. I don't know why we did, I just went.

So, one of these riot nights, which was complete with burning couches in the middle of Main Street, my friend and I grabbed some beers and headed downtown. Everything was pretty crazy, but it was kind of a contained crazy. The cops were there, but didn't do much. (I guess in later years it got worse, but not while I was there.)

We were watching the fire and the crowd and the boys. I saw a boy that I went to high school with. I had seen him around campus and we said hi to each other, but that was all. I pointed him out to my friend, who may have had a couple too many beers, and told her that I thought he was cute. Before I knew what was happening, my friend ran over to him.

Oh, god.

She came running back to tell me how she just told him that I had a crush on him. The next bit is hazy either because of the embarrassment or the beer. We walked over or he walked over, somehow we were talking and I was trying to explain how my friend was really drunk. He agreed, then I think one of us made an excuse to leave.

My face was probably as red as the fire.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Awkward on a Bus

I guess Tova has run out of totally awkward moments, but I have not, so I shall trudge on.

Public transportation turns people into jerks. Even kindergarten teachers are not immune to this phenomenon. People push and shove and hit you with their bags and take up way more than their single allotted seat. Many times, a person will sit on the aisle seat leaving the window seat open. Then you have to ask them if you could sit there, and they have to get up, because you definitely are not going to crawl over them.

This is the situation that I thought I came upon. The bus was packed. People in every seat, people already standing at different intervals in the aisle. I saw this woman sitting on the aisle seat and the window seat appears empty. I ask her very politely if I can sit there, and she reaches over and says "Oh! Of course!" Then she picks up the child that was sitting on the seat.

I immediately try backpedalling. "Oh, I didn't realize that she was sitting there. I am so sorry!"

The woman was so sweet. She said "She can sit on my lap! It's not a problem."

I felt like the biggest jerk who has ever ridden on public transportation. Trying to steal a seat from a child. I squeezed to the back of the bus where I hid out the rest of the ride.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

My Night In Shining Armor

Totally Awkward Tuesday! Play along with me over at Tova Darlings.

When I was younger one of the cooler things to do was to dress up real nice and go down to the beach. Then we would walk up and down the boardwalk all night long. We were too young to get into any of the bars or clubs so it was the sidewalk for us. On a good night we would meet some nice boys to party with. On a bad night, we'd walk up and down all night long.

This night was one of the latter. Maybe it was off season? I don't remember, I just know that there were not many people down there that night.

My girlfriend and I were walking down the street and a truck drove by shouting catcalls. We ignored it. Two bike cops pedalled up.

Cop: Did that truck just yell at you?

Me: I don't know, I guess.

Cop: Do you want us to get them for you?

My GF looked at them, looked at their bikes, looked at them, pointed down the street and said "If you think you can catch them."

We laughed and the cops muttered something about them coming back and rode off.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Half Baked

It's Tuesday so that means it is another awkward moment from Raine's archives (because obviously I am not awkward now.) Head over to Tova Darling's for even more fun!

When I was younger I smoked a lot. A lot of pot, a lot of cigarettes, and a lot of other things. One evening a couple of girlfriends and myself smoked a lot of pot then went over to the pool hall. The pool hall was the place to be. Anyone who was anyone went to the pool hall. Partly because you could smoke there and partly because there was no other place to go.

After the pool hall, because there was no other place to go, we went back to my parent's house. We popped Half Baked into the VCR, because we were stoners and effing LOVED that movie.

So picture us. Three girls, stoned out of their minds, sitting on the same couch watching Half Baked. Just sitting and staring. Not talking. Not laughing. Just watching.

My mom comes in. She sits down on the other couch and starts watching it with us. Soon she starts sniffing. And looking at us, and sniffing.

Mom: Do one of you girls smoke?

Me: No, mom, we were at the poool hallll.

Mom: Aren't you worried about secondhand smoke?

Me: No.

My friends never even registered this exchange. I just wanted my mom to leave sooo badly.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Don't Have A Business, Per Se

Remember my swinger neighbor? Well, when I first moved in she had me fooled. She talked about her "businesses" and "classes" and such. I thought she was a business woman.

Come to find out, she was just a good exaggerator. An unemployed exaggerator.

But before the revelation, she asked me if I wanted to go to this Main Streets reception. Main Streets is like our Chamber of Commerce. It is the local business association. I told her that it didn't sound like an event for babies, but she insisted that it would be fine. There would be food and wine so we should go with her.

I show up with my infant wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Everyone else is dressed up. She drags me around introducing me to people and of course they are asking me what my business is.

Err... The largest private employer in the Commonwealth. No, it is not in Salem.

I felt like a complete fool. People were being nice to us, but I could see it in their eyes: "Why are they here?"

Then I learned the truth! Swinger-Neighbor is talking to this man. They are talking about how they map out these kind of events for the free food! Seriously. They know when all the hardware stores summer barbecues are. All the grand openings. All the Christmas parties. They literally travel all over for the free food. Seems like way too much work to me.

So, I felt awkward and she got some free egg rolls. Perfect.

For more awkwardness head on over to Tova Darling's blog.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Family That Is Awkward Together...

For this week's TAT with Tova Darling, I am going to give you a kind of montage of awkwardness. I have seen my father's family twice in the last month and it has given me adequate TAT fodder.

Background: My cousin, N, found some girl online that lives in a far away state (a state, state, not like a state of mind.) He married her and never came back. So, thanks to Facebook, I have been talking to him again. I saw N's mom, Auntie A, recently and told her that I have been talking to N. "Really???" she exclaimed, "How is he?!?!?" She was genuinely excited to hear news about him. "Uhhh... good, I guess," I replied. I didn't expect such a response. Wish he had mentioned that he hadn't spoken to his mom is a long time.

Auntie R shows up at the party. Cousin K asks "Is Uncle D here? He must be if his wife R is." Then we are told that he is not there. He is actually camping with his ex-wife and their children. Ooookkkkaaaayyyy....

There was a bunch of whispering all of a sudden. "Is that Joan??" "Omigod, I think that is Joan!" "Oh, it definitely is, I can recognize her voice anywhere!" "I can't believe she is here." Then my mom says, "Auntie C, isn't she your ex-mother-in-law?" "Yes," Auntie C confirms. I have no idea why she was there. I felt awkward for everyone.

This one isn't really awkward, but a good story nonetheless. Auntie A was showing me pictures on her camera and I suggested that she put them on photobucket so everyone could have access to them. My Nanna chimes in with "They are taking babies' photos off of the Internet and putting them up on Craigslist for adoption! Then people are seeing these babies at the mall, calling their names and stealing them. I would never put my grandson's picture online." Okay, Nanna, that makes zero sense. Why would someone try to adopt a child on Craigslist and what would be the incentive for the person posting? Selling babies at least I could comprehend. Then, what are the odds that you will see a child online and then happen to see them at the mall, recognize them, then steal them. I agree that you have to be careful about what you post, but puh-lease Nanna.

Gotta love the fam.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A Friendly Massage

Last week I was on VayKay so I missed Totally Awkward Tuesday (by the lovely Tova Darling.) So this week is gonna be doubly awkward. (err.. probably not)

The first time my ex left I was utterly, totally, and completely heartbroken. A mutual friend of ours thought that I ought to go out and have some fun. He came over and took me to a local bar.

I was so distraught that I started crying at the bar. Needless to say, he brought me home. He then starts explaining to me how sometimes friends can comfort each other. Sometimes it is nice to just have someone to lay next to and hold. Sometimes friends have sex just to make each other feel better. Did I want to go upstairs and get a massage? From a friend?

Uh, no. Thanks anyways...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Tuesday Again??

Its Tuesday again! Can you believe it?? How long can I continue with all of this awkwardness? Its actually a bit disturbing that I can continue to think of awkward stories...

Anyways here is this week's story and here is this week's hostess, Tova Darling!

Before I was married, my future ex-husband wanted to have Easter at our apartment. We invited both of our families. It was the first time that they had really met.

His whole family was in the living room. Grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, the works. I walk into the living room and his grandmother pats my stomach and tells me that it looks like I had gained some weight. Then started laughing. I wanted to die. I mumbled something about switching birth control (like that was non-awkward information to share!) and how it made me gain some weight.

Then I ran away.
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Awkward Ribbon Game

Are you throwing a baby shower? Let me give you a piece of advice: Do not play the ribbon game.

How to play: Get a roll of ribbon. Pass the roll around to all of the party goers and tell them to cut off a piece of ribbon that will go around the largest part of the mother-to-be's belly. The person who gets the closest wins some gay prize.

I am sure that you see where this is going.

They played this game at my baby shower. They passed the roll around and the ribbon ran out before it left the first table. These people thought my belly was so large that they used all of the ribbon. My belly was large, but, shit.

So, the people who actually got some ribbon started trying to measure it around me. The ribbon was so big, some almost went around twice! Twice! This made me feel real shitty. Like I wasn't feeling like a whale to begin with. Thanks family and friends for making my baby shower totally awkward.

Need more awkwardness for your Tuesday fill? Visit our hostess, Tova Darling, she is totally awkward! :D

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Totally Awkward Tuesday!

Heres another edition of TAT hosted by Tova Darling. Now, as I am sure that you are coming to realize, I did alot of stupid things when I was in college. This creates mounds of fodder for TAT!

My freshman year, my roommate, Kate, and I were on a bus. She says "Look, it's that guy!"

I look around the bus and the only other person is this really ugly guy.

Me: "What guy?"

Kate: "The guy from the party?"

Me: "??"

Kate: "The one you left with!"

Ugg. So embarrassing.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Totally Awkward Tuesday #3

My ex was coming for his supervised visit with my son, so I had four hours to kill. One of the things I miss most is being able to go to the movies. So my dad suggested we see a movie. Great!

I was dying to see the new Seth Rogen/Kevin Smith flick, Zack and Miri Make A Porno. Now, there should have been something in the title that would make me think "Hey, maybe this isn't the best movie to go to with your dad." But there wasn't. So, we went.

Okay. We are both adults, right? No problem, right? I was really cool about it, but even I noticed the awkwardness. My dad was absolutely oozing awkwardness.

Have you seen this movie? It is fairly graphic. And awesome! Did I mention awesome? I loved it. Its just not something I would suggest to my parents.

Anyways, afterwards, I tried to be as un-awkward as humanly possible. Tried to be totally nonchalant by asking how he liked it, but he was totally weirded out. I tried telling my mom that it was a good movie, but I think my dad was a bit shell-shocked.

Major Fail.

Now, go read Tova's awkwardness!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Totally Awkward Tuesday

Totally awkward tuesday is back! I have seriously been waiting all week so share this goodie with you!! I cant believe I didnt think of it the first time.

It was halloween, my upstairs neighbor was having a party and invited me. I could not say no. So, I grabbed my baby monitor (I know how to party) and headed upstairs.

When I got there I noticed she had cleaned. Alot. I made a comment that it was so clear that we could dance in one of the rooms. She was like "Ya..." So, the first guy shows up and we're just talking. She turns all of the lights down and lights candles. Kinda strange, but I figure that is how she rolls.

So she gets a phone call. She says into the phone "Who are you? I dont know who you are." Then continues to give this person directions to her house. I say to the fella next to me that that has never happened to me, someone I dont know calling me asking for directions. He says "Are you married or something?" And, technically, I was still married, but I didnt see how that had any relevance to the conversation.

She gets off of the phone and she and this other guy start talking about who is coming. They start counting off guys and girls. I thought it was weird. I was wondering if we were in high school or something, but wasnt gonna be rude and say so.

Finally, she looks at me and says "I should probably tell you something."

Ok.

"We are in a certain kind of lifestyle."

Ok. I dont know what that means.

"We are swingers."

Oh my god. Why didnt she tell me that an hour ago?!? I didnt want to be rude and uncool and just run away, but then men start showing up! They said hi to me but I can see it in their eyes: "I am gonna fuck her."

Ahh!!

I ran away. I mumbled some nonsense about hearing the baby or dog or something and ran back down to my house.


Now, go read Tova Darling's awkwardness!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Totally Awkward Tuesday

I am totally inspired by Tova Darling's Totally Awkward Tuesday. So, here is my very own awkward story.

In college, I got into a bit of trouble (didnt we all?) On a certain tuesday, I was arrested for possession of marijuana. Unknown to me at the time, because I was arrested on campus they sent a letter home to my parents. Seriously. Jerks. Anyways, on the following friday, I was at a rave and accidentally got arrested a second time. Possession again. Oops.

So, I go home to sleep. My father wakes me up furious because he had just recieved the letter from the college about the first arrest. He says "You got ARRESTED?!?" And in my slightly intoxicated stupor I answer "Which time?" Perhaps the stupidest thing I have ever said in my life. Totally awkward.